I 20F have been dating my boyfriend 30M since August. We’ve been talking since May. He travels a lot for work and that’s how we met. He lives about a 10 hour drive from me/ 2 hour flight. We’ve been on 4 dates when he’s in town and talk on the phone all the time. Whenever he’s in town I drop everything and we spend all our time together and he’s made an effort to get along with my parents. I quit my job and have been doing only school this semester because of my weird class schedule having morning and night classes monday through thursday. He ghosted me out of nowhere and I texted and called a few times to see if he was alright and after a well he texted me and is now telling me if I don’t go see him we’re breaking up because we’ll get nowhere in this relationship. I always told him I’ll eventually see him when i’m ready since i don’t know him that well and feel a bit uncomfortable traveling so far alone to see him and it’s complicated because i’m always busy with school and i want to give him my undivided attention when I do go. I’m understanding when he can’t come or talk because of work but it doesn’t seem he’s so understanding of me? This ultimatum seems a bit toxic to me but at the same time I feel like he’s right and im in the wrong? What do you think?
TL;DR My boyfriend gave me an ultimatum of traveling to see him if not we have to break up.
7 comments
I think ultimatums make sense when they are honest, and he may honestly feel he cannot continue if you don’t have more time togeather.
And you should say No, and break up. Because you’re not comfortable with that demand or the way he communitcated it.
It’s been three months. It’s run it’s course. Seperate ammicably.
Find a guy closer to home
I think in this case your dealing with a boundary not an ultimatum
If you quit your job to focus on your studies, where does he get the idea that you have all this free time to dedicate to this relationship? Isn’t the point of having extra time, to use it to study?
If he doesn’t understand that you should probably bail, this is a ridiculous demand for a three month relationship.
He’s too old for you and he’s being demanding because you’re young and he thinks he can get away with treating you badly and controlling you. End it, asap.
You’re incompatible, and it’s not feasible to meet his demand. Him ghosting you only to come back with a demand for you to rearrange your life to accommodate him is concerning. It’s not very mature, and hints at a rigid viewpoint where things have to go a certain way or else. This is echoed in the dynamic of you “dropping everything” when he visits- it’s on his schedule, on his terms. Focus on school, and on setting yourself up for success in your future. This guy has the shapes of his life already cut out and he’s trying to fit you into one that isn’t right for you.
He is in the wrong.
I am a 30 year old man. I am not one to immediately condemn age-gap relationships, so bear in mind that anything I say has nothing to do specifically with your ages.
You have your life and he has his. He is past your stage of life and he knows this. He understands how women of all ages are apprehensive of traveling to see a guy they don’t know too well. When I was 25 dating other 23-25 year old women, some of them had friends call them 30-60 minutes into the date to make sure they were safe and that I was who they believed me to be. I was never offended, rather commending them on their caution.
If I were to date a 20 y/o college student (I would be perfectly ok with that), I would understand that school comes first. I would understand that many people, including the girl, may look at me as a potential threat. I would be painfully aware that our lives were in vastly different stages and I would do nothing to shake her focus or sway her ambitions. I would never ghost her (or anyone I was dating), I would never state an ultimatum over text, and I would never push her outside of her comfort zone in regards to our relationship.
I can understand his desire to see your in person — long distance sucks. That being said, his desire to see you should be motivated by love/care/affection, none of which are reflected in this demand which pushes you to shift your focus and do something that makes you uncomfortable. Furthermore, the manner in which he executed this power play (and that’s what this is: a power play) was designed to make you feel powerless, to apply pressure to you, to make your fear losing him, to spark insecurities.
I have made it a point to express that I would be ok with dating a girl your age. This is because I want you to understand that I have considered this scenario and came to the realization that my life and that of someone in your situation, while not necessarily incompatible, would require careful consideration and sacrifices *on my part* in order to foster a healthy relationship. The 30 y/o man has chosen to enter a relationship with a girl whose adult life is just beginning. This establishes an inherent power dynamic in which he has the upper hand. The only way for your relationship to grow in a healthy and mutually respectful manner is for him, the one holding the power, to resist using it, instead enduring his own discomfort for your sake.
He can want to see you, he can miss you, he can decide he can’t do long distance if you don’t visit him on occasion; that’s all ok. The things he must not do are:
– Make you wonder where you stand with him (ghosting you)
– Make you feel guilty for not having the extra decade of experience he has
– Make your feel like his love or care is conditional
– Force you to choose between him and something else that is important to you
– Interfere in your studies
His demand is the equivalent of you demanding that he take a couple days off work to go to a remote cabin with your father. He doesn’t know your father too well, he may suspect your father does not have the best intentions for him, and his job is his current priority. This would force him to either shift focus and put himself in what is *probably* a safe situation (but may not be), or lose you.
You would never make such a demand of him. He knows this, he knows (even if he pretends to not understand) exactly how valid your safety concerns are, and he knows that the best thing for you to do right now is continue your studies uninterrupted. Instead, he has chosen to manipulate you, make you question your good sense, and put the responsibility on you to cater to his selfish desires.
I was more caring for the comfort, safety and priorities of the 26 y/o I dated last year than he is showing for you. This guy is bad news.