I usually don’t agree with snooping through your partner’s phone but I had a weird feeling in my stomach for a while. I decided to take a look while he was in the shower 3 months ago and found him asking his baby mama for their old spicy videos. What shocked me is she had kept them years later (while also being in a relationship herself) and was more than happy to give them to him. I also read some other messages about them complaining about me. How I would NEVER let them be friends on other social media platforms like TikTok. I mean, now I have a good reason. Now keep in mind, I am not controlling, I don’t keep him from his child, and I never butt into his business with his ex. He also wants nothing to do with this kid. He never wanted a kid, she lied about being on birth control and was abusive, and he loves to talk about how much he hated being married to her. So I really feel like he uses the kid as an excuse to keep in touch with her for stuff like this but then complains to me about child support. I confronted him about this and he quickly deleted the conversation (I know I know, I should have taken screenshots beforehand but was too in shock) His excuse? He’s been struggling mentally lately and hasn’t been happy and needed to see if he still has feelings for her. I’m in absolute shock. This is AFTER finding tons of Reddit porn on his phone a month prior. It’s been three months since this and I’ve gone kinda numb and don’t know what to do. He isn’t doing much to prove anything to me and I’m too scared to even touch his phone again. Help
TL;DR: My boyfriend was caught getting spicy videos from his ex, deleted the evidence, and isn’t doing much to fix what he did. I’m slowly going numb and don’t even know what he could do to make me feel better, but whatever he’s doing now isn’t enough. Is it worth fixing at this point?
13 comments
Personally. I wouldn’t be with someone like that.
>hasn’t been happy and needed to see if he still has feelings for her.
Oops! “needed to see” ??
Hmm, so, what was the outcome? (does he still ‘have feelings’ for her?)
> Is it worth fixing at this point?
Is there actually anything that could fix this – as in all honesty is there any real fix or just that you are hanging out for some fake behaviour that gives you just enough hopium to make things seems happy for a while.
I’m so sorry. As a man, I feel for you. I’m glad you’re leaving this relationship. A few comments about your post.
1) How did you meet this guy and decide that he was a good choice for a long term relationship? No judgment, just curious to help you think about where to find a quality guy in the future.
2) Porn distorts peoples view on sex and intimacy, so I’m glad you pointed that out.
3) He has multiple red flags bundled up in a basket. It sounds like you saw signs and I’m glad you “snooped”.
4) Snooping: So, especially in marriage I’m against the idea of “privacy” from your “committed” spouse that you took vows with. Just be single if you have things that are so “private” that you obviously know you shouldn’t be doing and will hurt your spouse, like cheating. So stupid! Dating it not as black and white, but you’ll find 1,000 other men and women glad they did “snoop” before they got married! That’s all I have to say about it. Okay, one thing. My wife and I have an open phone and account policy. We don’t go through each other’s phone normally, but last night I was texting a business client while watching a movie with my wife and I saw her look over a few times, so I stopped and handed her my phone so she can read every message. That’s what I mean. I’m more proactive in that sense. Done.
5) Controlling: There are people out there who are controlling. Most of the time these days people use the word “controlling” when they mean boundaries. Some spouses don’t like boundaries. So, they gas light the hell out their spouses so that they can do what they want, like when they were single. They should just stay single.
6) I’m sorry you had to deal with this. There are some amazing men out there. They’re looking for great women and committed relationships. Take your time and don’t give too much of yourself physically and emotionally too quickly to the next guy. Make them work for it and show they want you and desire you above everyone around them. That’s the guy who will marry you.
It is obvious he is still hung up on her. And using the kid as an excuse. You have proof in the jello pudding he has been messing around with feelings for her and the video deal. Plus PORN? Loser in my eyes. You can do better than this one. Leave ASAP. They deserve each other. Won’t change. If it isn’t you Today, Tomorrow another he will treat in the same ill manner.
No, it’s not worth fixing. He’s clearly disengaged from your relationship. Life is too short to waste your time with someone like this.
Leave, he is scum. You deserve better. Go find yourself a real man who will live and respect you.
With the porn and trying to see if he has feelings for his ex, it sounds like you’re a catch, but he can’t find those feelings fof you. Not your problem. There are plenty of great men out there that will certainly have those feelings for you.
Don’t be numb, do yourself and him a favour and break up with him. Do it before you become too numb, and let this man di more harm to you.
You deserve to be with someone who is sure about you.
Baby, you are young. You don’t know it yet, but it’s possible to be in a relationship that doesn’t have problems like this. Get out and find one before you waste another 10 years with this man. It won’t get better.
How much of your 20s do you want to waste on this guy?
No, let him crawl back to his ex. He sucks.
Porn addiction, bad father and a cheat ? No way’
Grieve and then move on. You deserve better than this.
Don’t be so sure all the negative things he said about the ex are true.