I went on 5 dates with this guy, he is very handsome, funny, ambitious, and a great guy. I kept agreeing to his date ideas because I did enjoy spending time with him, and I felt attracted to him. He always offered to pay even though I offered to split the bill with him every time, which I feel a bit bad about. We did make out a lot, and I do feel attracted to him. However, the last date I realized the conversational chemistry isn’t fully there, its kind of superficial, and I couldn’t see myself spending hours with him doing nothing. I agreed to another date with him (he wants to cook dinner with me at his place) since he asked at the end of the night. But this morning I felt that I am not interested anymore. I feel bad about rejecting him since I already spent so much time with him. How should I go about cancelling the date and ultimately rejecting him?
26 comments
Just be honest with him, tell him that you dont see this going anywhere and that you dont want to waste each others time.
Be super honest, but kind. Something like “I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you and getting to know you. I’ve felt very attracted to you, but recently I’ve realised that for me the chemistry isn’t there. I don’t want to continue dating, but thank you for the time we’ve spent together” or something like that
Before rejecting him, why don’t you express how you’re feeling and see how he feels? I don’t see why you have to cut it off if you feel all these other things for him? Maybe he will change it up? What if he hasn’t showed his true self yet?
Be honest.
Tell him you had fun times with him but the feeling isn’t there. Say you didn’t want to waste his time because it’s precious. Then move on. It’d be worst if you stayed and didn’t just tell him.
Hey, I’ve had such a great time getting to know you, but I feel like we’re building more of a friendship than a romantic connection. I’m not feeling the spark that I’m looking for.
*his response*
You’re such a great guy, and I really hope you find what you are looking for too. All the best.
So what? Opinions change, and you changed yours. Do not feel bad about it.
You did not sign a contract about staying with him after 5 dates.
The only point is that you have to be resolute in your decision … do not make up your mind that you want him again after a few days
>he wants to cook dinner with me at his place
He’s definitely thinking the possibility is there for sex, because he really wants to progress this relationship further from where you are. Good thing you’re pulling the plug now.
Just tell him the truth and back that up with reasons, because he really does deserve some kind of closure. If he’s on reddit, we may even see him post here himself, trying to find out what went wrong. Do it ASAP, hopefully before he buys that prime rib at the artisan butcher ($90/kg omg).
I suggest doing it on the phone, only do it if you’re a 100% certain. Because just as quick as interest can go, it can also come back.
Be honest, and ask him if he has any questions or wants to say anything.
Nobody’s perfect, you already list all the positives about the guy and you want to break up based on ‘conversational chemistry’ (whatever that means) before trying to work it out with the guy? I hope you realize that building relationships aren’t like the drama movies.
If you already set your mind just be honest and nice, preferably from a place of respect talk to him directly rather than text.
Just be honest and respectful and don’t say good luck to you, say instead something more meaningful like how u wish he finds his one.
Thank him for being so kind and thoughtful
I think it’s interesting that “everyone wants a long term relationship” and then bounce the relationship after 3 to 5 dates. Long term relationship are not all roses n puppies! That’s why marriage vows have for better or for worse.
It’s like maybe you ate something weird for breakfast and now you don’t feel “right” and the first thing you need to do is reject someone or something later that day to feel better.
A week from now it will be all “I miss him/her how do I get them back” lol!
How about OP tries a little experiment and journals her feelings and goes to 10 dates before rejecting?
Set some arbitrary boundaries and challenges to get a good sense of the persons character and their own. Good luck!
Call him up and tell him what you said here. That he’s extremely attractive and a fantastic man but you just don’t think you guys are the correct fit. He might be a little hurt at first, but I bet he’s going to appreciate the hell out of your honesty
Definitely be honest. Maybe not in the sense of “I’ve lost interest” but just “you’re really great, but we don’t really have enough in common and I don’t feel a ton of romantic conversational chemistry between us.” You’ve got this.
I don’t want to be that person, but if you are enjoying yourself, attracted to him and all the other stuff, but he’s just not the best conversationalist after 5 dates do you think it’s best to dump him because he is not absolutely Disney perfect?
You’re enjoying yourself, and attracted to him. I don’t see why the break up is needed.
But I understand, that is what you want and it’s not my place to tell you not to reject him I just think it is weird since he seemed perfect to you in all other aspects except he isn’t a good communicator.
Never the less, is you are set on rejecting him for not being perfect by the 5th date, just be honest with him let him know why you are wanting to stop seeing him and do it soon.
Since you listed all these positive things, have you tried bringing up the idea of wanting to go deeper with the conversations? Some people struggle with deep conversation but it doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t open to them/don’t like them. It can be difficult to lower that wall to be able to go deep and I don’t think it would hurt to give him a nudge in that direction before you call it quits.
Don’t feel too bad about it. On your side, it’s important to look out for #1, always, and on his side he’ll ultimately be better off and likely appreciate not being led on now that you’ve made that decision. It’s no problem that it came 5 dates in, all that matters is what you do from here.
Speaking as someone who has dated a girl in the past who wasn’t actually interested romantically but was pleasant to spend time with and kept accepting date offers. When things did finally break off, I definitely walked away wishing she had been honest/ up front like… weeks/ months earlier.
A lot of people (men) are taking OP’s post *very* personally. She’s not being cruel or ghosting. Yeah it’s kind of a weak excuse, but if the feelings aren’t there, they aren’t there, and that’s okay. 5 dates is a reasonable amount of time to get to know someone and whether they’re a fit or not. She’s cutting it off before they get sexual, which is also fair – she doesn’t owe him that, and crossing that line for a lot of women solidifies the relationship.
OP just tell him he’s a really great person but there’s something not quite clicking for you and you don’t want to waste his time, because he’s an absolute catch and you’ve really enjoyed getting to know him. Tell him you wish him the best because he deserves the best. But in the future, if you want deeper conversations, you could bring them up too. Some people avoid this because they’re protective or just don’t want to get too deep too soon. Good luck!
“Hey, there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about. The past dates we’ve had, I had an amazing time and I think that you’re an all around great guy. But to be honest, I don’t see this going long term and I’d rather be open with you before I waste your time and mine into pursing this relationship.”
If he’s a great guy, just tell him your needs. Tell him that you find the conversations a bit superficial. Maybe he feels the same way and would love to talk about deeper stuff. If he gets offended or can’t meet that need, then you have an excuse to breakup. Either way, you either end up in a happy relationship with a great guy, or you have a mutual reason to breakup
If he’s over 28, you can turn him down and pass him to me.
Everything is going pretty smoothly and it’s rocky road out there. It may be worth giving it more of a chance.
He might be more comfortable expressing himself after dinner or more intimacy
Seems the status quo is to just go non-contact and ghost.
Please go counter cultural with your rejection and at least tell them it’s not a fit.
Have you considered the fact that If you don’t have deeper conversations is partially because you are not initiating them?
You can put it on him for sure but in a way the lack of chemistry might just be you not being able to express your needs.
Maybe he wasn’t in the right headspace? Maybe he ran out of things to talk about? What did you do to keep the conversation flowing? You could’ve done something instead of doing nothing. I’m just looking from a different angle.
“The conversational chemistry is not fully there?”
And it took you five dates to realize that?
Sometimes reading out these excuses makes me appreciate being single and not bothering to put myself out there anymore. I’d rather not be hurt over some superficial BS.
You enjoyed several dates but cutting bait because 1 conversation did not go super deep? That is harsh ..