I posted a few weeks ago after my father in law (who hates me) lied to my husband that I was cheating. My husband just fell for his lies without even asking for proof. Things got crazy. He assumed his dad was telling the truth and left our house to go stay at his dad’s. I kept telling him if his dad is telling the truth then he has to be able to show some kind of proof. I’m guessing that didn’t happen because my husband came back and apologized for not trusting me more.
But ever since he’s been back, he’s been obsessed with the idea of getting pregnant. Talking about it constantly, physically trying … I keep telling him I’m 23 … I’m not ready. Of course we’ll have babies but I just want to keep working on us, especially with what just happened. He doesn’t like my answers. Now he’s calling me suspicious and says my answers don’t make sense to him. It feels like we’re back to him not trusting me. I don’t know what’s going on. I just want some kind of outside input because I’m starting to really wonder if this relationship is even working.
45 comments
This is completely toxic at this point. Get couples therapy and figure out if you can continue.
Having a kid will not fix things but make things worse if people aren’t truly ready.
OP, whatever you do make sure you’re in charge of your birth control at all times.
If you’re not ready that’s the end of the story, there shouldn’t be any pressure from him to try and change your mind. If he does persist that’s a huge red flag.
Having a child is an unbelievable responsibility and you should only go down that road when you are ready, he is ready and when your relationship is ready. By the sounds of it in your case he’s the only one who (thinks he) is ready.
Edit: he probably wants you to try and get pregnant as a way to reassure him you’re committed to him. Again, red flag and totally not the right reason to get pregnant
I don’t trust for a second that he has let go of his dad’s ideas.
Getting you pregnant will prevent you from cheating (in the minds of some men), but even worse: it will bind you to him through the baby.
Be very, VERY mindful of your birth control. When he’s this insistent and has no respect for your wishes, he may try to sabotage your bc. Do NOT make do with condoms. They are easy to sabotage or slip off. Pills can be messed with. Make sure you either get the shot, implant or an IUD.
Don’t let him babytrap you.
Get counselling.
Get him to come clean about whatever bs his dad’s been spewing about how to ensure your loyalty.
He wants you pregnant so you are tied to him. He is deeply insecure and suspicious. I’d sit him down and say that what his father did was deeply hurtful to you. Ask him if he is sorry about that? Then say that partners make big decisions, like babies, together. Is he ready to be a partner?
AND – keep your birth control in a locked cabinet or get an IUD.
OP is your birth control somewhere safe that he can’t access?
You probably won’t listen to this, but you need to get away from this family and not get pregnant in the meantime.
Counseling with him will not work because he doesn’t want to change. He’ll pay lip service til you agree to get pregnant, then he has what what he wants and it’s too late for you. Going to therapy with an abuser just gives them more and subtler ways to abuse you.
Dude, it’s a trap.
Please do everything you can not to get pregnant. Don’t have sex with him. If you fear he will assault you for withholding sex, your situation has become dire and you need to make a plan to leave safely asap.
Has he already isolated you from all your family and friends or do you have some support?
Girl run. This man doesn’t respect you and wants to trap you. Other people are saying that you need to be in control of your birth control and you need to listen to them.
But really? You need to get away from this man.
His dad has gotten so into his head that he thinks his only option is to baby trap you( so you won’t cheat) and if you don’t then that means to him you aren’t committed enough to him for him to think you won’t cheat.
You can get couples counseling and see if it works. Be honest about how his actions have made you feel like this is the last resort bc his lack of trust for you, without any reason to be, is making this relationship look like it’s not going to last. If he doesn’t take it then honestly I’d jump ship bc nothing will change his mindset especially with his dad being so in his ear about you.
You are correct, he still doesn’t trust you. He left so fast before that it is likely that he has some massive insecurities already.
Trust takes time and effort to rebuild, he seems to think a baby fixes everything, but it doesn’t. his paranoia and insecurity is not your fault or your problem.
So to the baby thing. He is not respecting you, he isn’t wanting a baby because you both are ready, he wants one to tie you down and make him feel like you are tied to him permanently.
That mind set is so wrong that I would advise not sleeping with him at all. He doesn’t get to decide for you that you are having a baby.
What is more likely to happen is that his paranoia gets worse, he starts to track your phone and car, cameras to monitor you and that still won’ t be enough and he will be checking your email and phone. If you didn’t have some kind of tracker before I will put money that there is now. He will get increasinglly controlling and then will blame you when he doesn’t feel secure enough in your relationship.
Please, please be careful and do not have a child with him unless some serious relationship work is done first. He cannot just come back from what he did and expect you to forget his betrayal just because he came back, but I suspect he does think that just because he apologised that everything is great again.
If you are not ready, then he absolutely doesn’t get to pressure you, that is most certainly an indicator of things that are not working in your relationship.
This guy will continue to test you the moment any little thing gets him worried. Don’t have a kid with him.
If you don’t like what’s going on now you’re definitely not going to be happy with a child in the mix. I agree with everyone here saying he still doesn’t trust you and wants a baby to tie you to him. Your husband’s issues aren’t going to go away on their own, especially if he’s still close to people who are actively trying to break your relationship. If you continue to be with him and end up pregnant (whether you wanted to or not) don’t be surprised when he demands a paternity test too. It’s going to get worse, not better.
OP, you’re young. You can still start over do better for yourself with relative ease. Don’t wait for a breaking point, just go.
He’s trying to trap you. He 100% still believes you cheated. You guys need counseling or a divorce.
He wants you pregnant for many reasons. But given your specific on text I would say these are the main reasons he wants you pregnant:
1) to keep you tied to him
2) to leave you in a state that shows you “belong to another man.”
3) to make you physically “unattractive“ to other men
4) To leave you in a vulnerable state that would ensure you look to him for support.
5) to give them self peace of mind for at least 2years. If you are too busy taking care of a child you will not have time to “cheat”. ( for the period of pregnancy and postpartum as well as infancy for your hypothetical child.)
All of the above are not good reasons to have a child.
As a person who slightly older than you, he’s also very likely trying to take advantage of your susceptible Age range. This may not be for everyone but a lot of people have a change of heart around 25 or 26 where you want to enjoy more of your adult life instead of giving it to children and family. I have a couple of friends who just turned 27 and have decided to be intentionally child free. When I was 21 and 22 I was dying to get married, I was searching for the one. Now that I’m 25 I see things very differently and I want to be able to enjoy more of my life and he might be afraid that you also have the shift in mentality.
Either way I would double check my birth control and then have a conversation with him about the lunacy of his decision. If you are ready for a child sit timelines and goals together. If we are not misreading the situation and he is randomly possessive, you should protect yourself. If your husband is controlling and he’s starting to show his true colors, getting you pregnant accomplishes the two things that make you a good and docile victim. It ostracizes you from your friends and it puts you in a vulnerable state where you are less likely to fight back.
He’s trying to manipulate you into getting pregnant (which will literally make it so you can never actually escape from him and will keep your lives enmeshed even if you try to divorce) by stating that your trustworthyness is dependent upon it. He and his dad both were in on this plan, him leaving was part of this plan, and YOU need to leave before he actually impregnates you and ruins your life. We’re the same age, I’m getting PHDs and while I am engaged, I will not be ready for marriage for at least three more years.
You’re throwing your youth away to be with an abusive juvenile man child, why??
Your husband needs some therapy and to limit his contact with his father until he gets help. I believe that he may be trying to tie you to him with a baby. He will feel more secure knowing that with a child you can never truly be out of his life. Men and women do this when they are afraid of the relationship ending. Have you both discussed marriage counseling?
Prior to getting married, what discussions did you and your husband have about having children? Surely this was something you spoke about. If you and your husband previously said you both wanted kids in your mid 20s it makes sense that he is going on about it now. It could be a major life milestone that he’s been looking forward to for a long time. This is the most innocent explanation for the way your husband is behaving.
I am in no means trying to defend his behaviour, I’m just trying to point out a perspective that could potentially be less malicious than the likely alternative, which is he wants you to have a baby so he can control and trap you. A lot of other commenters have said what I would say about this already so I won’t go into it, but you should absolutely take a step back and look at other things in your relationship that could point to these signs.
At the end of the day a supportive partner would NEVER try to convince or bully their partner into having a baby when they have explicitly said they are not ready. You’ve made it clear to him you do not want a baby yet and he needs to accept this. There is nothing suspicious about this and it seems he has some major trust issues he needs to work through. You should consider getting the depo shot, bad implant or an IUD for contraception as opposed to a pill.
It was 100% a scumbag move. At least he got beat up on live TV for it. I kinda wish it lasted a little longer with some more ground and pound
He’s trying to trap you! You’re 23 and already married to him… That should have been your first clue that this guy wants to own you. Also, would have cut contact with in-laws and dumped him the moment he believed his dad without proof. He’s an abuser, of course he’s gaslighting you and manipulating you.
I would wager that if you do get pregnant, he’ll start saying it’s not his child. He’s massively insecure and is far too influenced by his father, who is just trying to cause trouble between you (and has succeeded so far).
You do realize that this is your FIL speaking through your husband mouth right? You are just an incubator to them please don’t fall in this trap
Guys that get desperate to get you pregnant is to lock you down so that you are stuck with them and then don’t bother to help so that you can’t do anything else. They also push for it after they cheat also for the same reason and so they can continue to have both worlds.
RUN.
He’s trying to baby trap you. Please get birth control he can’t tamper with
Relationships do not need to be this difficult. I’m sorry OP but it sounds like this relationship is not going to get easier, it sounds like it will only get worse.
For women, from the second you see two lines on the stick, there is no more ME, but WE forever.
A man can bail whenever he wants.
Unless you are ready for WE forever, take your pill, get an IUD, etc
He wants to baby trap you. Make sure you keep your birth control (if you use it) in a safe place as he might tamper with it. I would definitely rethink this relationship.
He is trying to baby trap you and no this relationship isn’t working.
please leave this crazy man and his crazy husband/father.
You should dump his suspicious immature, insecure ass. He’s trying to baby trap you. Your marriage is not good with him being the way he is and believing his dad over you. That’s just one instance where things will go wrong throughout your marriage. Do not have children with this man. He will leave you when you need him the most. Run girl run
He is trying to baby trap you. He sounds insecure and immature to be honest. I would re-think the whole relationship and make sure you truly do want a future with him before deciding when you will have kids with him.
This relationship is not even in the same time zone as healthy.
Do not get pregnant! Get an IUD and use some other form of birth control as well. Keep it locked up where he can’t get to it. This guy has some serious issues. Having a baby is the worst possible thing that you can do. He wants to control you. You will be trapped with an infant and his irrational behavior on top of it.He either agrees to counseling and goes or you need to be done with this *sshole.
He wants to baby-trap you. And no, the relationship is not working.
Look, having a baby is not something that a partner demands from the other partner. It’s a huge commitment, for life, it requires a lot of work to raise another human, it obliterates all your free time, your energy, you need to be available for the tiny human 24/7. You sleep when the baby sleeps, not at night. If the baby is sick you run to the doctor, no matter what other plans you had for your day. The tiny person needs you for everything: eating, bathing, changing diaper, learning how to speak, how to walk, how to dress, how to use a proper bathroom, how to tie their shoelaces, how to deal with issues at school. You need to be emotionally and physically and financially ready for all of this. Your husband can express his preference but he cannot **demand** you that you do it. Especially since you will carry the pregnancy in your own body and you will go through all the physical changes, being tired all the time, feeling the baby kick inside you and so on. I’m not saying it’s not worth it for people who want to be parents but I do say you can’t doing because another person is pressuring you to do that. If he insists like that and refuses to listen to your reasoning about not being ready, he does not respect you. For me, the pressure to insta-produce children on demand and not listening to a “not now” would be cause to ask for divorce. But your husband already shows a lot of red flags on top of it, like accusing you of cheating just because. Run away from this man, he does not care about you at all.
The relationship is not working. It’s not BACK to not trusting you, he never stopped not trusting you. He and his dad want you pregnant so you’re stuck with him. Leave asap.
He is not ready. That quick mind change is something to watch out for.
Boom you have a baby and it doesn’t look like him and then he switches up again.
Nah. Headache.
Just him immediately believing his father would be enough for me to be done.
He’s trying to trap you, so it’s a lot more difficult to leave him. Highly likely his before will not get better.
This is more bad advice from dad: Get her pregnant so she can’t leave.
Can’t get pregnant with him if you don’t have sex with him. See how he reacts to that.
Oh honey, he’s waving soo many red flags I’m surprised you can walk in the wind he’s created.
He doubted you.
He went to his dads before actually communicate with you.
He is ignoring you and pressuring you to get pregnant.
Get away from him. Get on some sort of birth control ge can’t mess with. Or just get away from him.
I agree with you that 23 years old is just a tad too young to have a baby. Your husband wants to get you pregnant to “lock you in” and/or is love bombing. I see your father in law continuing to interfere in your lives and your husband will continue to listen to him over you. Get out of this before it gets worse because it will.
This relationship is not working. Your husband is a psycho.
He’s trying to baby trap you
Keep any birth control secure FROM HIM. Getting an implanted form would be even better
It’s not working.
he’s controlling and abusive, and deeply insecure.
he wants a baby because then you’ll be tied to him for a long time, and he thinks you won’t leave.
Leave now, before this gets worse.
He doesn’t trust you and there is zero point in continuing this relationship. Let alone brining children into it. It’s time to leave.
Please don’t be that naïve! He never trusted you in the first place otherwise he hadn’t believed his father. That was the red flag where it should’ve ended.
And am guessing it’s not about him binding you, it’s about controlling you, and if you’re preggo no other man will wanna touch you. That’s his mindset. When the kid is born you will be the SAHM and he thinks you have no time to duck around.
His father is a red flag and your husband is weak to get gaslighted by him. You need to wake up and set boundaries! No sex as long as you don’t feel save. He will manipulate your pill etc cause daddy told him so. Please girl.
I hope I’m wrong but it will only get worse…