3rd week of first year at uni has passed and I feel like i’m falling behind.
People around me are already forming friendships and social circles, but not me. I must have been unlucky because my class is just uninterested in my person. I tried to reach out to people from beyond my class. During lectures I try to sit every time to someone new and talk with people around me if I can think of a topic. Sometimes it works and I have a good conversation, but as soon as lecture ends, so does our interactions. I tried to make plans with them but it rarely works out cuz they always have something else to do. I tried to organize group hang outs, at the start of the year it’s been easier but now when people are already in their own cliques, it’s almost impossible. They again have better things to do.
Even if it works out and we have a good time when hanging out as a group, it doesn’t last. I had few situations when some people don’t come up to say hey despite talking with me for prolonged time the night before, they pretend to not see mr or expect me to always be the one to come up to them or generally give uninviting vibe and I didn’t do anything wrong to deserve that treatment. I even created messanger group for hang outs with like 40 people in them from our major and it’s completely dead now, every time I say I’m organizing something I hardly get any responses. Noone else from my year does anything to organize people just to have fun
I’m exhausted from all this trying, noone PMs me and it’s always me who has to ask people to hang out or be interested in them. I have like 2 guys from my class who i can talk to comfortably, rest is more or less on edge. I wanted to have healthy social circle where there are girls and guys, but there are 2 guys from my class who gather all girls around them, and other girls are in their own cliques.
WTF am I supposed to do? I’m not awkward around people, I can talk with guys and girls alike and I don’t say anythything that would put people off
I tried everything, now I’m exhausted and my confidence is shrinking. At the start of the year I had no problem with coming up to people cuz everyone was new, now I no longer even try.
I no longer feel like reaching out to everyone one by one on messanger cuz I don’t want to look desperate and quite frankly I already know what they are going to say
2 comments
Hm, a few suggestions:
>During lectures I try to sit every time to someone new and talk with people around me if I can think of a topic.
I understand why you tried this, but I think it’s working against you.
Friendships form through repeated interactions and time. If you sat next to someone who was willing to chat with you every lecture, you have a much better basis for more interactions and developing a friendship outside of lecture. If you talk to someone once, then move, they’ll forget about you.
>Sometimes it works and I have a good conversation, but as soon as lecture ends, so does our interactions.
Dude, this is normal. Friendships form though time. Don’t be discouraged; this is fine. Keep chatting, give it time.
>I tried to make plans with them but it rarely works out cuz they always have something else to do.
Again, likely because you’re not being patient. Someone you see or interact with only during lectures will take more time to warm up to you than say, someone you’re roommates with, or someone you knew in high school, or whatever.
>I had few situations when some people don’t come up to say hey despite talking with me for prolonged time the night before, they pretend to not see mr or expect me to always be the one to come up to them or generally give uninviting vibe and I didn’t do anything wrong to deserve that treatment.
Try to remember: no one is doing this **at** you. The baseline for interactions with people we aren’t already friends with is neutrality. Not dislike, not like, neutral. They aren’t treating you in any way, necessarily, they’re just doing what feels natural which is not approaching someone they feel neutral about.
You’re three weeks in and you already have two guy friends. Do you not realize you’re doing well?? That’s great, dude.
You don’t need to exhaust yourself trying. You’re doing fine. Relax a little, be patient, and allow things to develop. Don’t try to rush your timeline. Don’t compare yourself to others. We’re all very complex humans and you’ll drive yourself crazy comparing your experience to others’ experiences.
I’m getting this sense that you are trying WAY TOO HARD. You’re creating messenger hangouts, but did anyone share interest in that or was that something you created to force interaction?
Same thing when trying to organize something, did you talk to people to get their thoughts and see if a few people already showed interest before you organized the hang out? Or did you organize the hangout and just hoped people would show interest. See the difference? One way was collaborative and another way was you forcing an idea.
And you mentioned you haven’t been able to build close relationships yet so of course if you organize something, they are not incentivized to go because they don’t KNOW you yet and you haven’t interacted enough to build a connection where they feel comfortable around you.
My advice is stop trying so hard and just be patient. Get to know people individually in your class. Go for laid back 1:1 hangouts like grabbing coffee or a meal together. As you start to chill out and start to build more connections, it’s going to be much easier and more organic for them to invite you to things and for you to plan things with them.