I (21F) grew up in a household where porn and anything sexual was always taboo and I was shamed for it. This is affecting my relationship as my bf (23M) receives my mean comments like “you care more about porn than me” and “you literally look at it every day, that’s gross”
I can’t help but feel grossed out when my intrusive thoughts of him using it blares into my head. And when I have intrusive thoughts about him doing that stuff it scars me, like some sort of trauma which makes me very uncertain about the relationship.
I don’t know what to do. I have a therapist appointment November 22nd, but man it can’t come soon enough.
In some ways I feel I’m not grown up enough because of the way I feel, but I feel like I’ll always feel like this; that porn, even though I use it, is so gross.
We also have other issues like we both are focusing on the “exit” signs in the relationship, we don’t know how to get comfortable enough to where we don’t. I’m impatient on him trying to be more romantic, he’s patient on me getting a job and working on myself. I focus on him too much, and can’t think about what I want.
It doesn’t help that our relationship started out on sex.
Please give advice any way you can.
TLDR; I feel grossed out by bfs porn use, and my intrusive thoughts make me feel traumatized. How do I get over that? Also we’re both focusing on the “exit” signs because we don’t know how to deal with our problems.
5 comments
You must try to heal yourself first, that’s the best way to start
Maybe you’re just not ok with porn. It’s ok to have that boundary and value. As with your boyfriend, it’s a matter of compatibility. He may not hold the same boundary or value
I wanna let you know that porn is harmful to plenty of truly monogamous relationships. I used to watch it a bunch when single but in my current relationship we have both dropped it because we found it unnecessary and harmful. There are people who don’t find porn necessary in their relationships. It feels like you’re including other people even if the other person doesn’t know it. And if he’s preferring porn over sex with you then he’s probably an addict. Visit /r/loveafterporn if you suspect this is the case. If he is then he’s the problem here and not you.
You have a choice to make about what you’re okay with, generally, in all situations. And I think before you can make that decision, you need to figure out what you actually believe.
Are you okay with the idea of porn existing in abstract? What about the idea of your boyfriend masturbating is “gross” to you? Especially if you also use it?
Some people just aren’t okay with porn. It’s never acceptable to them. And if that’s you, then that’s you.
But it’s an important enough issue that it’s worth doing some reflection and digging into *why* you feel the way you do. Explore the feelings, test yourself, examine your views, like you would for any view.
On your boyfriend’s side – if he wants to jerk off to porn x times a week, that’s not morally wrong, regardless of how often he does it. It’s only wrong if it’s actively hurting you, so you need to figure out *why* it hurts you before you can move forward to improving the situation.
One thing you probably need to stop doing is blasting him for looking at porn. It’s not a crime or a sin – his bodily autonomy is not something you should ever call “gross”, no matter how you might feel about it – it’s not the right way to deal with this.
Picking out the little details in this post, are you having mental health issues generally? You talk about not having a job, and infer that his porn use affects your self-esteem. Are you one of those people where sexual attraction “props up” your self-esteem?
If so, these are probably more important things to focus on than how often your boyfriend wants to masturbate.
Obviously a great option here is therapy, but in the meantime there is a super obvious solution: practice a bit of good old fashion self control. Unless you have some underlying psychological condition where its literally impossible to control yourself, just dot’t act out. When you want to say a mean comment, just bite your damn tongue. Its not that hard.