It started with my family randomly giving out to me for being aggressive when I had zero intent or even reason to, like it would be during completely normal conversations, I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong at all to the point that I thought everyone was just fucking with me despite the reactions to whatever I’d said sometimes being strong enough to put me onto the verge of tears. Now my friends, and even complete strangers are pointing it out. I try so hard to be nice to everyone even when I’m in the worst moods, whenever I’ve asked what I did wrong to come off as however I did all I’ve gotten is a “you just did” without an actual reason or specific thing I said, I don’t get what I’m doing wrong
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Have you asked them to be specific?
First rule of communication:
What you say is not what you mean
What they hear is not what you said
What they interpret is not what they heard
Even if you dont mean, some people can interpret it in different ways. That is not you beijg wrong or them being wrong. Jist misunderstanding.
There are few ways to mitigate:
Be super clear oj your intention upfront. Eg I dont want harm, I am not angry, I just want to say X or I want to ask Y
To help you get the useful feedback, start with acknowledgment of it being miscommunication and ask that you want to understand how they interpreted what you said. Dont ask what you did wrong. Again you did not. Their interpretation does not equal your intend. So yoi want to know what is that.
You can ask: Im sorry I did mean to sound angry, what did you understand by me saying this?
Also being honest about your intention to ondo and learn from it may help the other side to be more helpful to you: I want to not sound like that, you telling me what made you feel like that i am angry will help me learn.
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A lot of it is probably tone. My ex husband was prone to speaking ‘passionately’ and it often came across as though he was angry or pissed off or having an out of proportion reaction to something. He’s better now, and I think it has come down to him recognizing that he has to temper his speech. And also getting help with his depression.
But he’s still a passionate speaker. I just tell him to calm the fuck down and he laughs and resets. He no longer gets offended, he recognizes that it’s his responsibility to moderate his own tone and language if he doesn’t want to be misunderstood.
I really need this post
Without specific feedback you might think about a few things – soften your voice, as in lower the volume, slow your speech a bit, and try to be have a more gentle tone. You don’t want to be condescending but think about how you would talk to a child or pet, slightly higher pitch and softer. Think about your body language, as in uncross your arms, slow down or minimize hand gestures. Also consider your facial expressions, do you naturally squint or bring your eye brows down, or frown. Maybe pause before you speak, just a second or two and breathe (but not an audible sigh because that could send a frustrated message as well). Think positive and open and then start to speak. If possible try to video yourself to get more feedback. Oh, and if you curse a lot, try to pull that back. Casually f-bombing someone not used to that could make them think you are angry. And finally, minimize sarcasm as some people don’t know it’s a joke and think about removing judgmental words like “once again” “finally” and other extra words that passive aggressively express frustration. Good luck and keep working on it.
Those MFer’s don’t like what they are hearing. Try saying mostly nothing. Hello. Goodbye. Weather is great you are correct. I love work. How are you? I am fine. (with zero elaboration) Fuck them.
Do you remember what you said before you got these comments? Any time you get that reaction, try writing down what you said and look for patterns. It’s all conjecture since we weren’t there but you could consider…
Do you have a heavy brow, squint a lot, avoid eye contact/hold it too long, keep your body closed off, or clench your jaw in social situations? Basically, could it be something nonverbal in your body language?
Do you have strong opinions about everyday things and express them frequently? Maybe something you are saying is unintentionally negative and they perceive it as aggression. (Eg political opinions or unintentionally judgmental statements)
Do you feel like you have to defend yourself frequently? Sometimes defensiveness can come off as aggression if you don’t realize you’re doing it. (I am working on this right now)
Try compiling what triggers that response and you will get more direct advice. Others here have given really good advice on how to communicate IRL to get a straight answer on why people get that impression too.
Have you considered that they’re right? It’s very possible you have an aggression within you that you don’t acknowledge. Maybe talk to a therapist, learn about shadow integration.
I have this issue. I sleep very little and become moody because of it. I try to be calm but it comes out. It’s just a human reaction to the stress in my life.
It is doubtless tone of voice. Record yourself saying these things, then go play them back to yourself when alone. You may be surprised by what you hear, but it is very difficult to change this. You will have to work at it and may need a voice coach.
Did you ever ask family to explain? Siblings and best friends are perfect for this because by now they should be used to you, and you can ask them more specific questions and they (hopefully) won’t mind. Like why did I sound angry? My tone? My volume? My face? What words I used? Was there a better way to say it? Explain what you meant and elaborate as much as you need to. Then explain the result you wanted. Then ask how they would say it.
For example, say someone picked up something fragile I cared about. I might panic and say, “Put that down!” The desired result is not actually that the person puts it down. What I am most worried about is it breaking. The actual desired result is that it isn’t accidentally broken. So someone else might say, “Please be careful with that.” Or “I’m sorry, but that’s very important to me. Please put it back.” Both sound less aggressive than my initial reaction. And my initial reaction is actually the most likely to cause an accidental breakage as I could have startled them.
I have this problem. Being quiet, being respectful, and expecting the same in return has worked for me. When you do converse with people, make sure it’s something positive or thought provoking. If ya don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all. 🤷🏻♂️
My sister is like this with most conversations. I don’t know if she knows it or not but telling her would set her off so I just deal or distance myself.
She always has to be right
She doesn’t know how to have a conversation just for fun
Her facial expression are one of the most telling signs where she furrows her brow at anything she dosen’t understand
She takes everything as a criticism
Overall she’s bad at communicating
Honestly it’s exhausting, medication has helped her but she still has her moments.
I had this all of my life. Then I realised I am asd/ADHD. It made everything make sense.