Follow up thread on [https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/yb38z7/i\_asked\_out\_my\_friend\_and\_she\_said\_no/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/yb38z7/i_asked_out_my_friend_and_she_said_no/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
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Basically my friend organized a surprise birthday party for me and bought me an expensive present. After the party yesterday we had the following conversation over text:
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Me: Thanks for organizing everything. You put a lot of effort in it. I would like to buy you lunch sometime.
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She: I hope you had fun. Also, no need for the lunch.
And then some random back and forth where she said there was no need to pay her back.
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I did not explicitly called it a date because I don’t want to lose her friendship if she says no. Anyways, as many of you mentioned on the main thread should I wait a while and then ask her out again? Maybe be a little direct and ask her on a date?
33 comments
Just be super direct. Like when asking her out, use the word date
dude you weren’t direct enough , that didn’t even sound like a romantic advance
Ask her out directly and accept whatever answer she gives you. If it yes great your into the dating and then see if it progresses, if it’s no then move on.
I don’t think you got rejected bro. To me, it seems like you are trying to repay her for all that she’s done for you and her response seems like she took it that way and doesn’t require repayment, not like she’s rejecting a date. I would just keep being friends with her as if nothing happened and explicitly ask her out when you get a chance. Just my opinion on things.
Asking her out for lunch is not a signal of romantic interest. Keeping things intentionally vague to protect the friendship isn’t gonna work…and how would you expect it to? Keeping her in the dark about your true intentions is just gonna leave everyone confused.
“Would like to go out on a date with me?”.
That is all you say, keep it short, simple, And with clear intentions. If she says no you just say “No worries, I still like hanging out with you as friends🙂”. Just play it cool either way. Good luck.
Doesn’t sound like she rejected you. She’s basically saying “you don’t owe me anything, I organized this out of the goodness of my heart”. And, if I were you, going forward I will cut out any of this tit-for-tat stuff. Let people splurge on you from time to time. Do it for others too, with no intention of getting paid back.
Since you’re friends, I assume you know her relationship status. Start flirting with her a bit here and there, over text if you’re shy. Add innuendos. Show hints that you’re interested. And, in a couple weeks (maybe sometime in December), ask her out for drinks in the evening.
Don’t tell her how you feel, just keep flirting while gauging interest.
Honestly I would leave it at that. No it didn’t sound like you were asking her on a date, but if she was interested romantically then I think she wouldn’t have turned down an opportunity to spend time together one on one.
This is kind of difficult, if you ask her out on the date and get rejected, it will mess with your relationship. The very least you will feel different.
Typically the advice would be to kind of ramp it up slowly, and see which kind of reactions you get. However, no offense, I don’t think you have to social skills yet, to correctly read the reactions.
If you’re romantically interested, it doesn’t matter _what_ you do together, It’s much more to get this intimate, cozy mood that allows for deep connection. You were friends already, so think about which circumstances would help for that atmosphere, and set up something for that. Lunch is more a thing to get to know each other more superficially.
All this to say, don’t make it weird. Even if you go on the proper date, it’s just one step of many, don’t blow it up in your mind to be that big thing, it’s just one step of many.
Lol. You never asked her out the first time!
You need to be very clear about it and specifically use the word “date” when you ask her otherwise she might just think you’re repaying the favor of throwing you a party.
As long as you’re respectful towards her if she does reject you AND you drop the idea of asking her out after (possibly) being rejects afterwards then your friendship shouldn’t be in jeopardy. Assuming you two are both mature adults.
Lmfao this was not a romantic gesture at all, this was her rejecting the proposition of you wanting to pay her back or return the favor.
You have to risk the friendship, that’s the reality of things
OMG dude, yes you should for sure ask her out for realz this time. I am a woman and the way you asked her out makes it seem like you want to return the favor. She said no because she just wanted to do something nice for you and does not expect payback.
Some people really don’t like to be a bother and will therefor be very rejective of gifts. You should be honest and tell her, that you want to take her out on a date, because it would make **you** happy (absolutely nothing wrong with that). This makes clear, that she’s not a burden and that you’re not trying to even the scale, but instead want to have a date with her.
She can still reject the actual date part.
An easy way to bring someone out is to tell them, that you’re going to do x and ask them to join you. It’s not very direct, a rejection is not an overall rejection and it puts no pressure on the other person.
Sounds like ur thanking her for the bday by casually getting her lunch. She sounds like she doesn’t want u to feel the need to pay her back or take her out for it. As a female I’d never think this meant a date or something more. If u like her u should tell her and say u want to go out on a date. Worse case she says no and u have ur answer and u move on. Such is life. U never know if u don’t try. Good luck op
ASK HER OUT FOR REAL!
Ok now that I read this, you need to shoot for the stars and ask her on a literal date
Yep as others have pointed out, that is definitely not a rejection. That sounds more like “you don’t have to worry about it”. If you are interested in her, start trying light flirting and see how she reacts. You could also straight up tell her you are interested in her and ask her out on a date, but that is ballsy and if she doesn’t have feelings for you it will affect your friendship with her, and I know that’s not what you want.
This is how you go about it”You remember when I wanted to pay for your lunch? Yea, I don’t know if you took it that way but I actually meant to ask you for a date”
Not word for word, but that should be the gist. If she says no, leave her alone.
Idk, I’d say if she did feel romantically towards you she would’ve taken you up on it regardless of if she thought you meant it platonically.
Just ask her “hey remember the other day when I offered lunch? I was asking as a date, but wasn’t sure if that’s what you got?” If she says she understood that then be calm take it well & move on, if she says she didn’t get that then ask if she would like to go on a date.
Tbh as a lady, this is what I’d prefer. I strongly disagree with the comments saying to introduce flirting – if she does just want to be friends starting to flirt without transparency will make things weird. Asking & being genuinely ok with either answer feels best to get from your friend’s perspective 👍
Yall laughing at my 10 questions comment fucking get it now.
OP, you didn’t ask her out. Friends grab lunch all the time. If you have romantic interest then ask her out on an actual date, and don’t text it, do it in person. Don’t be afraid of losing your friendship because honestly, if you have romantic feelings, you’re already not being a good friend and it’s only going to decay anyway.
Ask her out and don’t stress about it. By the time you’re my age, you’ll be able to skip the dates and ask your friends if they want to sit on your face for going above and beyond for you. It’s literally that silly how little people care what you ask them.
You shouldn’t ask someone out during your birthday or special events.
It will ruin the friendship. It’s essentially guilt tripping in the worst case. Best case it’s awkward timing.
Think of it this way, would you ever truly know if she accepted because she was genuinely interested in you? Or was it because she didn’t want to ruin a special day for you?
Also… A friend being nice to you doesn’t mean that she likes you. An easy way to find out if she does is to see if she does the same thing when you two are alone or only when you’re with others. If I was in a similar position I’d try to do this only with other friends around to specifically avoid misunderstandings.
You don’t repay for a gift, a thank you is enough. Why don’t you do. Something nice for her?
No woman that I know (and I am a woman and know a lot of women) would understand that you were asking her out. It just sounded like you wanted to pay her back for being nice, and that she wanted to tell you that you absolutely don’t need to pay her back.
Ask her out! Forreal this time. Use the word date. Say that you didn’t mean to be unclear last time, and you would like to go on a date with you. Even if she’s not into you that way, she clearly really likes you. If she says no, you can still be friends!
Good luck!
You are playing it way too soft and friendly but it seems like you want more. You will never have a physical relation with this type of dishonest intent. State what you want and go for it.
As a woman myself, it sounds like she was just being super nice and thought your offer for lunch was just an offer to pay her back for all the work she did to surprise you. Which is why she said there was no need. Like some of the other comments said, try being more direct. And you can clarify that you’re not just doing this to pay a favor back. Good luck!
Yeah that wasn’t asking her out my guy
Is there maybe another in between friend that knows you both? Perhaps you could talk to them and ask for help.
You didn’t ask her out! What the hell was that?
She thinks you want to pay her back.
You need to be WAY more direct and flirty.
No
She might have actually been insulted that you wanted to “pay her back”. She might have feelings too and when I have feelings and do nice things for them I actually feel insecure when that person always wants to “be even”. Like they don’t want to feel indebted. It makes me feel like they only want to be friends.
Everyone here is saying that OP wasn’t direct enough, but if she was into him romantically would she really turn down any opportunity for him to take her out?
It’s not a rejection if you didn’t even ask her out. “I would like to buy you lunch” after a gesture that takes a lot of energy is something that is taken as repayment, not a date.
no. if she were interested in you she would have jumped at the chance to go lunch with you, regardless of whether she thought it was a “payback” lunch or not. in my opinion, she’s already shown you that she is not interested.