Me (33f) and my ex-husband (34m, lets call him John) were together since college, decided to get married a few years after graduating and divorced 2years ago. A total of 15years together.
It was a clean break and it was mutual. We still talk from time to time and we didnt really block each other from social media so I know he’s dated so many times after our divorce.
I haven’t really dated anyone since then because I was busy and just focusing on my career. Last week I finally decided to take a vacation. It was my first solo trip to another country & I decided to go to New Zealand. There were plans at work that a project might be done there.
On this vacation, I accidentally bumped into Mark. He was one of John’s room mates back in college. They were close back then but slowly went no contact after grad, because Mark went to NZ and is still living there.
Mark asked me why I was alone and where John was and I said we divorced 2yrs ago. To make it short, we had dinner and then he took me on tour the next day and we kept going out together. He was really nice and lovely and we just really hit it off and had so much fun. He actually even asked if we can exclusively date, and as much as I wanted that, I dont believe in LDR.
Yesterday, I got back home and uploaded travel pics on social media. One of the pics, Mark’s arm was around me. John messaged me and asked about the pictures. And if I planned to go there to see Mark. I said no and it was a coincidence I met him there. Then he said “oh i thought something was finally gonna happen in your love life been a long time since you dated”
And then I got a big news from my boss. I will be sent to New Zealand for work for the project. It was a promotion I’ve been eyeing for years since I will be the head manager. I was so excited and I told Mark. Then I thought I’d reply to John too saying “Looks like something really might!!”
John called and asked what I meant and then I told him that I will be going to NZ for work and so something might actually happen in my love life. I was even laughing. John was suddenly pissed and accused me I planned this all along. And that I betrayed him. And I was a b1+@$ for “chasing” a relationship with one of his friends. I was shocked because I didnt think it was a big deal. Then he said Mark had feelings for me during college days and I was one of the reasons he went NC with him. I got mad and accused him of lying.
I casually asked Mark if he really had feelings for me back in college and he confirmed.
Now I feel guilty for going out with Mark and having second thoughts even meeting with him again. I feel like I broke an unwritten rule. John dated but never dated any of my friends – even long lost friends.
I dont really know what I’m asking here. I’ve been out from the daring game for a long time now so any advice would be great, thanks!
TLDR ex got really mad at me for going out with his friend he’s been NC for a long time now and I thought it wasnt a big deal but turns out this friend had feelings for me from way back
Edit for clarification: I will not be moved permanently to NZ. It is just a 6-month project and if we do our jobs right, we won’t need to extend longer than that
42 comments
I think you’re fine. Ex is being weird and jealous.
Don’t sweat it. Your ex is being a baby. If he can’t deal, he can shut up. I’d just stop initiating conversation and interaction if he insists on being lame about it.
I don’t think you should talk to your ex about your love life.
It’s not your job at this point to manage your ex-husband’s feelings. You should date who you want to date.
And if he’s going to send you prying messages, or blow up at you for living your life, then you should block him on social media. His access to your life is contingent about him being reasonable, and he wasn’t, here.
It’s very normal for people to have a spike of jealousy when they first hear of their ex moving on. So, you know, if he apologizes for his outburst you can let bygones be bygones. But otherwise, if not, if he’s not capable of handling access to your life, then he doesn’t get it.
While I generally do think that it makes sense to tread lightly after a big breakup, it’s been two years. The notion that you have to clip your own wings to avoid stepping on his toes is not reasonable.
I get why he is upset but you didn’t know that mark liked you. Mark and John aren’t even friends anymore
welcome to our amazing little country, your ex is for a reason, go try with Mark and see where it goes.
Please don’t feel guilty, embrace the feelings you’re feeling— sounds like the potential for something really special, don’t let the bitterness and jealousy of an ex get in the way of that! But maybe further distance yourself from any contact with the ex, especially if he is trying to meddle. You’ve done nothing wrong, go out and embrace those feelings. Good luck with everything, wishing you all the best!💖
He’s your ex and you don’t owe him anything. He has no control over who you date, and if this other guy makes you happy then go for it.
He’s your ex so it is impossible for you to betray him. If he doesn’t apologize and shape up immediately I’d stop talking to him about your love life.
Ex is bullying you. Stop being in contact with ex. Date Mark.
Booooo! John’s being a total AH. You don’t need that noise. John isn’t your friend he’s keeping tabs on you and now that you’re dating he’s jealous. You didn’t betray anyone and didn’t break any rules. You go for it! Good for you! 👏👏👏
You have been apart over two years. On top of that, they haven’t talked in hiw long? Your Ex doesn’t really give a sht. At most, he is mad that he knows him. You do you, i hope you have a great time in NZ!
Agree with all others commenting here. I could see where your ex was coming from if this was a close friend of his and a major part of his support circle. But Mark didn’t even know you were divorced after 2 years? They are not friends. You have no moral obligation to your ex here. Date Mark if you want and guilt free! Also, talk with your ex about boundaries if you want to stay in contact. If you don’t care, block him! 🙂
Go find your happiness, girl! You deserve it too.
He has dated a lot yes, but still seems like he hasn’t found what he’s looking for. He knows Mark liked you long ago and your love story will be greater than his love life right now.
You owe him no explanation & I wouldn’t discuss any details with him…if he has a problem, let him and his friend do the talking—not you and him. Mark seems like he will go to bat for you bc he really likes you—enjoy it!! Seems like the universe has aligned this for you…don’t ignore it 💖
Why feel guilty? You didn’t know. You’ve done nothing wrong. Except for maybe talking about dating with an ex. Some boundaries there would save you stress.
I think one of the big reasons some people keep tabs on exes is to make sure they feel they’re doing better. You got your dreams coming true and Mark might get the shot with you he wanted years ago, and that’s the kind of fairy tale shit that does not make exes happy.
I think if you were dating a total stranger in New Zealand he’d still be salty that things are going so well for you.
Your ex loved the fact you haven’t dated because to him, you were still his even though you divorced. He still had a hold over you. If you move and date Mark, you have truly moved on from him.
You need to go NC with your ex. Date Mark. Live your life. Be happy. Sever ties and move on.
Girl. You owe your ex husband nothing. Doesn’t sound like there’s kids. He’s long since moved on. Doesn’t matter if you’re amicable you really have no reason to be ‘friends’. You choosing to date someone he was sort of friends with.. who you were also at least friendly with over a decade ago is not a betrayal. You divorced this man for a reason so it may be time to remember any hypocrisies or controlling behavior he may have exhibited.
As others have stated, probably best to leave the romantic discussion out of your friendship with your ex.
And you did nothing wrong here. You are divorced, he’s also single, there is no “bro code” that says you two can’t take a shot at something. It isn’t like you hopped out of one relationship and started dating the friend, that would be kinda scummy. It’s been years.
You are divorced and owe your ex husband not a single thing. Do what makes you happy.
while you are friends with your ex, he doesn’t get a say in who you date. He does have a say in who he (the ex) is friends with. You can, if you want, try to talk to him again to reassure him that nothing was going on before now but it sounds like if you continue with Mark you’ll lose the friendship with the ex. That’s a choice you may have to make. The two guys will have to decide whether to remain friends. It doesn’t sound like any of these friendships are that close and involved though, just remnants of friendships from days gone by. It’s not very reasonable to try to stop an ex and a friend from dating when he’s not very involved in either’s life, like what is that hurting exactly?
If they are still friends then it’s weird.
You probably wouldn’t like it if he dated any of your friends.
However if they aren’t even close then I don’t see why he gets to choose who you go out with after you divorced
Sounds like your ex-husband was almost being petty about “nothing going on in your love life for a while”… if you two have been split for so long, and there are no feelings there anymore, there should be no issues with you pursuing a new relationship, especially with someone that neither you or your husband have had any contact with for many years.
Looks like your ex is not a safe person for you to discuss your love life with.
I would have asked my ex why he cares so much about it after being divorced for so long. He just put you in a trap to say what he wanted you to say and allowed him to call you names and stuff.
Ignore him. There’s a reason why you guys divorced. He didn’t need to know much about you anymore. Either block him on social media and/or give him an info diet.
I’d probably be upset/annoyed too if my ex wife of 15 years first relationship back into dating is an old close friend of mine (ESPECIALLY UNDER THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES)
>John messaged me and asked about the pictures. And if I planned to go there to see Mark.
At this point John was probably a little worried you were on vacation with an old friend of his.
>I said no and it was a coincidence I met him there.
You confirm the vacation had nothing to do with him and that It was all coincidence.
>”oh i thought something was finally gonna happen in your love life been a long time since you dated”
John here is now relieved in knowing nothing more than a possible meetup and picture happened with Mark on this vacation.
You in the next conversation (summarized in my head):
Hey John so actually I’m moving to the country Mark lives in so there is a strong possibility we will end up pursuing deeper relationship together.
You caught him off guard. Plain and simple.
7+ billion people on this earth and your ex wife of 15 years is now pursuing a relationship with THAT person. It’s a tough scenario to grasp mentally I’m sure.
Tldc
DATE WHO YOU WANT JUST KEEP YOUR EX’S OUT OF IT. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE GOING TO DATE ONE OF HIS OLD FRIENDS CAUSE THATS AWKWARRRRRD.
I don’t know much about divorce but I’m quite certain unless kids are involved the ex doesn’t get any votes about your love life.
Welcome to New Zealand!
Go out with Mark. Avoiding going out with an ex’s friends is about not making things awkward but Mark and John are NC so it’s not an issue.
John is jealous. He’ll get over it (or not – not your problem).
More importantly, congrats on your promotion and have a wonderful time here. Would love to know where you’re from and where in NZ you’re going but totally understand re privacy if you don’t want to say.
I think an overwhelming amount of people on here think your ex is just being jealous and you don’t owe him the ability to dictate who you date.. I doubt he checked with you when he dated all those women after the divorce.. Saw a post awhile back where the husband wanted an open relationship and everything was working out great until SHE started meeting ppl, then he did a whole 180 and was jealous.. this reminds me of that.. Give it a chance, you only live once
From ex’s point of view, you haven’t dated since the divorce but when you do it was with the one guy he was threatened by during college.
You haven’t done anything wrong and ex has to manage his own feelings.
F your ex, he has no say in who you date. Old roommate or not. Yall are divorced. If he wanted a say in your love life he should have stayed in it.
Go for it with Mark and don’t look back.
A lot of people are suggesting you give Mark a shot because you don’t owe your ex-husband anything.
I think you’re looking in the wrong place for advice. Plenty of people maintain cordial relationships with their ex partners. Plenty of people don’t. This has clearly touched a nerve with him and the only person who gets a credible say in what you should do from here is you. If you give Mark a shot, your ex is going to be problem until you deal with it or go no-contact. You can avoid the issue by not giving Mark a shot, but you might end up regretting it and blaming your ex for making you feel guilty about it. There’s no right anwser here, and all you’re gonna get from people here is them projecting their biases.
I will say I’m convinced this roommate isn’t as stand up a guy as you think he might be though. Call it a hunch. I’m not even convinced he didn’t know you were divorced, if I’m being honest.
Not that it’s relevant but this story is so unbelievable lol you randomly bumped into an old acquaintance while you were vacationing in NZ and hit it off so well that he asked to date and you said no. But then you went back home and you suddenly get a promotion that just so happens to require to you relocate to the country you just happened to go on vacation to and had a fling in? The stars really lining up for you apparently.
In any case, you don’t owe your ex anything. His jealously is understandable but he made a fool of himself really.
I mean honestly John has no say but imagine if he started dating your college roommate and was unintentionally giddy about it with you. I have to imagine you would feel awkward about it. I think it just comes down to not discussing these things with an ex. There is a difference between someone randomly new and a friend. There are all kinds of weird dynamics at play in a situation like that.
You’ve learnt from your mistake – don’t stay in touch with exes and/or keep your dating life private from one another.
Whatever your ex says, who cares though? You deserve to be happy and if that means you date Mark so be it.
The ex is your past. You owe him the dirt beneath your shoe. Block him and draw the line that you don’t talk about each other’s private lives.
Congrats on your promotion and hope you enjoy New Zealand. It’s a gorgeous country. Date Mark if you want but keep your social media updates with him in the photos to a minimum unless you’re ready to handle mutual friends smirking over the fact they know Mark is friends with your ex and now you’re hanging out with him etc.
Honey, it’s been years since you divorced. John has absolutely 0 input into who you speak to, go out with, sleep with, move in with. He can just stay sad in the same pants he got mad in.
Mark didn’t even know you were divorced from John so it’s obvious that they aren’t still in touch. This is here and now. You only have one life. Why are you considering wasting time because someone who doesn’t want you, wants to have control over who does? If you and Mark have feelings for you and want to explore those feelings, go for it.
Best wishes with your new job, and new relationship.
Your nuts for not going ahead and dating Mark, your divorced, I’d advise you not to share personal life with your ex, he has no business knowing who u r seeing or really anything you r doing.
Your ex is your ex. Its time to go cut contact and continue moving on with your life. So what if Mark had a crush on you back in college? Your conscience is clear and now you are single and free to pursue a romantic relationship with Mark. Mark also clearly never overstepped boundaries when you were in a relationship since you had no idea he crushed on you before – so his conscience should be clear as well. Your ex needs to move on and realize he has no right to police your dating life.
Ex seemed just a little bit like he was jealous that you moved on. That’s the only reason I can imagine that he would care this much for someone he’s clearly not close to. You’re in the right here.
>And that I betrayed him.
You are divorced. Move on with your life and date who you want. John does not need to be part of your future.
You go to new Zealand and just happen to bump into ex husband’s friend?
No advice but just want to say I’m surprised people will travel halfway across the globe and just “coincidentally” run into an old acquaintance of (my guess is) at least 10 years? What are the odds, am I right?
This reads like an upcoming Hallmark Christmas movie. Thank you and I’ll see myself out.