My younger brother (20m) myself (23f) and both of our parents (61f and 80m) live together right now. My brother has had a weed problem for a while now but a few months ago it started to get way worse in that he would steal money and items from us and take things we had hidden in our rooms to fund his smoking. Because of this we assumed he was on more than just weed because smoking isn’t really an expensive hobby and it was really outrageous that he would be stealing. My parents had an intervention and the stealing stopped for the most part but my mom always wanted to keep an eye on him and would periodically go through his things when he (rarely) left his room just to make sure she didn’t find any hard drugs.
So last night my brother went out to grab pizza and my mom took the opportunity to search. She started panicking and asked me to come to his room and asked me what she was looking at (she’s never smoked or experimented with anything) but I reassured her it was just a bowl, smelled like weed, it was fine. She then went through asking me what things were, then pulled a wrinkled shirt out and under it was my lingerie.
I immediately knew it was mine because in college I had bought a ton of lingerie for myself and a partner but never used all of it so a lot of it was still in the boxes it came in (like it had a picture of what it was on the front) it was definitely one that I had bought and never used (hence the box) so both the box and the lingerie, outside of the box, was hiding under his shirt.
I told my mom that was mine because I had recognized it immediately and she looked at me and we ran to my room to talk before he came home. She got really flustered and wondered if he’s gay and trying to wear it to which I said that’s I genuinely think he’s the straightest man I know and that it really upsets me he would have an item of mine.
I would also like to note that the lingerie had absolutely no way of being misplaced as I bought it in college and haven’t used any since, but that it’s always been in my underwear drawer where someone would (naturally) also hide very personal pleasure items. Meaning he had to go into my stuff to get it and if he did, he also saw my personal items.
Anyway, she was clearly very flustered and put in a tight spot and basically said that she should have not asked me to go through his stuff with her because I shouldn’t know he had something like that. I told her I would love to know if any man, particularly my brother, was going through my underwear drawer. She said her responsibility is to protect me from his mental illness and I said she’s doing more of a job protecting him right now. She got very upset and I could tell that she just didn’t know what to do or say. She said not to tell my dad that he would throw a fit (and while I would like to tell him I also totally believe he wouldn’t do anything useful to help and would just get angry and yell)
I told her I needed to take a walk and left for an hour, came back and went straight to my room and just prayed and went to sleep with my door locked. No one said anything to me.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel or proceed. My brother is developmentally delayed and thinks more like a 16 year old than a 20 year old and has been diagnosed with a whole slew of things like autism, depression and anxiety. I don’t know whether or not I can be mad at him if he had a hard time understanding what is appropriate or not, however, I do not feel comfortable living with him anymore but can’t afford to move out as I just graduated college a couple months ago and was saving to go back to school. I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to put my mom through more shit with him because she already struggles so much with him and all his issues. I also don’t know if I’m overreacting because like my mom said, we don’t really know what he’s doing with it, but also, I don’t know if that matters.
Tl;dr my mom asked me to go through his things to make sure he wasn’t on hard drugs as we’ve been suspicious of him, went through his drawer and found my lingerie. Not sure how to proceed.
EDIT//UPDATE: My mom and I went through the comments. Thank you all so much for the comments, they’ve been super insightful and helpful. Writing this post initially I was really freaked out and worried he was sexualizing me but the comments definitely made clear this is more about him than it is about me, even if it was my things that he took. I did get a lock installed which is great and helps me feel more secure.
Also, to those who were worried about our household being accepting of him and whatever is going on, your worry is genuinely appreciated and we’re a family absolutely open to him being who he truly is. Him (potentially since we don’t really know) being transgender wasn’t the problem so much as that he had *my* underwear.
Thanks!!
31 comments
Your parents would probably prefer to have your brother at home in order to supervise and hopefully change his behavior. I doubt they have the influence, but they will try. I doubt you can convince them to kick him out, because if he hurt others and himself more, they will blame themselves.
You need a lock on all your stuff and make a plan for moving out. If your parents cannot guarantee your safety at home, at least they could contribute to you moving out if they want to keep your brother at home. Protecting you needs to be priority.
Do not engage your brother. Make plans to keep distance between you as much as possible and avoid engaging him if you can. Nothing good will come out of it.
Mind also that your lingerie in his drawer is a sign of him potentially fantasizing of you sexually, so keep that in mind also, among other things.
Weed is expensive the more you smoke. Weed tolerance shoots up very quickly.
If you absolutely cannot move out, a lock on your door is a must (one that uses a real key, not one of those crappy indoor locks that can be picked easily). You can get one for about $30. I would also be locking anything easily sold (jewelry, electronics etc). You can get a nice, small safe for around $60 or so. Bolt it to your floor if possible.
With his mental illnesses, you’re not going to change his behaviors so your real steps here are to protect yourself and your belongings.
If you can’t move out, there are a couple things you can do.
Get a key lock for your door. Also put a camera in your room.
Does your brother have a support person, counselor, day program, anyone who can talk to him and find out exactly what his motivation is?
Sexual orientation and gender identity are completely different.
Gay men don’t typically steal and wear women’s lingerie.
Cross dressing isn’t a mental illness.
You can be mad at him even while realising there may be extenuating circumstances that explain his behaviour. He violated your things, room, private space, etc.
But don’t let mum sweep it under the rug. I’m kind of hoping that to him, as it was still in the box, it was something he could use to get off on about whatever crush rather than it being anything more cynical.
But he still needs to understand that going through your things is unacceptable
With him being developmentally delayed, stealing the lingerie could be sinister and sexually motivated, or just incredibly sad and pathetic (like maybe he planned to pawn it for more drugs). Doesn’t matter, he should never have been in there…
I’m really sorry your brother is unwell and that you’ve all had to suffer because of it. If your parents can’t help you move they should at least invest in some security, for you specifically.
If he is a mentally challenged person, maybe having any kind of lingerie is just a ‘tangible’ thing that represents ‘IRL’ sexual activities. If so, the fact that it is *yours* probably isn’t at all in the equation. Also, if they were still in the box/never worn, is an other example of why it wouldn’t be of any deviant incestuous thoughts.. Getting them from your drawers would be easier than stealing them in a store..
I’m not at all trying to dim the fact that it is intrusive, your reaction and questionning is totally legitimate OP
The fact that they’re unopened and boxed… giving him the benefit of the doubt here, maybe he was going to give them as a gift for a girl? Himself? Sell them?
Please don’t write off what he did based on believing that he is mentally challenged. Even mentally challenged people can know right from wrong, and stealing is wrong. He shouldn’t get a pass on this.
If it was still in the box maybe he was thinking of selling it since that seems to be a frequent issue?
Regardless of his disability he needs to be taught not to steal. It’s better he learns it from his family and not the cops.
trans woman about to hatch from her egg. Put your cis privilege at the door and allow this trans woman to explore her new identity.
trans women are women.
He knew it was inappropriate or he wouldn’t have hidden it.
I can’t believe the comments here. Your brother is most likely just curious about the lingerie. He’s starting to have an interest in girls and it’s something feminine. It’s that simple. He’s young. As you say more like a 16 year old. Nothing to stress about here at all just a boy being a boy.
He sounds like he is rebelling from the deeply controlling and restrictive religious environment he’s stuck in. He’s 20 years old and your mother is violating his privacy and snooping in his space. From the sounds of it, she does this regularly and that’s absolutely not okay. Is what he’s doing mildly inappropriate? Yes. But reading this I just feel bad for him.
Genuinely, would any of you react maturely if he did have a desire to cross dress? There’s literally nothing harmful about it.
Some possibilities;
It’s new, unworn and he thought about selling it or giving it as a gift.
He’s wearing it. Yes there are straight guys who cross dress for pleasure.
He gets off to the thought of someone wearing it. Could be you, doesn’t have to be.
But ultimately no matter why he took it he needs to keep out if your stuff. It’s a pity but yes you probably do need a better lock on your door.
People are freaking out. I don’t think this guy wants to fuck his sister. It sounds like the underwear he stole from her was unused, and it would have been way more perverted or even low-key to steal a used pair.
He’s probably experimenting with his sexuality, either by wearing them or jerking off to them (but not necessarily thinking of his sister). A lot of men have panty fetishes and it’s easier to steal from a siblings dresser drawer than stealing from a Victoria’s Secret. He probably would have stolen his mom’s if she didn’t wear granny panties lol.
He’s either wearing it cuz he’s curious (straight dudes do that) or he’s wearing / using it to pleasure himself. If it’s the second one I really hope it’s just a fantasy thing and he’s not perving on you specifically! Keep that door LOCKED
For your safety and mental health you might want to re-examine your priorities and consider postponing going back to school and use your money to move out instead.
Is there any chance it could be a laundry mix up? That may be reaching but things can get in machines by accident an mixed in with others.
If that is a total impossibility than you need to have a discussing with him.
Is there a possiblity he might be trans? Or likes to crossdress? Either way don’t judge him harshly. He shouldn’t have taken something you own without your permission. Calmly talk to him about it. Let him tell you. Then make a desicion together about what to do.
It would be hilarious if he just has similar taste as you and bought the same thing, with yours still being tucked away in your drawer.
In terms of him wearing it it might be because he has the urge to and doesn’t necessarily mean he’s gay, just a lil. Wierd, it’ll stop if he gets more friend Interaction
I think you need to talk to him.
I’d maybe say “hey, you might get upset but I need to tell you something. Can you listen and try to stay calm?”
If he says yes, agrees, say something like this:
“mom was going through your stuff. I know it’s an invasion of your privacy but she thinks you are doing hard drugs and that’s why you were stealing things. She had me smell your weed pipe, and I told her what it was. But then I noticed my lingerie.”
And really look at him when you say that to see if you can read his reaction at all. If he’s developmentally delayed you may not.
Then I’d ask the question. “Why do you have my lingerie?”
And see how he answers.
Granted he may freak out on you, but I think communication is key. You have to ask even if you don’t get any answers. It’s about the opportunity.
I’d also ask if he has anything else that belongs to you.
When I saw my lingerie I would’ve looked all over his place to see what else he might’ve took of mine. Something to keep in mind.
After you’ve had this talk I’d recommend a good key lock installed like others mentioned. It’s pretty easy to do. Maybe your dad can help and you can tell him when you move out you’ll swap it back out but after your brother stole things in the past you just aren’t as comfortable now.
Like other mentioned too, his reason for having it could vary widely. I probably wouldn’t worry too much about it unless he tells you it was for something disturbing. Then I think you’d have to decide if you want stay there even with a better lock on your door.
OMG he’s a crossdresser! It’s harmless. Tell him to go buy his own panties and stay out of his shit.
Maybe he has sister complex? And is actually crushing on you?
Definitely lock your door. It’s not too difficult to install a keyed knob yourself if you want to have peace of mind.
Your parents should draw a hard line about stealing your things being unacceptable, and being very clear that stealing underwear is socially unacceptable and creepy.
Something you should be aware of is that autistic people are three times more likely than the general population to be trans, and five times more likely to suffer psychosis. The latter is still a very small number, but worth being aware of especially because drug use can trigger psychosis.
If he is trans, that might explain stealing your lingerie, but that doesn’t make it right. He must have his own money if he is able to afford pot, so he can use his own money to buy clothes or lingerie, if that interests him.
if the lingerie is clean then well its not that bad you only have a wearer
but if its dirty then you have a sniffer
Well maybe he knows there will be snooping so he did it as like an FU if you found it. Maybe he figured that it would teach you not to snoop. Also he probably thought it would be funny if he was high when he did it