How do I stop caring what my parents think?

10 comments

1. If you’re financially dependent on them and stuck in their home, then some of those things might cause daily fights that would suck you down and drain your energy.

   Start with therapy (eg BetterHelp online) so you can begin building that foundation for independence. Work on getting that job and getting out quickly. Take good care of you.

2. It’s very normal for kids (even as adults) to want their parents’ approval. And if you have judgmental parents, that’s even more true.

   Something that helps me is to remember that, in the near future, our parents actually will need us more than we need them. They’re growing older & frailer and will need their kids to be there, which means we actually have more bargaining power in the relationship. I’m not saying you should say these things to them, but if you keep these thoughts in your head, your parents will seem a lot less scary.

   Also, I suggest you read the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” It will explain why your parents are the way they are and how to have a relationship with them.

3. FWIW I’d also really have a hard time with the “infantilization” I’d experience if I tried to live with my parents as an adult. If you are dependent on them – you have no choice but to accept it, and it starts to erode your pride/respect in yourself over time.

   At the end of the day it’s IMO a self-respect thing. And you need to be able to show yourself that you deserve respect (from yourself) with how competently you take care of yourself.

   When you do move out – show yourself that you are 100% capable of taking care of yourself. Make good decisions – take good care of your health and your finances. Choose good friends/partners. Be a good person to others.

   If you can be proud of yourself, your choices, and your accomplishments – then you will hold yourself, and your own thoughts in high regard.

   Then – you’ll still be able to both respect your parents’ right to their own opinions – and yet have full self confidence as you make your own choices.

4. What I’ve tried to convey to my own kids is that we’re all products of our time. My dad was generally a great guy, but had some quirks that seem really out of place now. Your parents are products of their time, and what they think is best for you might have been, years ago.

   But now it’s a new time, new experiences, new social expectations, and a lot of young people are more mature than their age might suggest. So, through the lens of now, what do you want? Is keeping peace with your parents worth waiting for 5 months before making changes? Neither is right nor wrong. The question is what you want to have happen, and what sacrifices or adjustments you’re willing to make to have that. My favorite author says “Are you able to fund your choices?” and I think that sums it up really well.

   Speaking from a parent’s perspective, I never wanted my kids to have to hide who they are or what they do. The last thing I wanted was to get a call in the night that something awful had happened due to something I didn’t even know was a thing. I also wanted to be able to plan ahead – I have a plan for what to do if my system admin son bricks his computer, as just one example. That wouldn’t be possible if I kept riding herd on them and trying to make them be exactly what I thought they should be.

   I’m sure you will do what is best for your situation, or at least, the best choice out of the possible choices. I’d be interested in hearing how things go.

5. I think distance helps a lot. I’m a late teen but going to college for just a year has allowed me to feel comfortable talking about different topics with my parents. For example, one night my mom texted and I straight up told her I was at a party. Luckily she wasn’t rattled. Not seeing their physical nuanced reactions helps a lot

6. look up parent boundaries on tiktok!!! tons of helpful videos and phrases to help yourself a) take a load off from carrying their opinions and b) tools to gently assert your independence and get them to adjusted to differentiating from them!!

7. I’m going through the exact same thing. I’m looking to move out in a few months and I’m 27. Finally taking that big step after so many years can be scary, but we need to keep going to build our futures. Fear and anxiety is a big hurdle we have to beat.

8. It took me longer than I care to admit to not care so much what my parents thought. For me though, as I came more into my own, and figured out who I was and what I believed, I found that I respected their opinions on so many issues less and less. The more I felt they were fundamentally wrong about things, the less I cared how they felt about my life specifically.

   I love my parents but they are very judgmental people who think their way is the *only* correct way to live your life. And that argument falls apart so quickly in practice that if they are unable to respect the way 99% of people live their lives, why would I even care what they think about my choices.

9. TLDR but basically think of them as humans who created something better, you, of course they love you & want the best for you but ultimately because how they raised you, you’re going to elevate past them, past their mistakes, traumas, etc. and be who you’re supposed to be, with your own elevated opinions, judgement, critical thinking, etc. Not to diminish their experience though, they still have lessons to teach as well as lessons to learn, you both do.

10. Man, there are things that you will naturally disappoint your parents in some level and it’s normal, you are not a copy of them.

    But, you may take this decision by thinking about how much do your parents care about that vs. how much do you want to do that.