I went to a party with a group of about ten of my partners friends. I don’t know these people and have met only two of them a handful of times. I don’t speak to them or hang out with them, not for lack of trying, I always just seem to be excluded from explicit invitation.
This time they explicitly invited me. I was only able to show up for a short time- enough to play a quick card game while my partner stayed for the duration. They knew I wouldn’t be able to stay long because of other obligations. I have very severe social anxiety and I’m on the spectrum so when I’m in larger groups, I tend to be very quiet and reserved until I warm up a bit to the situation. It worked in my favor as I played the game because I was able to play some fun cards without them expecting it. Score one for having a natural poker face!
After a good play, one of the guys told me “You know you’re allowed to laugh, have some fun. Just lighten up a little.” A few others laughed and joined in telling me I can smile and have fun and talk like the rest of them. I immediately felt embarrassed, and called out. It was uncomfortable and in the moment I felt like I was being laughed at rather than having an olive branch extended to me. I WAS having fun, I was just being quiet.
I immediately felt panicky and teared up. I told my partner I was uncomfortable and would be leaving soon. I can’t help that I get quiet in groups or that I have a pretty blank expression most of the time, and it felt like I was being told in the moment to change something I can’t really help. We ended the game after another 30 minutes of play, I said thank you for the invitation, and left.
I immediately broke down in my car just crying from embarrassment. I went home and waited for my partner to come home, and told them I wouldn’t be going to anymore events with them. I was visibly upset, I explained what happened, and they told me I was being “freaking weird” there and that that’s just how they are. That their friends were trying to include me by giving me shit and ribbing me.
That hurt me so badly I just started crying again and asking why they couldn’t just hear me out and see that I was upset rather than immediately jumping to the defense of their friends.
My perspective is that even though they don’t know explicitly that I have “issues”, they shouldn’t jump to trying to rib someone they don’t know or ask them to change their behavior on a first encounter. It’s rude and it just makes me feel like I can’t just exist without someone making comments. My partner thinks I’ve blown it completely out of proportion and that I need to accept that they were trying to be friendly.
TLDR: I went to a party with my partners friends, who I don’t know, and they “gave me shit” about being quiet. I’m upset about it and my partner thinks I was the one being weird and rude, and that I’m overreacting. Am I overreacting by saying I won’t be attending events with them anymore?
Edit to add: To be clear, asking someone on the spectrum to just rustle up some social skills to function in a society that doesn’t make space for them is like asking someone with a walker or wheelchair to just keep trying to walk- you know read some books, go to physiotherapy, get up and try! It’s a social communication disorder that has been proven to be a fundamental difference in brain function, and it’s not something that people like myself can just change. Many of us, myself included, manage to learn enough to get by or use tools and strategies to mesh better by allistic standards, but at its base it cannot be fixed. I feel like these comments come from a good place, but it’s not really realistic. Thanks.
42 comments
When you are bad at social situations it will be noticed. Your discomfort was easily observable.They weren’t calling you out. They were trying to extend an olive branch by engaging you with jokes and playful teasing. Those were acts of inclusion not exclusion. Your ND nature makes it difficult to understand social queues which is why your BF was trying to explain the situation. You weren’t being mocked, they were playfully trying to include you in the conversation.
If that was what they said I wouldn’t have even called it ribbing, the wording you shared sounded like encouragement. I know tone and situation can make a large difference though.
It would have been best if he let them know that you are a quiet type of person and to not comment on it.
>Am I overreacting by saying I won’t be attending events with them anymore?
Completely. Such an overreaction that I think you need therapy to work on this. That was so minor compared to what I would describe as actual ribbing or actually giving you shit. I wouldn’t be surprised if your partner ended the relationship if you refuse to spend time with his friends after that.
You were the one being weird and rude. People want to get to know other people and have a good time at parties. If party’s aren’t your thing that’s cool. I’m a stoic person and get that a lot, but I still make myself interact with people because that’s the whole point of a party. They’re trying to prod you out of your shell. Stepping out of your shell is a good thing. Yes you’re overreacting.
Social anxiety sucks, I’ve been there. The solution is not hiding away and not attending events.
You go, you try, you push yourself a little, you reward yourself for trying.
It’s not something “you can’t change” like you said, it is something that can be changed and not just so people accept you more, but also for your own enjoyment.
And as social creatures, people will find it off-putting if someone isn’t using the same social cues. Smiling at appropriate times is hugely important, at greetings and goodbyes, etc.
idk if your therapist is working with you to come up with concrete strategies to perform better socially, but that’s something you CAN work on
I feel your pain and I also empathize with your boyfriend. I feel kind of like this is a no one is right situation. The friends could have been encouraging you but we don’t know these friends so perhaps the way they come off is rude? My ex has family that are like this, very car salesmen, even patronizing at times with the way they speak to me. Were his friends like this? Are they just immature? Do they tease him in a similar manner? These are all important things to consider. It sucks that you were brought to tears and I’m really sorry that happened. I feel like you were too sensitive but that they may have been too pushy with the teasing. It’s okay to be not completely right in all situations. It’s OKAY for you to say you were perhaps triggered and reacted. I feel for you, please don’t take my post as being mean. I just don’t want you to throw out the possibility of interactions, adventures and friendships with these people due to one lousy time. If they care for your dude they’ll be more gentle and I think you should all give it another shot. Besides, now you know what to expect and you’ll be better prepared.
So, yes, you are overreacting. The friends were trying to be friendly and normal; they didn’t know about your mental health issues. They could have backed off a bit, yes, but it was the common extrovert/introvert disconnect, rather than actual rudeness (don’t get me wrong, I HATE this, being an introvert, but it’s not them being rude, or trying to be rude)
However, this is partially on your partner/you guys for making the first time you meet new people be at a relatively large event. You both know about your social anxiety, and that’s a very bad environment to drop you into.
Refusing to ever see his friends again is just absurd and not feasible if you want to keep this relationship. Just ask if your partner can set up smaller meetings, like 4 of you total, to ease you into it.
That wasn’t rude and your reaction was freaking weird. This is a bit of a dramatic and extreme reaction to the most banal of comments. The fact that you’re saying you’ll never spend time with them again is frankly baffling.
Try not to take things so personally and assume malicious intent.
I think they were trying to put you at ease and that they wanted you to feel comfortable, not knowing that you have bad social anxiety. It’s important to be able to go into a setting with your head held high and smile and be active in relationships and it seems like you weren’t feeling ready. I bet you could have a really good time with these people! Just have to work through your own issues. It isn’t their fault that you were uncomfortable unless they were being mean, but it seems they just wanted you to try and relax as they might of felt the anxiety radiate from you. Go to another card game and get to know them. Talk to your therapist about how you felt and and try get to a solution where you can be engaged and happy in a social setting. Xx
When you have a hard time reading tone, especially if it’s coming from someone you don’t know well, then a comment that is intended to be encouraging and lighthearted can sound needling, overfamiliar, and mean. I don’t blame you for your reaction, you were just hanging out and vibing and you felt like you were “called out”, like you were somehow hanging out “wrong”.
But from the friend’s perspective, they seem to have felt that they were doing something to make you feel oppressed in some way, like they weren’t being friendly enough and that was holding you back from being louder and less formal.
In this situation, no one was really in the wrong, you and your partner’s friends just aren’t at an understanding with each other yet. They thought they were trying to help you open up, make you more comfortable, without realizing that you already were very comfortable.
That said, you misread them just as much as they misread you. I understand feeling targeted in the moment and how embarrassing that was, but you should take your partner at his word that they were trying to be friendly even if it didn’t come off that way. Try and read them in the best faith possible; they just don’t understand you yet.
What I think needs to happen here is that you need to have a talk with your partner when you’re both calm so you can both see each other’s sides more clearly. Start the conversation by saying that you’re not accusing their friend’s, you just want them to see and accept your side. And you should be ready to see and accept their side as well.
And after that your partner needs to have a talk with their friends, explain that you’re just naturally a more quiet and reserved person, that being quiet and a bit stonefaced doesn’t mean that you’re uncomfortable or that you dislike them, it’s just your way of being you. And hopefully this type of misunderstanding can be avoided in the future
As someone who is naturally introverted and a bit quiet/ shy, especially around new groups of people, I feel your pain. It annoys me when someone says something along the lines of “why are you so quiet?” But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned how to come up with different comebacks to those comments.
I think you did overreact. It sounds like these guys were trying to include you, though maybe they went about it the wrong way. Rather than get up and abruptly leave, you could have played off their comments by saying something about focusing on your hand. Your partner is also in the wrong too for not giving his friend’s a heads up about you being more withdrawn when you’re meeting new people.
By reading some of the comments here I think not many people have experience of what it means to have social anxiety.
I have a mild form of social anxiety that I’ve been working on for years, just recently have I learned to look and behave “normally” in social situations, and even though for many people this comes naturally, and I get that, I am surprised by the lack of ability to put oneself in another’s shoes and try to understand a situation from a different point of view.
I get how you felt, it happened to me too, and it took me years to realize that in general people who say the things your partner’s friend said to you mean no harm. They are trying to “ease the tension” that they perceive, even if you are perfectly comfortable being quiet, because for them and their ways of communication silence=tension/discomfort.
No harm was meant in their comments, but your first reaction is not your fault either. However, once you calm down, that’s the moment where you can have more control over your anxiety and I advise against choosing not to meet them again.
By spending more time with them, in situations that make you feel uncomfortable at times, you could learn better how to overcome this sense of judgement that you felt, and learn how to better express yourself.
This was just a miscommunication: their “language” is different than yours, what to them is a way to ease the tension and include you, for you was a trigger, and what for you was being comfortable, for them was a sign of closeness and discomfort.
You could choose not to see them again, but you will have to deal with people your whole life, and spending time with people (despite being really hard at times) is the best way to close the gap and learn to find a way to communicate such that both parts feel comfortable.
In that spirit, however, if this happens again I think it could be helpful to let the people you want to spend time with know that this is your personality, it will make communication easier.
I’m sorry you felt that way, and I’m saying this as I would say it to a friend: don’t block people out, they can help in many ways to overcome your anxieties, and from this specific story I would think that they just really want to know you more.
I would give it another shot because clearly all of you aren’t used to each other and there’s going to be bumps in the road. If you feel *that* bad again next time, then obviously you’re just not going to be able to read each other. None of us were there so we don’t know the tone, but the actual words don’t sound that bad. Just one more chance to see how it goes, maybe with some prep from your bf to let them know you’re sensitive.
OP be like: “Reddit was extremely rude and I’m never posting there again”
Nah but jokes aside social anxiety sucks. You did over react, but it’s not the end of the world. Try and come to terms with the facts that it’s your condition that skews your perception like that and not a moral failing. You can get better at it with more exposure and probs therapy.
Sorry to hear you had a bad night!
I just wonder how do you usually avoid Situations like that? Usually any Social interaction with Friends, School, Siblings, work etc. will have 100 times tougher Social interactions at times even bullieng in the course of a Life Span. You have to toughen up, laugh easier and learn that Social Stuff.
I don’t think your Situation is anything to cry in your car about and i don’t think his Friends had the Intention to be mean.
My husband and most of my family are autistic so this is a situation I have been in a few times with miscommunication of tone/teasing. My husband doesn’t like to be teased but with my family that’s how you show you’re one of the group and we enjoy teasing each other.
You are completely justified in feeling this way, your boyfriend should have comforted you in a time when you felt upset. But he’s human and would be frustrated with the extremity of saying you would never go out with them again.
I do think his friends were trying to include you, the majority of the population don’t understand social anxiety or autism. it’s fair that you don’t want to out yourself but then the alternative is people don’t understand how you work and will just treat you like an allistic person and interpret your behaviour to be aloof and rude.
And then comes the age old debate… do autistics need to learn allistic behaviour OR do we need to teach allistic people to accept autistic behaviour? This usually requires being open with your neurotype and is probably equally as hard.
Wow. These comments are awful. If you don’t understand autism and social anxiety, maybe you should refrain from commenting?
OP, I don’t think anyone was necessarily wrong in this situation. While I do think you got overwhelmed and had a bit of a meltdown. I’m sorry that happened. I will say that you and your partner need to have a conversation. Maybe he can arrange a meet up with his friends in smaller groups? No more than 3 or 4 at a time so you can get a better feel of their personalities. Or perhaps he can give you a little heads up about who may be in attendance at an event to give you time to prep mentally.
If your partner isn’t willing to work with you and meet you halfway, knowing you have these conditions, I would reconsider the relationship as a whole.
PS….for the commenters saying being quiet at a party is rude, are kind of odd 😂. What? Unless you’re hosting which involves a little more socializing, you aren’t expected to go around a whole party talking to people. Especially if you don’t know them. Tell us you don’t watch true crime, without telling us that you won’t watch true crime.
Hey, I’m on the spectrum as well, so please take my advice as someone who has Been There. I think this is a result of a misunderstanding between folks like us who function socially a bit differently and folks who function on a more standard scale (I don’t like the terms ND and NT). From their perspective, they were trying to be inclusive and alleviate anxiety. It doesn’t mean that’s what they did, just that was their intention (to me, this makes it a little easier to forgive).
I think the first thing to do is to sit down with your partner and talk to him. Explain that you have social anxiety issues and you’re on the spectrum, and that this makes certain situations more difficult for you. Try to meet up with his friends in smaller group situations – maybe just one or two other people instead of a crowd. If everyone’s compassionate and considerate, this could work out. If they’re not, fuck ’em, you can find some people who are.
The way I see it, they said that after you won a game. Some people are toxic like this. After expecting you to lose, you instead won. You won because of your poker face and skills. So in order to disarm you, these guys started harping on you. They didn’t want you to take that win, so they went cruel.
It’s like when you try to make a point that’s important to you, but the other person says “don’t get emotional” or “calm down” in order to make you feel irrational. Some people do that to make you question yourself instead of making a counter point or to just silence you.
Those smile more or laugh more comments are just to get a rise out of you to control your emotions.
I don’t understand why some people think we owe them a smile.
My immediate response would be to be kind of an asshole: “I’ll laugh once someone says something funny.” Maybe wouldn’t have worked here but I HATE the feeling of being singled out so I like to try my best to turn things on their head. I’m sorry you were hurt by this. It’s a sucky feeling.
Real genuine people won’t ask or pressure you into behaving a certain way.
I relate to the spectrum and all i do in social situations is mirror what others do until i feel comfortable actually behaving authentically.
(A group i’ve spent a few years away from, had a big change of members, i came back recently and had to spend 2/3 months adjusting to the dynamics of it all.)
Fake it til you make it.
Have a discussion with your partner, i’d be making an attempt at adjusting how others behave towards my *awkward* partner.
Even by just being in earshot, after being told by a stranger how to ‘behave’, man i’d flip at a friend for saying something like that to a SO. Peer pressure is anti social.
Even if you weren’t on the spectrum…asking any shy or socially anxious person to just “become extroverted” is obviously ridiculous. Like they’re just gonna be like, “oh yeah good idea! Problem solved!” *smacks forehead*
Unfortunately people do stuff like that. They have no clue what it’s like to be shy or socially anxious and they think it’s like fun and friendly. Or they think it’s a choice. They’re super rude but I’ve definitely encountered that line of thinking/behavior a few times in life. Ignorant but common enough.
If you don’t want to hang out with them then don’t. Your partner should understand that they made things awkward af.
As a female with social anxiety as well, I totally get where you’re coming from. It sucks that people don’t understand how hard it is just to be around other people. That by me just showing up to an event in the first place, something that is very uncomfortable and hard to do, shows how much I care about a person or that I’m trying ect. I’m at war with my brain 24/7 and it is never nice or shuts up. It tells me all the things that I know people are thinking, plus all the negative thing’s that they’re not. To have someone call me out like they did op just make me feel like my brain was right and I should of just stayed at home. I take meds, I got helpful tricks to help deal but it isn’t ever going away and so I have to continue fighting a losing battle. Op I say you need to find someone who understands your disorder and will make you feel safe and protected. Who would stand up for you when others don’t get what you’re going through.
I have severe social anxiety and am on the spectrum as well, I know exactly what you were going through. Just keep trucking friend! You did fine.
Your partner sucks. He should be supporting you.
I went to a party with my then-boyfriend and a bunch of people I didn’t yet know. I don’t do well in large social groups, particularly loud ones (as the volume gets to a certain level and I just can’t hear what people are saying any more) but as the evening drew to a close I was feeling like I’d done really well. I’d talked to a bunch of strangers and thought I’d done a good job of appearing interested and engaged. There were plans made to all meet up another time. Then one of the girls I’d met turned to me and said “I hope you’re more chatty when you’re drunk.” I’m not exactly sure why but that comment cut me to the bone, and I still remember it like it was yesterday even though it was 25 years ago.
It sounds like they were trying to encourage you to join in. Differently abled people can still be friends, it just requires giving the other party the benefit of the doubt sometimes
I’m sorry but everyone being like “they were trying to help” without acknowledging how fucking rude that comment was is smoking something good and I want it. They *were* rude, OP. You’re not weird for thinking it and you certainly aren’t missing some social cue. Putting someone you think is shy on the spot and calling them out like that is going to have the opposite effect. Also, you’re not a child, you’re a grown woman and that comment comes off as very juvenile to me. That is NOT how you encourage someone to open up — you engage, not point out their faults and tell them to act differently.
They probably did want you to engage more and feel more comfortable, but they did not express that well no matter the intention– in fact their words did the opposite. But based off that situation alone, I would say that refusing to hang out with them *is* an overreaction. Unless pointing out differences in a negative light is something they do often.
Yes, your social anxiety makes you feel far more shame than another person, but that doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid here. And I think your boyfriend could be more understanding instead of automatically defending his friends, because it seems to me that he thinks intention trumps words/behaviour. But maybe his stance is stronger because you told him you won’t hang with them again.
I. feel. your. pain. It’s always so frustrating and hurtful because as adults, you’d think or hope they’d consider things like introversion, social anxiety, or even just nerves being in a fairly new environment with new people which is totally normal! As others have mentioned, your partner should have given them a heads up.
For these instances when I’m in a similar position, I try to play clever and joke/make a comeback. You mentioned the poker face and I actually think using that card would have been great – a comment like “It’s okay, you’ll master the poker face to win too one day” could have had them laugh. I hurt for you, because it seemed like it was actually something you did feel good and maybe even confident about until that moment was taken from you. Being in social situations is so tricky, and I’m sure it was a bit hard to control your emotions in that moment. I used to shut down after comments until I learned how to make a comeback. A few have mentioned some social cues and with practice and time, it does get a bit easier.
I’m also sorry in that your partner was not comforting to you afterwards. Better wording and communication could have been used, and it all could have been handled better.
As someone with severe social anxiety, I have two different techniques
1. ‘Get out of ur head’ – the more you think the worse it becomes. I often have an internal monologue and even if I don’t feel like doing whatever is the appropriate response, I often will mimic or chameleon myself in the situation. Are they making jokes? A small smile to indicate you heard them, eye contact not even necessary can help, start reciting everything i can see in the room, focus on what they are saying, anything to stop the thoughts. Its like the uncanny valley thing with robots, when you act in a way this isn’t deemed ‘normal’ or miss obvious social cues people will become uncomfortable. Now I would say “that’s their problem” in most cases, but unfortunately this will lead them to say something dumb or make the situation worse as they wont know what to do or say to remedy it.
2. ‘Appeal to their humanity’ – My ultimate weapon is deploying the: “Hi, sorry if I’m quiet, its not you guys, I’m just super shy, I hope that’s ok? … =) “. If anyone gives u shit for that they are aholes and u don’t wanna be around them. This gives context and will relax people and they will empathise with you. I know its hard but you cant expect people to read your mind of what you want, better to just give an inch than be forced to endure a mile, ykno?
Sorry if this is word vomit it makes sense when i squint which is good enough for me
I get where you’re coming from I have social anxiety and tend not to talk much on the first encounter and am just very akwàrd, read to much into situations (like with that type of joke) but his friends didn’t know they were trying to include you in a way they’re comfortable with and know how. Joking around may be the only way they know how to. Maybe it was a little rude especially with you having actual obstacles with socializing.
Now your partner should not of been so dismissive of your feelings. And what they said was just uncalled for.
Sounds like social anxiety, different social cues, and maybe a touch more understanding needed all around. I proscribe a “cup of tea” or other suitable beverage and a chat with your partner. FWIW I do presume the teasing was in good faith effort to get you to relax and note and interact with your presence.
They were trying to include you and you got anxiety, its not their fault or their job to tip toe around everyone who has anxiety especially when they dont know, just don’t overthink what they said, you went home and made a whole post about this when I bet they didnt give it another thought, try to remember that next time you feel embarassed, no one cares as much as u do tbh.
I don’t know on what spectrum you are but I assume Asperger’s?
Then I assume you don’t get social clues and can’t read in between the lines well.
The friends probably just wanted to meet you and get to know you. They want to know who their friend is with. They didn’t want to make you uncomfortable and played a card game as a conversation starter and probably joked around with each other like they do normally. They saw that you are quiet, thought you were tense and uncomfortable and invited you to laugh and have fun with them. They didn’t laugh at you, laughing is also used to lighten the atmosphere.
You could have said: “Oh, I am having fun, I am just shy.” If your partner knows you a bit he could have said sth like this. But he probably didn’t see this the way you did and didn’t find it embarrassing or nagging at all and therefore didn’t say anything.
For the next time you could only meet one of the friends at a time and don’t have it be so overwhelming.
And talk to your partner about how you felt and saw the situation without accusing the friends of being shitty, so he understands you better and can help you the next time.
And maybe you could practice playing cards with your partner, family or therapist? Like having phrases to say prepared? I think I did this with my therapist as a kid actually.
Also ND & have social anxiety. They sound like arseholes.
I’m sorry you went through that. I would have cried too, and I think I’d have the same reaction if not wanting to go out with the again.
Theres a difference being banter and being mean, and they were being mean.
I’ve been there. I used to freak out in social situations when I was younger and leave others feeling confused about my reactions.
(Once I went to the bathroom alone and sobbed in the corner for 50 % of the party… People were kinda worried.)
What has helped me deal with this:
– You need to find love for yourself. People are different for a good reason. If everyone was the same, the world would have been destroyed several thousands years ago.
So don’t see your different way of socializing as an obstacle but more as something that makes you unique and can provide you with benefits that others don’t have.
If someone makes a point of you acting in a different way, just explain your situation as calmly and confidently as you can. If you actually messed up something, you can try and make it up for others. And if you have done nothing wrong, you don’t have to feel threatened but instead see it as an educational moment for everyone.
– It’s important to understand that other people have their own “personal quirks” as well. Some people might be prone to talk before they think, and don’t necessarily understand how hurtful their comments can be (which could be the case here). So it’s important to clarify other person’s intentions before jumping into conclusions.
I highly doubt that people in their late 20s/early 30s would intentionally act like high school bullies anymore. And if they do, then it’s their own duty to grow up and understand how complex world it.
Nothing annoys me more when people tell me to smile . Why don’t I just kick you in the leg and say “you are allowed to laugh” smiling is a choice. A forced smile is the worst.
i mean… either you warn people or just dont go to these events. they are not mind readers, immature maybe …. sure.
Man… I totally get you. I met my partner’s friends and was super quiet. I laughed along at what they were saying and doing but couldn’t bring myself to socialise – none of them spoke to me directly and honestly it’s something I kinda need when meeting more than 1 person at a time, otherwise I just feel unable to talk. There was only 3 of them too. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed of myself for not making a better impression.
Your partner is an asshole. Do not stand for someone calling you “freaking weird” that is not a supportive or understanding person.
Is anyone going to comment on why these friends comments are fucking annoying anyway?? Social anxiety and autism aside, why is it that men think the are entitled to control the emotional output and interaction of people, especially women? WHY SHOULD SHE HAVE FUN THE Way YOU WANT HER TO? Why should she smile more and laugh out loud for your benefit? Shut the fuck up dude. I can’t STAND men who do this or people who do this in general. Piss off and grin like a chimp if you want and let other people express their joy the way they want to.
It’s much more upsetting to me that when you expressed your feelings to your partner they said you were being “freaking weird”…. What?
You were called out for showing autistic traits when you were trying to get out of your comfort zone and do something for your partner. That would be upsetting. Their friends need to understand that pointing out when ND people are being ND isn’t helpful and can feel super alienating or embarrassing. Try and explain that and see how they react, then judge your next move from their response. The ribbing to me sounds quite rude and critical, and not like friendly joking. Saying stuff like “lighten up” is inherently critical and not funny for the person being told it. It’s meant to be at their expense.
Talk to your partner, too, and explain why you reacted how you did. Being called weird in a negative way is so fkn damaging especially to ND people so they better be apologetic, if they aren’t, make a decision that’s going to protect yourself.