TL;Dr So my (24f) boyfriend (29M) and I have been dating about a year now. Last night we we’re looking up a celebrity on Instagram on his phone. I saw he looked up his ex girlfriend in the search bar. I said, “That’s your ex girlfriend isn’t it?” He said, “Oh yeah, I just saw she had a picture with her new boyfriend and clicked on her profile.” To which I told him …I know that’s the search bar, you looked her up. He then was like okay, I saw her picture with him and then looked up her profile. So I know he lied to try and ease my concern.
He used to date her for 4 months when he lived in a different state. He then saw my reaction and felt like he had to show me all his messages on Instagram.
I’m not sure if I should have even been upset. He was really worried I was mad, and I’m not sure if I should be. It’s not like he messaged her. Or was it emotional cheating? Does this mean he has lingering feelings? He said they were fun times in his life. He only broke up with her, because he moved away.
I’m not even sure how to react. This is my first long term relationship, so I’m not sure if it’s even a big deal to look up exes. Any advice would be appreciated, Reddit.
8 comments
I mean, people look up their exes occasionally on social media. Is it the greatest behavior? No, but it sure is easy to give into the impulse with these apps. Have you yourself never been curious about what so and so from your past was up to?
Unless you think he is talking to her or like, stalking her online, I would try to move past it. It sounds to me like he was embarrassed and lamely came up with a small lie to make it seem less embarrassing. You have course have every right to feel annoyed at the behavior, but I wouldn’t judge someone too harshly for this.
I think you are unsure how to react because there is nothing to react to. Your bf reacted defensively because some partners are psycho about shit like this but that isn’t normal. He checked in on his ex on social media. It’s absolutely no issue. Don’t fall down the slippery slope of policing what your partner looks at and thinks about. Nothing good comes from that. Let it go, it’s literally nothing.
He was curious. And yes he did “need” to then show you his inbox, because you were, and are, obviously upset.
And that was such a tiny lie, not even meant to deceive. One way or another he went to her profile to check on her. Does it truly matter whether he clicked on the pic vs using the search bar? And, why did he feel the need to make such a mild thing seem even milder? He knew youd react badly to him admitting that he deliberately looked up his ex. This says more about you than it does about him.
People get curious about how exes are doing. It doesn’t mean anything.
From the sounds of things, he was just curious. Curiosity is natural and something like looking up his ex is relatively easy to do with the prevalence of social media and people posting their lives online. He was no more interested in establishing a relationship than he would be in knowing the people involved in a yelling match in a store. You look because it’s easy to satisfy that curiosity and move on with your life.
What I would do is sit down and talk to him about lying to save hurt feelings. That you feel that communication in a relationship is important and you are more hurt by his attempt to lie to protect you than you are by his curiosity about what his ex is up to these days.
Not to minimize your situation but how you worded this is so sweet and honestly a green flag. The situation sounds like two people wanting to be honest with each other. I know it’s your first long-term relationship but it’s perfectly normal to ask the questions you are. And bf answered in a really healthy way. I don’t think there’s anything for you to worry about but it’s also ok to say “I trust you and I’m not upset but I feel a bit unsure and would love some reassurance. Could we maybe talk about some boundaries when it comes to past relationships?”
Just keep the vibe calm and open like you did with this post.
Don’t try to ease you, and you should be the one who are lucid enough to know your bf and his feelings to you.
But I’m in relationship now, I and my bf still good, but sometimes I still checked out my ex’s profile. But it doesn’t mean I still love him. Just curious and care for him as he was the one I loved.
Of course it could make you uncomfortable but the way he tried to hide it, it means he care for your feelings.
So try to communicate about that.
Hope it helps.
Looking up is no big deal.
While he lied to not hurt you, he lied. Here’s how I have explained this issue in my past:
“The wrong thing for the right reason is still wrong “
Explain you would rather a hurtful truth than a painless lie, because lies erode trust.
And I think you both handled it wonderfully.
Yo, pick your battles. I caught mine asking girls for nudes and he wouldn’t show me his messages so.