I posted here 3 months back ([tldr – wife was lying to me about her male colleague, possibly cheating on me](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/wbizu8/i_35m_think_my_wife_30f_is_cheating_on_me_i_know/)).
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Right after the night I posted that thread, she spent the next day apologizing. She admitted she was texting the guy, and that she lied because she suddenly felt cornered. I reminded her that I was in tears just begging her for the truth. She said there’s nothing between them. I said I can believe she doesn’t like him, but he seems to like her. She denied it.
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We didn’t really make up that day. At night, I couldn’t sleep. I went through her phone, she had given me permission to check it. She had obviously deleted all texts from this guy. But then I opened her texts to her female colleague in the same office. Scrolled back a few days – there was a voice note from her about our first fight over this guy. In it she mentions I got suspicious because “it is so obvious from his messages that he likes me” (paraphrasing), and how she freaked out that her marriage is over, but that I suddenly forgave everything. She also joked to her friend that she was confused because I forgot the incident so quickly. Listening to this broke my heart. She was saying all this to someone she had known for less than a year.
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In the morning, when she woke, I asked her again if she is texting him late at night knowing he likes her. She reassured me that it’s purely platonic. I confronted her about the voice note. She flipped out. I told her I’m moving out and informing my parents. This was the first time I’m telling my family about any sort of marital trouble, so she knows I’m serious. Incidentally, the two of us had a one-week trip planned to my parents’ place the following week. I cancel her ticket, and tell her I’m moving out as soon as I’m back from my parents’ place.
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Over the next few days, she swings between remorse (apologizing profusely) and accusation (that our marriage had other problems as well). Her mother calls, pleading not to end the marriage. I visit my parents. They are upset but feel she is genuinely sorry, and ask me to give it another chance. In the meantime, she finally admitted she knew he liked her, but maintained she does not like him. And promised to put up strict boundaries as her marriage is top priority.
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I flew back home. She picked me from the airport. We started over. She promised to share every piece of communication that is happening with him. She also said our marriage had other problems too – She wants us to go on dates, visit places, be passionate etc. I agreed to put in more effort. 2 days after I’m back – she showed me her recent chat with the guy, telling me about some work thing with him. But I noticed she has deleted all messages before that chat, and asked her why. She flipped out, saying she showed me the chat in good faith and I’m doubting her again. I tell her I’m not questioning the contents of the chat, but why she deleted the stuff before. She says it’s because she turned on disappearing messages. I knew it’s a lie she just made up and told her to show me the phone. She refused. I stormed off saying I’m moving out, this time for real. In turn, she sends my mother an 8-minute voice note, talking about how she is a career woman and has to talk to many men but I’m getting insecure. My mom calls me up, tells me to not poke the issue again and to move past it. I agreed.
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The next day, we went out on a date to her favorite restaurant. She is very happy. The following evening, coming back from work together, we decide to go on another impromptu date night. This is me trying to hold up my end of the bargain. During dinner, we have a few drinks, and she literally cries tears about how happy I make her. On the way back, while driving, i look over and she is texting him. But I still ask her. She mutters – “Fuck my life”. Then goes on a rant about how I ruined what was a perfect night for both of us. She starts telling me she was texting some other guy about something work-related. I know it’s a lie. We don’t talk much, we get home and she passes out almost immediately. Before she had a chance to delete his texts. Reading it killed me. She was texting him throughout our “perfect night”. At one point, he says “rec350 is with you. Texting is illegal, no?” And she replies “Just type, I’ll read later” She pesters him throughout to talk to her, but he is reluctant, telling her that they will talk face to face tomorrow. At one point she tells him “I hate you”. The conversation ends with her telling him to come on Instagram Vanish.
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I don’t confront her about any of this. I tell my parents. I finalize a house to move to. For 4 days, I keep asking her pointed questions about our date night, hoping she will come clean. After 4 days, I finally tell her I know exactly what happened that night. She breaks down crying, says she can’t remember most of it. I tell her I have to move out now. The next one week she alternates between begging me to stay and guilting me for “abandoning” her. But I ended up moving out.
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I have been living in my own place for almost 2 months now. We communicate over text. On some days she shows remorse – admits she acted like a shit person, talks about identifying her need for constant validation, working with her therapist to fix this etc. On other days, she fights with me, says our marriage had other problems long before this guy, that I refuse to admit my own faults and think I’m perfect, that I don’t even care enough to meet the pets, that I was looking for a way out etc. Once she literally said I must be “living in denial if you think our marriage broke up over him”. She keeps saying how humiliating it is for her to have her husband walk out, and how I so cruelly abandoned the pets.
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I moved out with the hope that she can figure out what she wants, and so can I. And maybe reconcile. But I can’t help feeling she is being extremely selfish, making it about her feelings. This feels like a slap in the face, especially considering I’m the one hurt. Also the fact that she still continues to maintain she did not have even an emotional affair shows she is still not honest.
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I am open to a marriage counsellor, who can give their unbiased opinion. Right now we both feel we are the victim, and it’s not going anywhere.
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tldr – Moved out after wife continued texting male colleague and lying about. she thinks i abandoned her. i think she broke my trust. it’s a deadlock.