Hi all. Totally new to Reddit so bare with me here…
To start off with, I met my now boyfriend almost 7 months ago on a dating app. We clicked instantly and have basically been inseparable since. We had the sort of connection that allowed us to get pretty serious pretty quickly- something I’ve never felt before but I have just been going with it and trying not to second guess myself/let doubts get in the way. We started dating exclusively about a month after we met, said “I love you” after about 6 weeks, and have introduced each other to our families. We talk about how we see a future with each other often and are both invested in this relationship as a serious relationship, not just looking for fun/casual dating.
Like any new relationship starting out, we never had any major arguments at first. A common thing I noticed early on was his wariness/trust issues that seem to have stemmed from prior bad relationships (we have both been cheated on in the past). There have been a few instances of me speaking with male friends/neighbors/coworkers that are completely platonic and innocent that have turned into arguments with my boyfriend about “being able to trust me”. This occurred more so in the first few months after we started dating, I always made it clear that my interactions with any other guy were strictly on a platonic basis and I have no intention of dating anyone else let alone thinking about doing that. This has become less of an issue over time as we have grown stronger as a couple and the basic level of trust between the two of us has grown. I have never once doubted him or ever even thought there would be a reason not to trust him.
Now for some context about the arguments we have had in our relationship thus far and how I have played a part in leading us to the current predicament. I tend to be a stubborn and sensitive person. Whenever my feelings are hurt, my tendency is to shut down for a little bit rather than tackle a problem head on and say things out of anger that I will regret later on. I completely acknowledge that this is a problem that I have to work on, and I have gotten better with communication in this relationship as time has gone on. Over the last month or so, we have had 2 issues that have blown up into big arguments due to my feelings getting hurt and me shutting down. The first was when I had to go out of town for a work trip and my boyfriend offered to watch my dogs at my apartment for me while I was gone. If there is one thing to know about me, I love these dogs more than anything. The issue came about when I was texting my boyfriend late one evening while I was gone to check on the dogs. He had said he had gone home to check on them but was out with a friend at the bar watching a game and would be home later . For some reason I got the sense that he was lying so I looked at my smart home apartment app that shows when the door has been locked/unlocked. Low and behold he had been gone all day and then gone all night to go out and only let the dogs out a few times that day. This made me see red- so much so to the point that I essentially freaked out on him over text, booked a red eye home and showed up the next morning unannounced. Obviously I had a crazy girl moment there because I knew deep down my dogs were being taken care of but it was the lying that set me off. This turned into a huge argument about how I have poor communication/no faith in him/no respect to fly home and blow this situation up when it didn’t need to be a big deal. I agreed and we moved past it. Fast forward to this last week, when I had a big event one night for work. It’s a big fundraising party that happens once a year. We had spoken previously about him coming with me and he said he would like to try and come with me but no set plans were ever made. On the day of the party he was thinking it would not be a good idea to come with me as he had to get up super early the next morning. I was obviously bummed and when he texted me that night while I was out to “have a good time“, I never answered. The next evening he texted me to check and make sure I was OK, I told him yes and that I was busy at work (which I was). I ended up seeing him the next night, at which point we argued a little bit over the party situation and how it was wrong for me to shut him out because he couldn’t attend and essentially ignore him for 24 hours over something so trivial. We moved past this as well, had a great weekend together and everything was seemingly back on track until last night.
As we were lying in bed together, both on our phones, about to start watching our show, he went to show me some thing on his phone and at the same time I saw a dating app notification appear. I immediately asked him if that was a dating app notification and at first he tried to say no. I told him I knew he was lying and that he should just come clean now otherwise the relationship is over immediately. He ended up saying that he was mad at me for blowing him off and ignoring him on the night of/day after my work fundraising party. So he re-downloaded the dating app out of anger. His reasoning was that he feels like our relationship has been “on the fence” for the last month or so. He showed me the dating profile, told me he was not messaging any other girls and said he had no intention of doing that, and that this was a huge mistake and lapse in judgment on his part. He said he looked at it for a few minutes the night of the party, then never thought twice about it and had forgotten about the app until the notification came in as we were laying in bed together.
I can’t describe how I felt other than being completely hurt and deflated at the same time. I feel extremely betrayed by the person who I love most. We talked extensively about this last night, my initial reaction wasn’t to break up with him and kick him out because I want this relationship to work so I tried to hear him out. I in no way can I understand why he would do what he did, but I also understand how my poor communication has pushed him away as time has gone on. As strange as this may sound, I truly believe deep down that it was a mistake that he made and a complete lapse in judgment. I believe him when he says this has never happened before and I want to believe deep down he would never cheat on me. I can see how truly sorry he is, but at the same time I don’t know if I can move past this and be able to trust him. So Reddit, what should I do? Is this a giant red flag that I would be choosing to ignore? Or do I give this man that I love so much another chance?
Tl;dr My (26f) boyfriend (31m) went on a dating app after a fight, I found out, he has apologized, now what do I do?
6 comments
>His reasoning was that he feels like our relationship has been “on the fence” for the last month or so.
This sounds like a fair assessment of your relationship to me. Idk if it’s fair to put all the blame on you for the relationship being bad recently, but like the dog episode is truly unhinged and it doesn’t even sound to me like he was lying to you
>He had said he **had gone home to check on them** but was out with a friend at the bar watching a game and would be home later . For some reason I got the sense that he was lying so I looked at my smart home apartment app that shows when the door has been locked/unlocked. Low and behold he had been gone all day and then gone all night to go out and **only let the dogs out a few times that day**.
But nontheless, him activating a dating app is a big deal that, regardless of how you got there, you’d be acting totally reasonable to break up over. It might in fact be the right thing to do given the state of your relationship.
The only question is what do you *want*? Do you even want to work it out with this person?
> now what do I do?
Y’all talk about ***why*** that was part of his way of dealing with any conflict.
He downloaded the dating app with the intention of finding someone else. There’s no other reason people download the apps and actually make a profile. Why would he even make a profile or sign up if he had 0 intentions?
Being angry isn’t any excuse. You were busy. He knew what you were doing. If he’s going to behave this way after 7 months of dating, there’s no way this relationship is going to end up long term.
If there was any problem in the relationship, he should have came to you to talk about it. Not download a dating app. Are you sure he was the one cheated on?
Sooo… a couple things…
First, you’ve seen how you BF (someone with *deep* trust issues) reacts when there are major fights in a relationship. This does not bode well at all, because if he hasn’t already… when the next fight happens, he’s gonna sleep with another girl.
Second, we need to talk about this…
>He had said he had gone home to check on them but was out with a friend at the bar watching a game and would be home later . For some reason I got the sense that he was lying so I looked at my smart home apartment app that shows when the door has been locked/unlocked. Low and behold he had been gone all day and then gone all night to go out and only let the dogs out a few times that day.
You claimed he was lying but at the same time acknowledge that he had let them out a few times. And your reaction was… pretty damn terrible.
>On the day of the party he was thinking it would not be a good idea to come with me as he had to get up super early the next morning. I was obviously bummed and when he texted me that night while I was out to “have a good time“, I never answered.
Ok, so him changing up plans on you sucks. Completely understand your anger. But this is kind of a crappy response (assuming you actually did ignore him on purpose and not solely because you were too busy). If I’m wrong, let me know.
OP, let me make it clear that you didn’t deserve what happened to you. You BF pretty much can’t be trusted anymore and if you broke up with him… that would be the way to go.
But at the same time, you yourself are not ready/mature enough for a relationship if this is how you respond under the situations that led to both of your fights.
Long story short, it might be best to break up. Edit: Essentially if it has only been 7 months and there are all these issues (his trust issues, your anger, him trying to cheat). Y’all should still be in the honeymoon phase.
And no, this isn’t a “lapse of judgement” on his part. This is him actively seeking out a partner in response to relationship problems. Sure, he might have stopped once he created the profile… but there has to have been intent in the first place for the profile to have been created.
Ask him to make an action list to share with out that outlines what he will do to address this behavior and earn back not only your trust, but respect as a partner and person. You do the same except it will be about your communication that will help him and you navigate expectations. Honestly, this is probably going to be hard to come back from and couples counseling should probably be on the table.
You should dump him and block him immediately. There are sooo many red flags with this man! He’s controlling and jealous when you so much as have an innocent conversation with another man, and will instantly cheat on you the MOMENT he gets mad at you.
Also he lied to you when he was taking care of your dogs!
No relationship should have this many fights/arguments this early on.