**TL;DR**: All my relationships have been with damaged people because I’m very kind. But I want to get out of a cycle. How do I become less attractive to trauma?
I’ve always been hopeless at normal social skills like small talk and smiling all the time and going to parties and such. Not cause of anxiety or anything, I just genuinely dislike all that stuff. So all my relationships with “normal” people fizzle out after about a month. But I’m empathetic and gregarious with individuals, and I listen, so people still wanna be around me. But it feels more like I’m a therapist. I mean people reveal their darkest insecurities to me pretty quick after I meet them.
But this is obviously a huge problem, because every relationship I’ve had of significance have been with people who are burdened with massive amounts of trauma. I.e. their dad beat and abandoned them, they grew up in a religious cult and were sexually abused, sexually abused by an ex, they’re massively insecure about something, etc etc.
Now the problem with befriending damaged people who haven’t dealt with their trauma, is that the moment you tell them no, the moment you say “yeah I’m moving to Canada for work”; hey I got a girlfriend; hey I’m pursing my hobby; hey I’m feeling a little depressed too, they freak out on you. Their trauma comes back. Like abandonment issues. And they ghost you, gaslight you, or just generally try to hurt you back even though you’ve done nothing to hurt them.
Now I’m in my mid 20s and I’m just done. I’ve realized this has been every relationship I’ve had, and it happened again where I told someone like this “no” and they treated it like I was stabbing them in the back. Thus ends the friendship. I’m just done. It’s so annoying.
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I know someone who I am basically their therapist. It’s exhausting. He basically just talks about all his ex best friend issues and personal problems. At first it was nice to be able to help him. But…that’s literally all he talks about.
The thing is I have problems too, but he ALWAYS talks about his problems. And ignores anything fun or relaxing.
It would be nice to just talk about fun or happy things sometimes, but he never wants too, it’s all doom and gloom. It’s rough.
It took me a while to figure out but there are people who talk about their problems and then there’s people who make their problems your own.
And then, to make it worse, you have people like how I used to be that make other people’s problems their own.
After a few negative experiences you just learn to not care that much and not getting involved. And if things go too far, you carefully and respectfully back away.
You don’t stop attracting trauma, you just learn how to better handle it.
I’ve been the group therapist for a long time so I know how you feel. It’s a very one way relationship.
Is this a vent or would you like some strategies that worked for me?