I’m 32 and still as much, if not more of a loser as I was back in high school and college. I’ve never earned more than $40k in a year. I don’t even have a driver’s license because I felt embarrassed about making a fool of myself in lessons so I didn’t try to learn.
I’ve never had roommates; I’ve lived at home with my parents for my entire life except for an 18-month spell in Thailand in my 20s. I’ve never been to a wedding or a bachelor party.
I have a daughter who is 3 but she came from a far less-than-ideal relationship. I get on well with her and I’m a decent father to her but it will all blow up in my face if my partner and I eventually split up, which looks likely.
I’ve only been to 4 or 5 concerts in my entire life. Haven’t been out in a nightclub in years.
All of this would be somewhat acceptable as just a bad spell in my life if my youth wasn’t also pretty terrible. I was depressed throughout my 4 years of college so I disliked one of the most memorable experiences of anyone’s life. High school was only slightly better.
My only hobby is reading books despite the fact I’d love to join a martial art or play soccer. I just don’t seem to have an outgoing bone in my body…social anxiety plays a role too as does overall awful self-esteem.
Can it improve from here? It doesn’t feel like life can get better. With ageing comes physical degradation, parents dying, and lots of other bad stuff. Worse than that, my perennial regretful mindset hampers me from making any sort of change because I’m at the point of fatalism.
47 comments
I don’t see anything here that says “loser”.
It seems to me like your unhappiness is based on your comparing of your life to what you imagine your life is “supposed to be”.
I’ve said this before on here, but: you don’t “cope with” most problems, you take steps to change them.
“Being a loser” is subjective and calling yourself that doesn’t do any good. Instead, focus on the facts. Make a list of the things in your life that you’re not happy with; then prioritize and work on fixing them, one by one. A few suggestions to start: get a drivers’ license, move out of your parents’ house, take martial arts classes or join a soccer league.
Only advice I have for you is to go hit the gym and develop yourself. Take the next 30 years of your life and do things you’ve always wanted so you’re not a loser at 64.
When I was 32 I made 34k a year. That’s 6k less than you.
Now I make 135k a year. But I did this because I refused to accept that 34k was the best I could do.
It’s a mindset. If you accept that 40k is your peak, then we can’t help you. But if your attitude is “fuck this I’m not even getting started yet” and start working on yourself, you can claw your way out.
But you have to want it.
have you tried meditating on your day to day from a place of compassion, patience and no judgement towards yourself and others?
our inner world is a reflection of what we put out into the external one around us and vice versa, it works in a cycle
our inner rock star, our resilience, self esteem and all that good stuff comes from knowing ourselves so we can live true to who we are and that opens a path to loving ourselves passively regularly sustainably from the soul. it allows us to be more centered and whole, love our existence and ourselves.. that’s how one lives the way they were always meant to.
it starts with acceptance. not acceptance that we are losers. but rather acceptance of who we are as a result of where we came from. maybe that involves mourning some less than perfect relationships with others and ourselves. but we all have to come to terms with being a product of our choices, for better or worse. but all life suffers. and as such, there’s nothing in there that isn’t completely worthy of all the love in the world, especially your own
We have a lot in common. I was depressed at college, I don’t drive, I never earned much, I have a daughter, I was socially anxious until my forties.
I cured my social anxiety for my daughter’s sake by just throwing myself into things and trying not to care if I was embarrassed. I talked to all the mums at my daughter’s school so she would be able to have her little friends over, and I joined Taekwon-Do with her and threw myself into that. A traditional martial art is great for building confidence. Seriously, you stand at the back and just do as you are told, and if you do your best that is all they care about. You wear a white belt and no-one expects much of you. Just do it.
It can definitely improve, but you’ll have to put some work into it. The first step is changing your thinking about yourself. So long as you *think* you are a loser, you will *feel* like a loser. You are seeing (most) everything in your life – from your child to your hobbies to where you live – from the lens of a loser, but you can already tell from this thread that others don’t necessarily see it the same. Keep in mind – you invented the “loser” label, which means you can change it.
Another thing to consider is that while you are doing the best you can right now, you can do more to better yourself. Maybe start with therapy to make sure the depression isn’t slowly creeping back in and/or to address the social anxiety, or find a meditation app to learn to train your mind away from negative self-focused thoughts to positive affirmations about your strengths. Or go to a gym or join an online men’s support group. Balance your time – for now, more doing and less thinking.
What do you want from your life?
I wouldn’t call any of this “losing”, I’d classify it something else, can’t think of it at the moment.
I’m 34 and you’ve done more if not equal to me. I’m not sure how we value separate lives but that’s how I feel when I read your post.
Your no loser, what you need is to attack your anxiety and once that’s under control build up yourself esteem.
Your anxiety is coming from external factors in your life and you’ve listed a few already.
-relationships
-parenting
-wealth
-health
-license
I would start with heath first and get in shape if your are not.
Get your license, don’t let any excuse get in the way.
Once you have your license more jobs will open up. Maybe study coding which can be done for free and is in huge demand.
“Fix” this relationship. If not for them or you but for your kid.
Just keep doing ur best for your child.
Don’t ever put yourself down, that’s society’s job.
Two quick things.
1. College and high school are not even on my top fifty list of “memorable experiences”. They’re a means to an end, and over priced.
2. Being a good Dad is number one on my list of important things. I haven’t been to a concert or night club since she was born. I’d rather listen to a kid’s song for the 100th time than go to any concert.
You listed a bunch of problems to fix.
Fix them.
The only thing you wrote which implies loserdom is your apathetic attitude toward being a dad. You gotta teach that little girl how to live, and how to not feel the same pain as you. Life can really suck but it’s worse when you let your life “play out” instead of taking an active role. Do something small to shift course and build confidence, like the martial art you’d like to try. Take your daughter and let her get excited for you. I don’t have all the answers (in fact, very few) but I know you can’t set up your child to just let life happen to her the way it has seemingly happened to you. She’s already here, and she’s only getting older and more perceptive. Let it be a source of strength and not pain. You don’t have anything to prove, just be present and put in the effort.
My friend you are not a loser and your past isn’t your destiny. Good advice I got was fix one thing at a time. Break it down and get small wins under your belt. Get a little wind under the sails. Good luck!
Don’t worry about others, your life is unique just like everyone else’s life is unique. I haven’t done a lot of the things you haven’t done either and I’m happy most of the time. Things can always improve and things can always fall apart. Focus on the good things.
At least you have a kid. I probably will never have kids at this rate and I’m 31. All the other stuff though are in your control. You have to just get up and do them. Find something you enjoy and do it with someone else. That will motivate you. Also think about bettering yourself for your daughter’s sake as well.
a lot of people would be happily content with the life you live my guy
the best time for you to start winning is when you graduate. the next best time is now.
you wont see when people fail. so its a survivorship bias
Reading books is a good hobby.
You are not a loser, you just got things you want to do.
First step is to take the first step into do something about it.
Join a brazlion jiu jitsu gym !
Start keeping your body up, that means going to the gym.
Start small, if you’ve never had the habit of going to the gym, first month do 1 week a day, 2nd month, 2 days a week, 3rd month 3 days, a week, 4th month start doing a strength training
Honestly dude, what you experienced here, everybody has experienced in some way or another.
I actively reject nightclub invitations these days, too old for shitty conversations and idiots there standing like aimless zombies trying to look cool. I don’t need other people to validate my “coolness”.
Most people don’t read much and thus can’t have interesting conversations with strangers. Was on a date with a MD/PhD and she literally couldn’t understand the argument that the cost of process of taking 1 year to approve a vaccine is lives at stake. The government SHOULD pursue other faster ways to do this that still guarantees safety but faster. But nope, she basically thinks FDA will take whatever it takes and it’s the only way. An insane argument coming from an about to be doctor who blindly trusts bureaucracy over lives. The point here is, just because someone has a fancy degree, making 300k a year, doesn’t make them a “winner”. She was a total sore loser in my book lmao who just couldn’t stomach the fact that someone not in her field has more knowledge than her.
Start small, reward yourself for change, and yes, it does eventually get better.
Don’t be a loser in your late 30s
I haven’t seen anyone else suggest it yet but therapy/counselling could do you wonders. You don’t need to have psychotherapy and pour over your childhood traumas, some CBT sessions could just help change your mindset including social anxiety. You can already name the barriers including your regretful mindset so I think even a few sessions could do you wonders, just someone who can help you with strategies to overcome them which will help you then change your behaviour. Good luck!
So you’ve listed a bunch of issues you have with you’re life and it seems that from your view point that these are just things that happened to you. In short you are not taking responsibility for yourself or your lot in life.
While things may happen that are not your fault, they are still your responsibility. Once you make that jump and start taking on your problems willingly you’ll realize that they are well within your ability to change. If you find they are not, then it is still within your ability to grow or develop into someone that can address them. At the end of the day, as others have acknowledged it’s up to you and only you what you are willing to accept.
You are at a crossroad in your life and are presented with a life that is lacklustre and disappointing to you and it’s put you at a place where you need to make a decision; do I make the effort to affect the course of my life? Or do I allow life to continue to happen to me without any input from you. It also important to remember if you don’t make a decision, one will be made for you and it’ll probably not be one you want.
You’re not a loser. There’s so many people that wish they could be doing as well as you are. Acknowledge and be grateful for all that you have. You just aren’t meeting your own expectations which is good motivation for constant improvement. But don’t call yourself a loser, because it’s a self fulfilling prophecy.
You’re not a loser. You’re just afraid of making a fool of yourself that’s why you don’t get into the things you want to do – driving, martial arts, soccer.
You’re not going to be good at these things right away and there’s a famous saying that sounds a lot like “the path to mastery is being willing to take a beginner’s mindset”. Beginners make mistakes and they usually look stupid trying to learn shit. It’s the price you pay to learn a craft. Drop the ego and be willing to make these mistakes so you can learn from them and keep improving. This applies to almost everything in life.
Your not a loser man. Sounds like you have some negative self talk. Boxing will for sure give you confidence as a man. Also make sure you are eating healthy and drinking enough water.
Some books that served me well in my early twenties was ‘The Power of Now’ and ‘The Four Aggreements’.
I also recommend listening to podcasts with comedians, it thought me not to take life so seriously and to learn how to be a good hang.
Hope it all works out.
What makes someone a functional adult is admitting you have a shortcomings, devising a plan of action to correct that shortcoming, obtaining the means to carry out that plan, and carrying out that plan. This is what adulthood is. Its those exact steps over and over and over again.
**It looks like you have a problem with pride.**
Keep in mind the only thing I have to go on is your original post, but there are a number of places where you know you are deficient in something, but you refrain from taking action to fix those because of what other people will thing or how they will judge you.
You need to get over that. You will only become the person you *want* to be with your own actions to move toward that goal. No one is going to do it for you, and it will take you admitting to yourself where you are before you can start moving forward:
>I don’t even have a driver’s license because I felt embarrassed about making a fool of myself in lessons so I didn’t try to learn.
If you will constantly be embarrassed about not knowing how to drive, do you just assume you’ll never drive in your entire life? You will have to face your fear or you will never drive. If you wait 10 years, you’ll be making this same post except you’ll be in your 40’s.
Do something NOW. I’m not joking. Immediately after reading this post, I want you to google adult driving schools in your area. You are required to reach out to them to find out the pricing of the services, and the date of the next enrollment. This action costs you nothing. No one knows about you calling. There is no risk. Do this.
Next: follow through
Swallow your pride and take the damn class. Its not going to be as bad as you think. There are all kinds of people your age or older that are in the same situation that you are. You do what is necessary irrespective of how it makes you feel because thats what needs to be done.
I got my bachelors degree and my orthodontic braces off when I was 39 years go. I am professionally successful and I have straight teeth. It didn’t matter that I was in classrooms with people that had been in high school mere months earlier. It didn’t matter that I was in an orthodontist treatment room getting braces with mostly children under 12 years old.
You do what you have to because your an adult. The accomplishment is where the self-esteem comes from.
I got this advice long ago when I felt lousy about myself, and its been the guide for the rest of my life: If you’re no good to yourself, you’re no good to anyone else.
On the upside, you have someone to be good for – your daughter. And you will personally gain the benefits of working on yourself, and then you can show (quite literally) to your daughter an approach of how to have a problem, work through it, and then learn lessons from that work.
I would strongly suggest that you find a mental health professional that can work with you and guide you through the areas that need attention. You’re not a loser, by any stretch, in as much as you realize that you need help, and you’re aware of where you want to be in the future. So many people don’t even have that insight. That’s a big first step. The rest is just putting a plan in place that can get you to the goals you’ve outlined for yourself.
Life isn’t a race, it isn’t anything other than **your** journey. And in your specific case, you have a child to help share that journey. Everyone has struggles. Everyone feels that they don’t know what they’re doing, because in some regard, they don’t.
I was a walking zombie for the past 6 years (intense work project and COVID shutdown). One day, I finished that project which was great for my career but I felt empty. I had the sad realization that this decision to focus on wasn’t at all worth the sacrifice. I somehow hit a new low.
I woke up and refused to accept that I would stay on this path. I committed to a process of improvement for the next year — this change isn’t going to happen overnight. Small steps in all aspects: fitness, career, relationships with friends and relationships with women. I gave myself permission to learn, to make mistakes and to have setbacks. I still have setbacks but the process and journey has made me stronger.
Dating was a big hangup for me, but putting myself out there was a form of exposure therapy. Now I’m in a place where I just don’t have enough time to talk with all my online dating matches. And this coming summer I actually want to work on approaching women in-person. Complete 180.
You’ve gotten great advice from others hitting the same theme. Start working now and enjoy the rest of your 30s.
You may have an anxiety disorder. I am on low dose anxiety meds and it has changed my life like nothing I would have ever dreamed of. Yes they are narcotic. But when used correcting and diagnosed correctly they can be th3 most freeing thing in the world. You have fomo and its freezing you in place.
I’d love to join a martial art or play soccer – go join a MMA gym today, not tomorrow, TODAY.
I just don’t seem to have an outgoing bone in my body – does not matter, do it anyway, your thoughts and feeling do not have your best interest at heart tbh.
Can it improve from here? – yes but you gotta do the work. Looks like you need to work on your mindset and also you gotta stop calling yourself a loser.
If you change things, you can become a winner in 12months to 24 months. The question is, are you willing to change your mind and habits.
Hey, is this me? I Can relate on few points of your story
Hey, the beginning of failure is giving up. Never label yourself as a loser. You may be going through tough times, or may not even be a “good catch” at the moment, but the only person who provides yourself with unconditional support is you. Don’t throw that away with self hatred.
I feel like the biggest advice I’d have is to try and slowly get over your fear of failure, as it seems to be related to a lot of things you’re facing (driver’s license, social issues, etc.). It can be hard, but success is rarely ever found in anyone’s comfort zone, so it may be useful to slowly step outside it. If getting a license makes sense for your life, don’t let fear hold you back. If being social/having friends makes you happy, go for it. I worried about similar things, and worked to be social. After putting yourself out there, you may scurry back to your comfort zone (mine is video games). That’s totally normal, just be able to be uncomfortable and do it again, especially in low risk social environments.
As you get more experience being comfortable with yourself, it becomes easier and easier to pursue what you value, whether that is friendships, achievements, etc. Yes, you will fail sometimes, but when that happens, you’ll at least not have the regrets of never having tried. In my experience, it also helps to join charity efforts. This helps to take your mind off of trying to “get” something or someone, and allows you to act out of thankfulness and generosity… the types of people you’ll meet through these events also tend to be great potential friends.
Also, it is important to not care what people who don’t love you think about you. Most people are out to make themselves feel better, sometimes at your expense. They don’t owe you their kindness, true, but to those who are cruel, you don’t owe them a second of your thoughts either, and you only waste your time and energy worrying about what they think.
You are not a loser!
It’s crazy to me how true the statement, “perception is reality” hold weight.
Your life sounds amazing to so many people. Never made more than 40k? Some people never make more than 20k a year. You are a father. That’s amazing! You have a daughter! That’s amazing! Some people aren’t able to have children. You’ve been to concerts! Some people never been to one. You got to live in another country? Some people never leave their neighborhood.
Your life as been so freaking good!
It just feels like mostly a self-esteem issue, which could be because of multiple reasons so I’m not gonna dive into that.
It’s so frustrating to read because I have been in this position. Not the same, but similar in the fact that I viewed my life as being flawed and a failure. When the reality is, life is a beautiful tragedy. There are so many awful things in this world but if we only focus on the bad, we will never appreciate all the glory that life also has to offer.
Can you improve from here?
#YES!
You can always improve. It’s never too late to start. It’s always too early to quit.
I.) Join the pho 🍜 king 👑 martial arts class.
II.) Plan a concert date with your partner and daughter.
III.) Start studying to get your license.
IV.) Sign up for couple’s therapy. It isn’t cheap. But, it’s worth it. It’s much cheaper than alimony, child support, or worse, having your child removed from your life.
V.) If you really feel like you and your partner are going to separate, start preparing. Get a lawyer, find out about your State’s laws on custody. The reality is, the courts will favor the mother unless you take initiative. If you are the one who asks the courts to be involved so you can have 50/50 joint legal and joint physical custody, you will be in better odds to keep your daughter in your life.
Nobody really cares about your life. They are never thinking about it more than you. More truth: YOU have more power than you give yourself credit. Your life can be substantially much better if you focus on the good, change your rhetoric, and take initiative to live the life you want to live.
As my therapist told me during my darkest moments in my life. You have all the tools and opportunities to live a fulfilling life, I just wish you knew and believed that.
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You sound like you’re practically minded and not prone to doing superfluous BS. I’d hardly consider you a loser.
It gets better, one day at a time. Get some help not just for you, but your daughter as well.
Hit the gym… bring your favorite book and just walk on the elliptical or stationary bike. Make it into a habit. Get there 6 days a week even if it means waking up 2 hours earlier every day. Eventually/hopefully you’ll start going faster, harder, longer distances and then one day maybe want to try a class, yoga-boxing-kickboxing,cycling,rowing,lifting.
Broscience works if you can’t afford a therapist and aren’t religious, let the iron be your church.
Have been in almost the exact situation.
From what you said about college, concerts, driving, parents etc.
What’s helping me is visualizing that life behind you, and putting an aim or next step in front of you.
I would focus on only one goal at a time and that goal should be as foundational as you can make it.
For me, it was going back to martial arts. Go to BJJ. It’s got a fun community, it teaches you to deal with anxiety and there’s so many studies that support its benefits for neurotic people like us.
DM me if you want! We’ve got a lot in common.
Do not let your past experiences be the excuse you use to not build your future.
Step 1. Read “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Victor Frankl.
Step 2. Sign up for martial arts classes.
Step 3. Just talk to your other classmates.
Step 4. After a couple classes see if some want to grab a bite or set up a play date with their kids.
Step 5. Set career goals and use your new friends as a resource.
When I left the military I knew I was going to lose most of my social network. So the first thing I did was join a local run club. I met so many people from different backgrounds who have helped and I’ve helped them.
Other folks have given you great advice about your driving and job situations.
I just wanted to say I’ve been to maybe 2 concerts in my life (and in one of those I got so annoyed I left in 15 mins and went to the library to read lol).
I’ve never been to a nightclub and been to a bar/pub maybe 3-4 times in my life and hated it. I don’t like going out a lot.
I hated college.
Point is none of these things make me (or you) a loser. I just have a different idea of what fun is. And so do you.
You don’t sound like a loser to me lol Thailand? You’re a father? Sounds like your into soccer and mma? That’s cool bro.
Just because your relationship sucks doesn’t mean your loser. Just because your broke doesn’t mean your a loser. You’re only a loser bkus your calling yourself it. Broo stop thinking this way
If you haven’t considered therapy or counseling, I would highly suggest you book an appointment if you have the resources available. Professional help will let you see dismantle this downward spiral of negative self talk you have found yourself in.
And to be fair, 32 is still relatively young. There is time to grow as a person and find your own.
Your first bit of homework is to put down social media I’d you haven’t. Seeing everyone’s edited highlight reel while your living your behind the scenes moment does nothing good for your mental health.
P.S As someone who’s been outgoing for many of my jobs, I can confidently say that you didn’t miss out on much.
My dude, you are your own worst enemy.
Take a shower, sign up for therapy, and work through your issues.
It all doesn’t have to blow up if your relationship ends. You can still be a fantastic father while not being in a romantic relationship with the mother. You just have to both work on it, and place the kid first above any animosity you may have for the mom.
The American dream is bullshit. Do what makes you happy without comparison to anyone else. It’s your life to live bud.
So based on your title, you think your are destined to be a loser. There’s no change in your mind. Understand your situation is MALLEABLE. It is not forever. It can be changed in one instant with a mindset shift.
Instead of how to cope, ask how to improve your situation.
I believe most of the time the best place to start is with fitness. Get into a habit of weight lifting or getting fit at least 3 times a week, and 6-7 days a week something active should be done.
Start there to gain some confidence and build up wins. Small, little consistent wins create big winners.
So every day you do something active, it’s a win.
From there, start creating skills for yourself. Valuable skills. Skills like marketing, or tech, or finance, investment. Just learn a valuable skill that someone will pay big bucks for. Just learn a small amount every day. Spend 15 to 1 hour a day.
Use that hobby of reading and put it to use.
From your post it seems that you just lack confidence. Again, set small attainable goals, achieve them, and set higher, long term goals.
The best advice i can give as someone who attained over a 1m$ net worth before 33, and make 250k+ /yr, PAY YOURSELF FIRST ALWAYS. Pay yourself first before rent, mortgage, groceries, EVERYTHING.
Invest in something you like, and understand and have a long time horizon. 20 years+.
I think you have placed a lot of expectations on yourself based on what you’ve seen or heard in movies, books, or (social) media. Let go of those expectations. Stop using them as a yardstick to measure how much you haven’t done.
If you want to have more experiences, you have to choose to have more experiences, regardless of what your anxiety or low self-esteem is telling you to do. Therapy in this regard is helpful because it can teach you techniques to deal with the anxiety but the act of living your life is ultimately up to you.
all easier said than done of course, but thats the roadmap.
try not to be one in your 40’s
have a skill you can sell to employers, get involved in some kind of art, get a social hobby, and take care of your body. the most important thing is have a goal and take as many steps towards it each week as you can
Meds, bud. Start with an MD.