I’ve been single for two years since my last relationship. In that time, I’ve led a really great life, done cool things, strengthened friendships, etc. But I’m at a place in my life where I really would love to find a partner and best friend to go through life with… I’ve been dating in this time, and it feels like every time I meet someone I’m excited about and like spending time with and start to let myself get excited, they lose interest in me, or tell me I’m amazing but they are not looking for a relationship, or in one case ghosted after telling me how much he wanted to see me again. It especially hurts when it happened most recently with this amazing guy, who I had a lot in common with and really started to like and was even introduced to by my aunt, and then after we slept together, he started to pull away. I’m so tired of this. I keep opening up my heart, and trying to find my person, but it feels like I just keep getting beat down. I’m honestly afraid to let myself start to fall for someone again, because it’s starting to feel like no man is ever going to fall for me too, I don’t want to get hurt again.
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Did you have a question?
I honestly don’t know. As a guy I’ve kinda had the same thing happen. No problem getting to get someone intimate with me. But the second that I actually show real interest and that I want to actually spend time with them outside of sex..then bam! They’re pulling away. Wtf is that? I’m not even coming on strong, just basic interest. Yeah it sucks. I just want someone I can really form a connection with and hangout with. Do fun stuff together, or do nothing. Being a 30 year old bachelor is kinda tiring lol
Are you overweight?
>…and then ***after we slept together,*** he started to pull away…
There are a lot of men out there who are really good at playing the game. As soon as they get what they want, they’re out of there.
It shouldn’t be that way, but enough are that it makes simply being yourself a mine field. Unfortunately, one of the best ways to not get a “hit and run” is to hold off on the “hitting” as long as possible.
I can imagine it’s difficult. Best I can suggest is that you try to set clearer expectations with the people you date: make sure they fully understand that you’re looking for something serious and not hook-ups – and stick to it. Insist on dates only for a while before anything physical. That should reduce the number of men who are only really interested in casual non-relationships. Most of the latter usually have lots of other options and want to keep playing the field – so maybe you’d also find some value in thinking about the kinds of men you date and what their motivations are likely to be.
>and then after we slept together, he started to pull away. I’m so tired of this.
Does this particular thing consistently happen to you with multiple men? In general for hooking up with people women will go for more physically attractive people because why not? Women don’t care if a hook up has their life in order so why not just go for the most attractive option? Men in general are the opposite in that they don’t mind going down in attraction for hook ups and have a higher bar for relationships since the vast majority of men cant get regular hook ups. If this is consistently happening to you on a regular basis I’d look into the type of men that you are targeting.
>or tell me I’m amazing but they are not looking for a relationship
If they tell you this hopefully early on then leave and move on if you are lookong for a relationshio, minimal time wasted then as you are dating with intention.
>I’m honestly afraid to let myself start to fall for someone again, because it’s starting to feel like no man is ever going to fall for me too, I don’t want to get hurt again.
There is no way to guarantee this, it’s not risk free. The best way to minimize risk and wasted time is to date with intention. If you want a relationship only date men that want what you want (including if they say maybe or possibly one day etc…that means no) , and ask to define a relationship relatively soon (4-8 dates since most men know after 4 dates if a girl is relationship material and waiting longer doesn’t increase your odds of getting commitment thats a mistake I see lots of women making as a dude…it honestly probably lowers the odds since the non exclusive situation becomes the standard). If you stick to that, it will minimize wasted time since even if they ditch at worst you wasted a few dates not months of time getting invested etc…
Some men want to sleep around and leave you out. So, I guess that’s why he lost interest. So, I say next time don’t give him what he wants at all. You’ve gotta make sure, he’s not after that.
There’s one thing that can come up around that time: compatibility. And it exists independently of everything else.
You can have the greatest time with someone, and be incompatible at the same time. Sometimes, it takes a while to realize that.
If that happens, it’s really nobody’s fault. You just weren’t a good match. That might not be the only reason you were rejected, but it could be one.
You sound like my girlfriend!!
We started off casual and she broke down crying several times because she was so worried that I would leave her because she liked me and it had happened so many times. She didn’t want to pressure me and scare me away, but she was also terrified and anxious.
We made things official after being casual for 2 months and the tables turned once she felt much more secure about us. She’s sort of afraid to show affection and be vulnerable. Previously, I was able to see how much she cared about me because she would break down crying about how worried she was of me randomly leaving her, but now I don’t get much validation. Deep down I know that she loves me, but she doesn’t really show it and so I sort of just crave attention from her all the time. We’ve talked about it and both know it’s not the healthiest thing, but I don’t necessarily want things to change because I kind of enjoy the thrill of being obsessed with her and chasing her. She enjoys it too.
Anyways, I think she exercised more realistic physical standards for men and it paid off! I feel like she’s out of my league. She is SO attractive that she can turn me on again after sex. I’ve never been able to do that with a girl before, ever. I also really fell in love with her personality. She’s so sweet and funny and fun to be around. I might not be the hottest guy, but we work really well together. We have similar interests and values and share a deeper connection beyond just physical attraction. I treasure her and make her feel special and loved.
Having realistic physical standards for a guy doesn’t instantly guarantee that they’ll like you or want to stay with you, it just widens your pool so that you can focus on discovering and maximizing other things like long term potential. A lot of girls might get a lot of attention and just only go for taller guys, or guys they’re instantly attracted to, but there’s so much more undiscovered connections out there beyond those kinds of guys!
This happens to me often too and I have to take breaks in between dating because it’s exhausting! I learned It’s part of the process of dating. Some people will be more interested or less interested after sex. In my experience it doesn’t matter how long you wait it depends more on how interested the person is in you and you will never know. I see this posted a lot probably because it happens often but if the guy is still interested after sex no one is going to post about it online.
Hey 28F I feel like I’m in the same boat, but trust in God one day one will click and work out. However are you asking what they are looking for? They might only want a shorter term thing – check out my YouTube video on this:
https://youtu.be/7y_mGs3wDYs
Im 35 and honesty the ones I fell for never gave back that love and In the same respect with girls I couldn’t care less won’t let me go ! So confusing 😕
It also seems that nowadays people just don’t like to commit. Its so tiring to build that emotional connection and invest only then to be ghosted. Regardless all I said let’s keep trying as lonileliness sucks
All i can say people nowadays are not committing to relationships anymore. They just to get their feet wet and as soon as the high tide comes they run. Its a societal problem I think. People just want to eat good, have sex, and watch the next new netflix series. But whent it comes to commitments, that is going out of style it seems. Good luck next time.