My father abused me a lot, my mother in response to my fathers abuse would abuse me too. Classic sob story, I’m sorry. But, I had no love growing up. I can barely remember my childhood but the bits i do remember are just traumatic. my father beating me to my mother verbally abusing me. I found videos on my DS of my mother pushing me down stairs and i cant even remember it. My mind has literally erased my childhood. I have no recollection of my life, i woke up at 15 depressed and lost.
I was sexually assaulted at some boys camp thing i was sent too, I haven’t even told anyone because it doesn’t even matter now as the boy who did it is long gone. I don’t even think it effects me in the first place but oh well.
My ptsd aches me everyday, i get anxious when men stand behind me, when i get shouted at my heart drops, i was playing football in a park when an older man touched my back and raised his voice to get my attention and i was frozen in fear. I hate how i have turned out, i feel like i have so much potential but i cant do anything because I’m scared.
Im such a loser, i don’t even know what to do with my life, i go to university but i have made no friends i just sit there. I don’t even know why i go since i hate school. Anyway. Whatever. I didn’t think i would make it to 18, now I’m asking men above 30, does it get better or am i going to be this scared loser for life. Oh yeah, i tried anti depressants, didn’t work, then i tried to take shrooms, didn’t work.
I have tried to fix myself but I’m so broken and tired and i just want a normal life.
I just want a genuine hug
6 comments
I think this is one of those cases that would need to be professionally addressed.
>does it get better
Yes OP it does. But it also requires patience and some work. Someone else recommended to seek professional help. You may not like the sound of that, but this is 100% your best way to get on the path towards healing. Do not be ashamed of going to therapy. There is no quick fix and you aren’t going to just snap out of it. Try to find some form of social support, and find something that brings you joy, no matter how small it is. Baby steps OP, you can do it.
Which antidepressants have you tried, and for how long did you try each?
When I watched my dad die 2 years ago, when I was 31, I thought I could handle it too. Everyone recommended speaking to a therapist, and finally I agreed because “It couldn’t hurt… but what are they gonna tell me I don’t already know”. Well, it was one of the best decisions I’ve made since my dad passed. I didn’t “”need”” it, but it was immensely helpful
So do what you just did, but instead of telling internet weirdos, tell a psychiatrist.
Sorry you’re going through this. But I think there are reasons to be optimistic. But only if you make some difficult decisions now and follow through on them.
The first reason for optimism is that your post shows a high degree of self-awareness. You might not be able to remember everything about what happened to you, but the fact that you’re able to piece together what you have is a very positive sign. It’s very common for abuse victims to just hide it or live in denial until something breaks much later in life.
The second reason for hope is your age. You’re old enough to be mostly independent (at least legally) but still young enough where getting therapy now can still have a huge impact on your future relationships, career, happiness, everything. Like I said, lots of people who have been through this sort of abuse just muddle along, often in some state of anxiety and misery, and sometimes while abusing others, until something breaks. It’s never “too late”, but compared to a middle-aged person who has to lost literally everything in order to come to grips with their past, you’re in a position to skip that painful part of the process and still live the life you want to.
The problem is that you probably can’t do this by yourself. For most people who have described what you have here, it takes years of professional therapy and counseling to get to a place of psychological health and emotional resilience. The sooner you start, though, the better the results will be.
Good luck.
I wasn’t ever sexually abused so I have no advice for that. But my dad did beat me damn near to death. For a long time, then I fought back.
When I moved out I struggled at first, with my past I kept bringing it to my future. I was always pissed off, if I wasn’t pissed off id think back just to be mad because I wanted to hate my dad. Eventually I got to the point where being mad was exhausting, like physically exhausting. I got tired of being tired and realized being mad about my past wasn’t gonna change it. And about as fast as I could I moved on, with the promise to not repeat my dads mistakes. My family has a long history of male DV It stopped with me.