I (24F) have been dating my bf (32M) a little short of a year. We met at work. I love this man. I mean, he makes me laugh, we have fun, we’re great at working out conflicts, he prioritized me, he makes me feel understood, everything you could want in a person.
The problem is, he has two kids. They’re very young. I love them. They love me. He doesn’t think he will want more in the future. I’ve always known I wanted to be a mom, later in life, somewhere in my early 30’s. Not only this but I also really really looked forward to that part if my life of living with a boyfriend child free.
Lately I feel so painfully jealous thinking about his ex wife having lived with him in his 20s child free and then having kids later. They had the life I wanted. And I can’t ever get that with him.
I mean I cry so much about this. I get really sad about it once a month.
I don’t know how to cope with this. I have no one to talk to about it. I’m thinking about going to therapy. I can’t imagine leaving this relationship. I feel like I would just regret it so much. It’s hard to find people that match you well.
He’s such an amazing father. It’s so sweet to watch him with his kids. I can’t help but wish they were half mine though. And of course I feel guilty of this. But I wish it had been me. And that it had been our life. I know I can’t change it. But I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t know what to do. I hate feeling this way .
5 comments
Have you talked to him about how much this is affecting you?
It’s probably time to determine if having kids or not is a deal breaker for you. Also if a relationship under a year old is already making you cry about your future, it probably means y’all aren’t compatible.
You need to be with someone who wants children with you
He knows that he doesn’t want more kids. He knows that you want more kids and STILL does not want more kids. You now need to decide if this relationship is worth sacrificing the future you had originally envisioned for yourself (child-free dating, being a biological mom).
If you do choose to stay with him, you need to accept that you will never have biological kids and move on. You cannot hold on hoping that he “might” change his mind someday – that’s not fair to either of you.
It might help to imagine yourself in 15 years. You’re in the same relationship, with two adult children that you co-parent with his ex. The door to biological children for you is partially closed and the door to dating in your 20s/30s is completely closed. Would this relationship and family be enough? Would you resent him? Would you want to go back in time and get your 24-year-old self on Hinge?
This is a hard decision you can only make for yourself. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sending you good vibes.
Your relationship isn’t perfect. You’re 24 and he’s in a completely different life stage than you. There are tons of people closer to your own age that you can meet and have the things you want for your future with. This guy is not going to be the only man in life that you click with and the two of you are just not compatible in the long run.
If you get sad over this once a month, that means it’s important to you.
Also, to be honest, it’s very unlikely that a 31 year old single father asked a 23 year old out with the expectation that the relationship would last forever. He’s probably expecting you to end things at some point anyway.