So I have recently been to the capital and things are a little bit more… heated up in there. I got hit on by men just on the street like that. It doesn’t happen to me in my city.
I wasn’t even dressed too well, I was wearing a skirt with black stockings and boots. I don’t have a feminine body, boy’ish, rather. It’s just I’m noticing it even regularly – if I dress well (or simply feminine? No jeans and loose tees, y’know?) and I’m alone, I instantly start attracting men. I don’t like it. This is not bad on its own, but mostly because I see men equal to women – I am always open to making *friends* and I have many guys as long-term friends and we just bond over similar interests.
It also annoys me because I don’t particularly pick up well on indirect signs – so I am more likely to assume that unless if someone’s direct, it’s not personal, it could be a cultural difference (foreigners), or they’re simply being nice. Because that’s pretty much what I am like too – nice. And that’s a matter of politeness/impersonality to me as well, it’s the way I was raised up. I am also demi-sexual (= I don’t get attracted to people by appearance alone, it doesn’t turn me on at all), so I can easily feel pressured when I sense from someone that they’re attracted in that way.
I had a very unpleasant encounter recently where some man was intentionally pretending to not know the way, only as an excuse to ask me for social media. I am sorry, but it’s not cool to abuse my trust like that. I’m readily happy to help. But this just freaking not cool, and it teaches me that the next person to do it has ulterior motives too. – The worst is, when I turned him down (politely), he started trashtalking me, something about, “oh, women think backwards, you’re different than us, I understand,” or whatever he was on about, as I was distancing myself quickly.
So, wtf is happening here? I never kept attracting men like this (I’m hitting 30s) and honestly, I was pretty happy about it. This is a fairly new situation for me and I don’t like the men/women division this is creating for me. I never wanted to generalize people based on gender and I still don’t, but this experience is making it hard. (Also making it harder for me to sympathize, as I don’t get attracted to people this way at all.)
I also worry now that if I dress well, someone will try to push on me that I have some hidden agenda to attract others or something, lol. If anything, I’ve been working on taking more care of myself, as I never was exactly into all these feminine things. (Something is telling me that it perhaps was because I just wanted to avoid the attention it gives, lol.)
17 comments
I’m sorry this is happening to you. It really sucks. You’re not responsible, don’t think you’re doing something wrong. And the argument that you’re dressing well to attact attention is a load of bullshit. The people using it know it’s crap but they’ll keep using it if they think it can trip you.
I’m not sure i can provide good advices. I know it should not be necessary, but some women find it somewhat useful to appear more closed-off. Like putting on headphones.
But it might simply helps to be prepared mentally, like know it can happen and prepare some phrases to tell them to fuck off, the way you see fit.
It’s a shame a lot of men think public places are their hunting playgrounds.
I don’t mean to be harsh, but this is on you. Strangers approaching you and giving compliments is a universal sign of flirtation. You need to adjust the way you respond to this. It doesn’t need to be harsh, but it needs to be in line with “This man who approached me is hitting on me.” This is the case every time. People do not approach strangers on the street to make friends. They make friends at events or through mutual friends. They try and get a girlfriend/laid by approaching on the street. If you do not share the intention of dating/hooking up with the guy who randomly walks up then you should not give friendly energy to them. Politely tell then that you’re in a rush, or not in a talking mood. If you do decide to engage with it, then do it with the understanding that they are in no way trying to just be friends. Even if they state that they are, know that they are hoping that friendship will lead to something more.
Welcome to the world of incels. Their leader is Jordan Peterson dudes a nut job. Only thing you can do is wear a wedding ring tell them your married ,shut them down quickly and keep them from approaching. Being nice and responding only invites more interest to push boundaries further.
Being nice and open for friendships is a great thing to be. I’d urge you to stay just like that.
Usually, the way people talk to you, you will be able to notice if there are any romantic interests at hand.
If someone is trying to be friendly, and you suspect them of trying to conceal sexual interest behind it, simply let them be your friend. BUT, the moment the other person attempts anything sexual/romantic, it’s time to turn them down sternly. If someone insults you after that, that is a huge sign that he wouldn’t be a good friend anyway.
The problem is, the kinds of men that talk to you on the street will talk to you as if you’re interested EVEN IF you don’t communicate interest. You talking to them is enough interest for them.
My advice : Stay just the way you are. And random men talking to you on the street should be treated with caution.
There is not much you can do except limit your exposure to the general public. I used to have long hair that was a bit curly and people thought I was a girl all the time and sometimes men would call out to me. Sometimes when they realize I’m a man they would feel so embarrassed in front if their friends the only thing they could think to do was attack me on the street.
It has nothing to do with them perceiving interest from you. What they’re doing is called cold approach, they approach you because they find you attractive, not because you seem interested or whatever.
As far as what you can do, pretend to have a boyfriend. That’s the easiest answer. Most of those men will leave you alone after saying that, but some are losers that can’t deal well with rejection. I have no advice for those situations other than to just get out of the interaction. If they asked you out/for your number/socials and you said no and they keep going, just walk away…
I hope this comes across ok… I think it’s both not your fault, and not something you should “fix” in yourself…. But – it’s also not something you can really avoid either.
While it sucks being approached by someone who ultimately isn’t pleasant to you – and you in no way “deserve” that kind of behavior – its IMO not at all worth it to shut out the entirety of the world, and all of the *good* people in it just to avoid the few bad apples.
I worry this can be construed as “victim blaming” – again I don’t want to in any way convey that it’s your fault that guy was jerk who couldn’t handle being rejected. What I *do* want to say is that IMO its 100% worth learning to deal with guys like that (and not let it bug you) and to stay open-minded and looking for good people (who are absolutely out there).
If it is some rando, just mention your “boyfriend”. If he’s a decent person he will leave you alone. If not, you should forgo politeness and remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible.
You should just assume any rando man approaching you in public is doing it because he wants sex with you. I’m 48 and it happens to me often also. It’s not about your age. It’s about your looks- and your weight. They hit on me more now that I’m Older than they did when I was young and much prettier but I guess it’s rare to be middle aged and thin/fit. Now that I’ve got some age in my face and no ring on my finger they think they have a chance
The only thing you can do to avoid it is just don’t make eye contact. If you even accidentally look their way; many men will approach – usually much older men too. Ugh
It’s so easy to think it’s something you’re doing whether it’s the way you dress or act. I’m here to tell you it’s not you, it’s the particular local culture that tells men it’s ok. They’re used to addressing feminine people this way so that’s what they do. Let me give a couple examples. I had a shaved head for a while as a 22-23yr old college gal and I got hit on by guys, sometimes almost aggressively, thinking I was “so cool” (but really I have alopecia and this was an inevitability lol). In that city also people were fake and flaky, “let’s hang out sometime” is simply how people say “goodbye”. Then I moved to a different city in the same region and people were so friendly in a genuine way, wanting to actually hang out and do stuff, make friends. Even people I dated were a lot more sincere and forthright. Now I grew and changed in these years but my overall social style didn’t. It was simply the people I was around.
My point is, you can only be yourself, be authentic and watch your back but other people are the problem or solution sometimes. I know that’s stressful to think about because you want it to be in your control but all you can really do is look for the genuine person that actually wants to get to know you without wanting something from you and fvck the rest, tell them where to go.
Unfortunately there’s a ton of guys out there that still eat up the Pickup artist hot garbage that’s ubiquitous all over the internet. That stuff hurts genuine connection between human beings. You shouldn’t have to dress down your natural self out of fear. Unpleasant encounters should be teaching men that their approach is wrong and that it breaks trust. Yet the freak out you’ve experienced is all too common because of the hot garbage that emboldens men to be so confident and feel “entitled” to your attention and respect.
I’m probably not the best to give advice on how to teach that communication better. It’s definitely hard to say “dress how you want” because there’s dangerous people out there who will see that as license to act hateful in their warped perception of reality.
Definitely don’t stop sympathizing. These people need help to be better. But if it’s too much on your psyche, don’t be afraid to walk away from that toxicity.
im a guy and honestly for some guys a compliment will make them think about you for days so its not so surprising
You’re getting unwanted attention from men. Some guys talk to anyone that looks available. Think of it as cold calling from salesmen. They want any and all leads. They’re shooting their shots not because they think you like them. They shoot their because they have to try or they can’t get any attention from women. Women aren’t naturally interested in these guys. You can be super mean to guys and some guys will still try. I work retail and many female employees, even middle aged ones, get hit on by male customers. My manager got hit on by a customer even after she told him she’s married. Ignoring them, growing a thick skin and not taking the insults personally is the way to deal with them.
This why I dont even say a word to a woman. You have 0 idea whats going on in there heads.
I feel most women should have an Apple Watch or secondary smart device that they can call for help with. Just throwing the idea out there. I’d hope nobody would ever need it, but better to be safe…
OP I understand how you feel and it happens to me all the time when I travel. It happened recently when I was on vacation last weekend.
The people on here are right, it’s a cold approach. You should see it as a compliment and go on your merry way. If they push for your SM (social media) simply tell them you don’t have any and keep moving.
If one of them is making you feel uncomfortable, excuse yourself and alert security or a police officer if they are near.
I just wanna say first of all that it’s not your fault. A lot of men like this will take a woman glancing at them or being within eyesight of them as an excuse to approach. You can be rude, dismissive, say you have a bf/husband etc and they still will try. Just do your thing and be yourself and if someone takes that the wrong way that’s on THEM.
Don’t be afraid to be “mean” if you feel like it’s the only way you can get out of a situation but also know a lot of guys will persist no matter how you respond and act. I’ve been hit on while very obviously being in a relationship. Some of them just have no respect or common sense