TLDR: My best friend (28m) and I (26 f) openly have feelings for one another. We agreed on giving dating a try but now he’s being weird and distant. Need advice on what to do next.
For a little ground info, we’ve been friends for about a year and half now. We are pretty much the male/female versions of each other. When we first met we both showed interest in one another to be more than friends. We started to give things a try but it quickly ended. Somewhere within the time we started talking, he began dating someone else and stopped things abruptly with me. He tried hiding this from me because he was afraid I wouldn’t want to be friends with him anymore. Obviously we’ve gotten past that and have become very close friends.We’ve had conversations hear and there, typically started by me, about feelings, trying to date, fwb etc. but nothing has ever happened. He’ll be all for giving more than friends a try but then quickly changes his mind. His reasoning and response is typically along the lines of saying how important I am and how much he cares about me but doesn’t want to risk ruining our friendship.
The other week he brought up giving dating a try but made it very clear that no matter the outcome, he wanted us to remain friends. I was hesitant at first but after discussion and explaining my feelings I agreed to giving things a go. Since then he’s been acting standoffish and hasn’t talked to me much. I did bring his behavior up when I first noticed but he brushed it off and said it wasn’t intentional and that he’s just had some things going on with work and what not. We’ve tried making plans but he never follows through even if he was the one initiated it. Clearly he’s not the best with communication but I am so lost and confused as to what is going on with us now. I want to bring it up, but I also am afraid of sounding needy/clingy.
I feel as though I’ve tried to downplay and push my feelings to the side because of how close we are but I’m beginning to come to terms with how much I really love him. At this point I don’t know if I could continue being just close friends with him. I don’t think the romantic feelings will ever go away if we do.
7 comments
Hiii, i really hate situations like this cus most times you can never keep the friendship even if there is a relationship or not. Just hope you aint gonna hurt yourself
So you can’t know that you’ll be friends and the nature of the friendship is going to change no matter what. Your attempts to hang tightly on to the past will inevitably warp your present and future. I mean you can tell him “hey stop pushing me away”
Just end things. His behavior has shown that he is not truly interested.
To be frank, it doesn’t sound like he’s as interested in you as you are in him. Sounds like he likes having the emotional intimacy with you and doesn’t want to give that up, so he leads you on with these possibilities of you two being more than friends.
If he really wanted to date you, you two would have been dating by now. The feelings aren’t mutual. Sooner you realize that the sooner you can move on from this guy. I get it, you want to see the best in him but I’m telling you, you’re wasting your time.
“If he wanted to, he would” are words to live by when it comes to dating. It’s easier on your ego if you tell yourself that he just values your friendship so much that it makes him act this way, but the truth is he doesn’t like you “in that way.”
It sounds to me like he doesn’t want to lose you as a friend, and that’s the reason he made this half-hearted offer of dating. It’s not that he’s afraid he’ll lose you as a friend if you date and it doesn’t work out, he knows you have feelings for him, and he’s afraid you won’t keep being friends with him if he outright rejects you romantically. That’s why he’s being cagey: he wants you to come to the conclusion that he’s not somebody you want to date, so you guys can go back to being good friends instead of navigating this relationship bargaining thing you got going on. You are asking him about dating, or being fwbs, or being anything except “just friends.” He’s saying the equivalent of “maybe” but it’s the sort of “maybe” that really means “no, but I don’t want to suffer the consequences of outright saying no.”
I understand why you want to date him, but it’s clear it’s not going to happen with him. You’re under no obligation to keep being friends with him if it’s too painful for you. If you do want to continue being friends, taking some time apart could really do you both some good. You can come back to the friendship with a clear head and no hard feelings if you get enough space to get some perspective on the situation. If you keep this up you’re going to lose him as a friend anyhow.
You deserve somebody who is excited to be with you anyhow. good luck to you!
Truthfully, he really just doesn’t want to date you. That’s the thought I got all throughout reading your post. It’s difficult to hear but it’s most likely true.
I’m confused with the whole “I love him”, I want to date him or FWB thing. I would strongly advise against any type of FWB. You will be the one to get hurt when it ends. FWB works for some people…but not when one party is in love with the other.
But this m/f best friend situations and then feelings.. I’m honestly sick of this.. And then ppl say there’s no friendship between male and female.. Well, here u go.. Always there are feelings at least from one side.
I wish you both a lifetime of happiness with each other or apart, just be open and tell him how you feel, if he’s just a bit mature, he’ll know how to appreciate it and tell you how you’re both gonna go though it, if not… He’s gonna continue being weird and eventually you’ll grow apart.. And u don’t need someone like that as a friend or bf… You’ll realize that sooner or later