TLDR: Partner of 5 years called off our wedding. Hes painfully sorry now. I feel Im paralyzed in my decision making on staying or leaving.
My (28F) relationship (5years next week) with my partner (28M) has hit a breaking point.
We have had some really radical highs and lows over the years. Ive stuck through a lot of curveballs this man has thrown at me, everything from his addiction problems and sobriety journey, getting arrested and bailing him out of jail, to him throwing me to the wolves at the slightest scent of hardship between us. He had some radical undiagnosed adhd which was causing him to be grossly aggressive.. i truly feel like I have given him unconditional love and loyalty. I even moved 3000 miles away from home to be with him.
Fast forward to may of this year, we are roughly 4.5 years deep, ENGAGED at this point for 6 months and doing well. I feel like i can finally trust him and im feeling secure and loved. He has a major injury and ends up being essentially couch bound for the entirety of the summer. This injury puts him in emotional turmoil which he ultimately takes out on me.
Nothing new, im used to it. However now I’m in the middle of wedding planning. I do the whole thing all by myself. As the date creeps up we finally get our invites and im over the moon! He couldn’t be bothered to enjoy the moment with me and be happy which made me sad… which set him off..
The invites were already late so they needed to go out the next day. He started his first therapy session that day and for some reason decided to say he wanted to hold off on sending out the invites so he could see how his therapy helped him… what does that matter?!?!? We fight. He calls off the wedding over it. He takes back my engagement ring in anger and we go through a tango of fighting crying and silence for 2 weeks
I sit him down after the end of the 2nd week to talk as im spinning everyday not knowing my relationship status. Do I call the guests? Tell my family it’s off? He ignores my efforts to communicate. He pretends im not there and watches the TV. I turn the TV off and he stands up, gets in my face and threatens to beat the sh*t out of me.
I leave. I go home (across the country) for roughly 3 weeks to get my head straight. He calls everyday begging me for forgiveness. I come home after the tone switches and I fear he will destroy my belongings.
Its been 3 weeks since I’ve been back home. I dont know what to do. He has suffocated me. Not allowed me space and is demanding I make a decision. We got into an argument about it on our would be wedding date and he attempted to kick me out of our house and even body checked me a few times
He is getting increasingly impatient (understandable) and is making me feel really sad and guilty for wanting to leave because he’s trying his best. Hes putting in all the effort he possibly can and im having a hard time accepting it
It’s so hard to walk away from 5 years and everything I’ve already put up with and sacrificed.
I dont know what to do
3 comments
I stopped at addiction. I’m an addict by the way. Heroin. I’m also the daughter of an addict. My ex husband and I were addicts together. Overcoming addiction is very traumatizing. You stood by him through that and you are his lifeline. He sees you as someone that either will put up with his shit or someone that saved his life and he can’t live without you. He is panicking. I’m not saying it won’t work…but there is a reason why it is always highly recommended to be single while going through recovery..so you can learn to deal with life on your own without substances. You are his addiction now and the thought of losing you is sending him into panic mode because he doesn’t know how to deal with problems on his own without the help of someone who put up with it. Trauma-bond is a real thing. My ex husband and I still hang out and we both feel like we were meant to be in each other’s lives even if it’s not romantic..when in reality we are just a comfort to each other because we both know the anxiety of being alone to deal with these demons. The lifelong curse of addiction.
Get out of there.
So you gave him 200% and he gave you what exactly? Cuz i hear you proved your love a thousand time and stick by him through thick and thin but did he do the same for you? Remove your love from equation and ask yourself, would there be relationship if you didn’t work for it? Would he do anything to make it work? I mean sure people make mistakes and break up and then realize and ask for forgiveness but then he goes and does it all over again, attacking you and threatening you. That isn’t ok, even if he is in pain and emotionally stuck or whatever. Instead of thinking that you gave so much in 5 years, think would would happen if you stayed another 5 and nothing would change, and you lost 10 years on him. Set some rules and if he doesn’t want to chnage and respect you then you should leave. I mean personally you need to leave now but i understand love. But if he doesn’t love you as strongly as you do him your relationship foundations are always fall down cuz one person cannot gold everything.