TW: DRINKING
I (18F) have an alcoholic narcissistic dad, he isn’t terrible when he doesn’t drink.
sorry on vagueness on stuff, I don’t remember a lot of my childhood. Sorry for the length too.
My dads been drinking since i was a baby, I have his last name, and he’s on my birth certificate unlike my brother. he came back shortly after my brother was born and obviously got my mom pregnant with me 🤷 In around 2011 we moved into this house and i guess that’s when i started noticing everything with him. When I was a little kid, I was a daddies girl and adored him, and thought he was the best person ever until I got older. I started noticing his behavior towards my mom, and his behavior towards me and my brother.
He would yell at me in the middle of the night when I would get food, cause he was either hung over or really drunk.. We would cry for him to stop yelling and whatever when he drank (even had to call the police at 7-8 cause it got that bad) . I even remember him asking what we wanted for Christmas, and I would ask for him to stop drinking, he would say “It’s harder than that but i’ll try.”
Don’t get me wrong, he has tried to stop. He’s gone to rehab centers, and has got on medication before, but he just stops trying after awhile, and goes back to his old habits.
He even follows us everywhere we moved, we moved out of that house to an apartment, then he followed, and then we moved to this housing facility and he didn’t follow cause he couldn’t. I still wasn’t properly taken care of though, since my mom was so depressed.
Eventually we moved to a different stare, into this beat up house, and he followed us there too.. TO A WHOLE NEW STATE, and guess what it was the same as always. He drank, and drank, guilt tripped, and was just an overall a*shole. Eventually we moved to a different house, with my grandma, and he didn’t follow.. he moved to a city over an hour away.
Now that i’m older, I realized how much wrong he did to me and my family, but my brother forgives him everything hes done, but I don’t. I know it’s stupid holding a little grudge on my dad for stuff hes done, especially when i don’t live with him anymore, but he doesn’t help my mom with money or anything, and hasn’t bothered to stop drinking.
He’s been drinking since around the time I was born, and if he continues he’s going to drink himself to death. As much as I don’t like him I don’t want him to die, but I don’t want a relationship with him if he’s not going to stop drinking. So should I just keep contact with him, or should I cut all ties or what?
TL;DR: As a kid my dad was a narcissistic, alcoholic. He didn’t have the best behavior towards me and my mom and would yell at me for stupid things like getting food late at night.. Me and my brother would ask him to stop drinking, and beg at christmas for him to stop and he said he would try. He has tried to stop before, but it doesn’t take long for him to go back to his old habits. He would follow us everywhere we moved, and would put my mom in horrible states, and she would even be super depressed when we didn’t live with him. I think it’s stupid to hold a grudge, but at the same time i feel like its valid.. my brother forgives him but I don’t (refer to last paragraph for the end)
2 comments
Its a strange and hollow feeling, realizing you don’t actually have a father.
You wanna walk away, but there’s this hold like this idea that he’s supposed to be a part of your life, or that maybe you can change him, that you can do something for him, that you have some sort of obligation same as he has to you. And then you realize that he’s never met parental obligations. He’s not actually like, a father. He’s just your sperm donor.
Let me relieve you of your decision here. You’re gonna cut ties eventually. The fact that you’re even asking this question rn? You’re 18 you haven’t had much of your own adulthood yet to make different decisions, better decisions, and look at your father worse because you do the things he wouldn’t and couldn’t.
You said he’s a narcissist. He drinks to numb the pain he’s in. If he wasn’t an alcoholic he’d probably have been violent. Honestly the fact that he tried at all to quit is surprising. But the fact that you and your brother begged him to quit as children is also pretty horrifying.
By the time you’re 25 one way or another I’d bet money you’ll have had enough of his shit and have moved on, or started to. Are you ready right now? That’s up to you, who knows. You’ve probably got alot of processing to do before you not only make the decision but can emotionally follow through.
Don’t imagine you have control or power over him. If he’s gonna drink himself to death he’s going to do that whether you go or stay, no matter what you do. Your only concern is if you wanna be *here for it.* That’s it. That’s what you have the power to do. Do you wanna be here for your dad through his bullshit, or wash your hands of him?
You know the answer already. Following through is another matter. You’ll get fed up eventually. Cause he’s not going to change. He’s been like this your whole life if his kids begging him to change and him actually going to rehab didn’t spark some kinda massive perspective shift in his life nothing will.
I’m sorry to hear about that, That’s hard!
Sucks to see a parent in a predicament like that.
It looks like you are 18 and if you feel that your basic needs for Emotional safety and mental health is not being met at home with your father, I would suggest finding a place that is, if you don’t have that option to go some where safe, of which most people your age don’t have other then their own family house, I would call a counsellor and or ask your dad for space, saying my emotional health is suffering when I’m around you and as a kid I don’t have the resources to help you(it’s not your responsibility to look after your dad) as hard as thag may be to swallow this is the truth. Your responsibility is to take care of you now.
Ask your dad to give you some space and call a counsellor to help you find ways to accomplish that. You may with some Communication be able to perhaps create some good boundaries, family counsellors are usually great to help with that. Do you have other family members houses you can stay at?
If so I would in a loving way explain to your dad that you need space for your Own Mental health. This is just my opinion, I would check with a professional and get some support with this, you don’t have to tackle all this on
Your own.