We’ve been together for 5 years. We discussed marriage and children, I’ve learnt to chat in his language after he paid for me to take classes, he’s introduced me to all of his family with the intention of marrying which is a BIG deal in his culture.
I knew that before me, he had been a different-girl-a-week kind of guy, and 1.5 years into our relationship he admitted he cheated twice really early on because he hadn’t expected us becoming a permanent thing but his feelings changed. He said he told me because he wanted a future with me, apparently and wanted to be honest- a clean start. I took it really badly. I was utterly destroyed, like a ghost of my usual self. We broke up for 6 months but I forgave him and we got back together.
Three years later, and a few days ago he called and suddenly admitted that including the two I already knew about, he had cheated with a total of 9 women. What feels worse is these weren’t spur of the moment one night stands while drunk, but he deliberately followed them and contacted them on Instagram and with some, went on 2-3 dates before dumping them. He said he did this once or twice a year.
I didn’t like him following random girls and asked him to unfriend them but he said he never spoke to them and it was just to get his follower number up. He would leave his phone around me, never hid it, and I know his passcode so I thought he was trust worthy!!
The one that really hurts is when he met a girl and had sex in her hotel. Then two weeks after my birthday, he drove to Europe for a night. It was just after the pandemic lifted and I thought he just wanted to experience one night of solo travel? He and I had been on holiday righter a few months before (So naive, I know) he posted that he was driving along a road and I saw that it was near a town that a girl from his insta lives in (I had seen her insta profile on his followers list). I think subconsciously I put it together but didn’t admit it to myself. He came home the next day and came straight to me and slept with me. The DAY after he slept with someone else. He put so much effort into cheating when I live an hour away from him?! I can even see in our texts the time span in which he must have been on a date and in her bed. He probably texted me “goodnight” from her bed!
I think I’m still in shock because I completely trusted him after the initial issue which I saw as a temporary lapse due to old habits, and his subsequent behaviour (language learning, family introductions, talking about marriage and children etc) told me he was loyal and in this for the long term?
He’s told me contradictory things since then. On one hand, he said he’ll constantly share his location with me from now on, that he’s truly remorseful and doesn’t want to loose me, that he’ll become more religious and improve. But when I asked if he would delete Instagram for me, he said no because I should be able to trust him?!
And then on the other hand he said he’s a terrible person (agreed!) and wants to be friends because he doesn’t want to loose me but the relationship is too messed up (because of his decisions!!). Then he goes back to saying he’ll change and so on.
He said I should feel special and loved because he “treated me well” and always returned to me because I’m “special”?!
I just feel stupid, humiliated and used. This isn’t an accident. This is a repeated pattern and my gut tells me nothing can change him and nothing can save this relationship even though I still love him!
We are going to have an talk later and I wonder if I should just say I’m done and block him or should I lay out my terms such as delete insta, attend therapy, shared location etc. I know that “if he wanted to [commit properly] he would” but 5 years is a long time to throw away and if he becomes the person he describes wanting to become, that would be great.
I would love any advice on navigating this and also how to heal from this regardless of if we stay together or not.
(I’ve also ordered a complete, extensive STD kit which was very expensive so perhaps I’ll send him the bill for that!)
TLDR: bf of 5 years cheated with 9 different women and thinks I should feel “special” because he wants a future with me?!
41 comments
Hmm… i think you know the answer. You already broke up once and got back together. It seems like the main question is how much fidelity matters to you, since he’s not going to change.
Just leave… there’s no trust in that relationship at all…
>This isn’t an accident. This is a repeated pattern and my gut tells me nothing can change him and nothing can save this relationship even though I still love him!
Exactly. He is not going to change, so save yourself and end this.
>I would love any advice on navigating this
Uh, break up with him and never communicate with him again. Why would you possibly entertain the idea of trying to fix this???!!!
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Cliche but true. You will never be enough for him and don’t give him any more chance. It will make the relationship go toxic as hell.
He’s not going to change on his own. What do you think will happen when you have morning sickness, a new baby, a sick child, the flu? It’s already a habit.
For him, you have something the others don’t. If you don’t want to give him up, it’s going to be up to you to leverage that and uphold the standards you expect from him: you set them, make clear what the consequences will be if he breaks them and follow through quickly if he does.
What you don’t do is police his actions as he’s responsible for that.
I know five years seems like a long time to just “throw away”. But would you rather throw away all your self respect? All your pride? For this man who clearly does not respect you at all? I think you know the answer.
Chances are, he’s not actually going to change. He knows he can do whatever he wants to you without consequences. He can cheat, lie, and sneak around and you’ll still be waiting for him with open arms. Is that how you want your partner to view you? As a doormat?
Let’s say he does change… are you actually ever going to trust him? It’s going to be a full time job. You’ll constantly be checking his location. Constantly worrying that he has secret social media accounts. Making sure that every week he is going to therapy. That’s like a full time job. To keep a man who has already cheated on you nine times.
I think it’s time to put yourself first for once and find a man who actually respects you. I can promise you that there is someone out there looking for someone EXACTLY like you. Who you won’t have to constantly monitor because they will give themselves to you. You won’t have to worry because they will always be open and honest for you. You deserve that. You’re worthy of that. You just have to make room for that. And that means getting rid of your current situation permanently.
“5 years is a long time to throw away”
So why would you made it 10, 15 or 20 years?leave now while its still 5 years. If he wants to change he’d done it years ago but he didnt. It’ll just keep getting worse.
Love isnt all that. And whats the point of being in love while continuing hurting and disrespecting yourself over and over again?
He isn’t going to change and it’s only going to continue to hurt you. 5 years is better than 20 years and finding out he is still doing this. Cut him loose and find someone incredible. You deserve so much more than this current guy.
>because I should be able to trust him?!
Lol.
Go by his actions, not his words. He’s not going to change. You won’t ever be able to trust him again. He would not be consistent about sharing his location – as soon as he wanted the thrill of cheating again, his mobile phone would experience GPS problems, or run out of battery.
You forgave him once – he got all the chances he was due, now think of yourself and get out and get therapy, so that you’ll someday be able to trust a partner again.
Dump him, sis. He doesn’t love you and he’s not going to change.
Why are you still considering staying in this train wreck of a relationship? People don’t change. He’s not going to change, you are dreaming to think he will.
Yeah no. He will not change. Run!
I have no idea why you think he’ll change. He’s cheated on you repeatedly and without remorse for years on end. Despite seeing how devastated you were after the first two. You’ve shown him before that you’ll take him back. There’s no reason for him to change.
Please do not get married to someone who’s treated you this way. That’s not love. He just thinks you’ll do the wife role well and that his family likes you. He’s not in this for you. He’s in this for convenience.
Advice is: stay strong and leave him. Leave him, for yourself. Your own self worth. There are plenty of men who would not cheat on you. You aren’t obligated to stay simply because you’ve been together awhile. Close this chapter. Start a new one!
I mean, this is the dictionary definition of a pattern of behavior. How can you possibly delude yourself into thinking this won’t continue to happen? You’re only “special” to him because you’re the only idiot who’ll put up with this shit and let him keep coming back to you. Time is the only way to heal, and as long as you’re still with him, the clock won’t even start. Step one is dump and distance.
Just leave that loser.
For everyone that doesn’t seem to get it, you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. You don’t date someone to change them for yourself, they will always be the same person they were when you started dating them unless they themselves want to change.
5 years is a lot but imagine in another 5 years when you wish you had gotten out now.
>He said I should feel special and loved because he “treated me well” and always returned to me because I’m “special”?!
Please leave him he is clearly manipulative and a serial cheater. His behavior will never stop. Do u really want to marry someone whom you can’t even trust? It’s not worth it.
” but 5 years is a long time to throw away and if he becomes the person he describes wanting to become, that would be great”
But 10, 15, 20 years is even more time to waste when this happens again. It was a mistake for you to forgive him the first time. But you did, you will lose yourself if you do it a 2nd time.
Not only that, but you will be having this conversation a 3rd time if you forgivr him. But you will be married with kids and will feel way more trapped about leaving.
Right now, you could leave without to much trouble.
I had an ex who cheated on me, gaslit me, and continuously crossed my boundaries for the whole 2 years we were together. Always saying he’d change, and never actually putting in effort to make a change.
He won’t change. Leave his ass.
Why would you ever trust him again? Especially as he refuses to delete Instagram, the app he uses to cheat.
>I just feel stupid, humiliated and used. This isn’t an accident. This is a repeated pattern and my gut tells me nothing can change him and nothing can save this relationship even though I still love him!
Your own words speak the truth. Cheaters cheat. This is a pattern, a habit, a hobby for him. He will never change, and if you trust him after this you are just lying to yourself. He’s not a good person and you were so “special” he cheated on you nine times? And, what, in a few years will he admit to a few more?
Do not trust this man, and understand that you deserve better. This isn’t love. He is a liar and a cheater and you can find plenty of men who will not abuse and disrespect you this way.
Best of luck.
If you stay together you deserve all the misfortune that befalls you. We all see that he will never stop…why can’t you?
He will not change.
I hope you realize you are a very special person who does not need someone like this in their life. I hope for your sake that you take reddit into consideration and dump this guy.
Surely you are joking.
There is no “navigating this”. Dude cheated with 9 different girls, some of them full-on affairs. If he got you and all those girls all together in one place, you would be a fucking soccer team. I have seen houses built by less people than he has fucked while you were together.
If you stay with him you know exactly what is going to happen, and you will deserve it because you walked into it with your eyes wide open.
Seem to be recommending this book to a lot of women lately: Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. (Sigh).
Oh, make sure he reimburses you for the STD kit. Remember if you stay with him, this will be yet another thing you need to stay on top of. Dump the loser.
We learn from consequences. What have his consequences been?
Because it sounds like none. And if he doesn’t lose you over this the consequence will be a minor hassle for him at most.
If you stay, or if you leave and come back, expect this to continue.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
People who truly love and respect you don’t do what he did PERIOD. This isn’t what love is like. He’s likely stringing you along and contemplating marriage to you solely because you’re easy to manipulate so he can continue his behavior. You didn’t leave him the first time and he just had to offer meaningless promises before doing it all again. He didn’t value you, he didn’t even care enough about your health to not put you at risk. He continues to abuse you. This is who he is and he’s not going to change for you. If anything you’re just enabling him to continue treating you poorly.
Break up, block, get STD tested and get yourself into therapy to figure out why you are so willing to accept this type of treatment.
I have no doubt you are special for many reasons. But the only reason you’re special to him is that you keep putting up with his bullshit when lots of other women won’t. That makes you very special to him indeed. I don’t say that to put you down. I’ve been there. He’s banking on you having a gracious and forgiving heart so that you will keep abiding by his bullshit. That is the special he’s talking about.
If you loved yourself enough, you would leave and not look back. Don’t let a man with insecurities the size of the ocean drown you along with him.
Will any of your “terms” lead you to trust him? My guess is no. A relationship without trust is doomed.
In gadget reviews, One thing is always said “Buy products for its current generation not on the promise of its future updates”.
Good luck.
Please leave. I’m shocked at how awful he’s been. Clearly he doesn’t have the ability to change. You deserve better. Imagine how you’d feel in 15 yrs with 30 affairs. Imagine how your daughters would feel about him if you stayed and started a family? He is 100000% going to cheat again, the only question is how many times a year?
Gone girl his ass
Absolutely not going to change anything. It’s been going on for years, he’s already admitted this to you before, said he would change, and then didn’t.
Kick him to the curb
lmao girl leave him men like that dont change. do you really have it in you to give him a third chance? if you do, he’ll cheat on you again
Oh sweetheart, he is a typical Narcissist. His pattern of behaviour is ingrained and he is incapable of changing. The reason you are special is because you accept him back, which means in his mind that you accept that he cheats on you and he takes this as a green light to continue to treat you this way. He views you as discardable but his own property. Your very best course of action is to exit the relationship and immediately go no contact, essentially become a ghost in his life. He will dislike that immensely, promise you the world with his mouth, while his actions continue to expose him for the lying cheating POS he actually is. He will not stop being a POS, to stay with him is to invite other women into your relationship and get regular STD checks. That’s not a way to live your life. Get away from that scumbag, he ain’t worth it girl.
Cheating is only really a problem once it hits double figures. 9 is fine, no big deal.
Jesus. Leave him for fucks sake.