Apologies for the long post.
Situation: My bf (m32) and I (f23) have been dating for almost 4 years. Our relationship has been very great, we’ve also been living together for about 2 years.
I think he is good-looking, he thinks I’m good-looking. I also think I am a good-looking person.
Important detail: I don’t have a high sexual drive, he doesn’t either. So once a month or something around that is a perfect frequency.
The problem: The only biggest and recurring downside of our relationship was the intimate part itself. When we first started dating, we had sex fairly often, and it all went downhill from that time – from multiple times a week, to once a week, to once in 2 weeks, a month, two months, up to 4-5 months.
Important to point out – I didn’t notice there was a big problem for a while because having sex once a month for me is a very okay amount.
When it got less and less frequent, I also noticed he started kissing/hugging me in that way way less. All went to a point where I’d initiate and he’d joke it off or do it very quickly.
Then I noticed that boiling feeling inside me about feeling unwanted. A big wake up call was when I felt somewhat happy to be catcalled on the street lol.
I decided to talk to him and we had an open conversation about all of this. (When I asked him why he was not attracted before, he’d usually find different reasons (all of which were never directed towards me, a green pass here). I.e., he’s too stressed with work)
Conversation content:
My side: asked what happened and asked to be honest
His side: 1) he’s attracted to older women (I.e. those that are very mentally independent) 2) the closer he gets to someone emotionally, the harder to be sexually attracted to that person 3) cuteness is a put off (and I am the cute type) 4) he has very particular preferences intimately, and the first time we had sex I got pretty surprised/shocked by them, he mentioned that it made somewhat of an emotional barrier for him cause he opened up and I took it negatively (I’m totally ok with them now but he still can’t get over that time)
BUT “the problem is in me. All of these things are just my own issues and you are not the problem here” he said.
Me: why didn’t you talk about this sooner?
Him: I didn’t want to hurt your feelings so I didn’t know how to talk about it
I don’t see any red flags here personally. At first we talked about peacefully parting ways but neither of us want to leave each other. On the other side I’m pretty aware that it’s difficult to change your view/taste.
We do not want to break up but we also don’t know how to deal with this issue. Is there anyone here who maybe managed to solve this kind of problem? Could you share your experience?
Thank you for reading all the way till here.
14 comments
Run, you’re young and deserve to be loved for exactly who you are.
Why would you stay with him? Where are your standards, girl?! It will only lead to resentment and self-hatred.
If it’s him and not you, what is he planning on doing about it?
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It’s a very difficult situation. I can understand it. preferences are just there in the mind. The best that can be done is to just not discuss it for a few months, let this sex topic or coldness due to it fade away and then slowly try to be a bit more like your partner wants( initiative from both sides obviously, some preference of your+some preferences of his). Idk if it’s a very good solution for a long term but might work
I would end this. You are 23. You have more than enough time to find a good man who will want and desire you.
He’s attracted to women his own age and instead of breaking it off he’s making you feel bad about it? There is no solving this problem. You’re 23. Have some kindness for yourself and leave. Go he happy elsewhere, either alone or with someone who values you. Preferably someone closer to your age.
Why not just be friends? That way you can still be in one another’s lives but have the room to both go find more fulfilling and happy romantic relationships. Your reasoning for staying together sounds like unhealthy codependence rather than a genuine desire to be one another’s life partner.
What is the point of calling yourself in a relationship, when you’re really just living with a roommate at this point? Seems like a terribly sad thing to settle for at the mere age of 23 no less.
Why are u trying to make a relationship work with someone that is not attracted to you?
I understand you have love them and have a great relationship otherwise however, emotionally and mentally this will begin to negatively affect you. You may not even see the effects until you are single and unable to think and feel the same way about yourself
You sound more mature than he does. That won’t age well. Find a real man who wants to fuck your brains out, not a bitch little boy who wants a different type of woman that isn’t you. Did you used to be his type??? C’mon lady, have some self-respect and find a better dude.
I’ve been on both sides of this equation and it’s difficult either way. So here are my thoughts:
1. It’s much easier to say “I’m tired/stressed/whatever” than to acknowledge a long term problem.
2. The closer he gets to someone emotionally, the harder it is…that sounds like some “deep fear of rejection” issues that he will have to work out on his own, probably with a therapist.
3. His particular preferences may be a source of shame for him. If you seemed surprised or shocked, he may have felt rejected. That’s not on you. Communication before sex would have helped here a lot. Everyone is entitled to their kink, but they are responsible for finding a safe space to explore that kink. He should have told you before you got naked.
That said, if he felt rejected (through no fault of your own) it may have made it more difficult to be with you sexually.
It’s hard to feel sexy if you don’t feel safe.
It sounds like the two of you have some work to do.
If you love this person and want to make it work, great! But know that this likely isn’t about sex, it’s about safety, trust, shame, fear and a hundred other things I’m not listing. You’ll both have to work hard to get where you want to be. Involve a professional.
And there’s no shame in saying that you’re not willing to do that work. Don’t force it. But in that case, you have to walk away. It won’t get better on its own.
He likes older women and shows no physical affection to you. What are you doing?
How to be a doormat 101. Also the reasons he listed whilst wrapped up in seeming context is gaslighting.
When you first meet someone you are infatuated for the first few months, but after years together that settles down into a more mature love.
You kind of just get used to the person. It is no longer about having wild sex, but other things like building a future together.
Unless you are Romeo and Juliet or something, this kind of just the way it is.
I’m not sure why you’d want to stay in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling when you know you can never change three out of four issues he’s having that are affecting your sex life: your age, your cuteness (?), and your emotional closeness.