Sex between us has always been an issue.
When I say an issue, I mean the initiation and frequency.
She has a super high libido and I don’t.
When we have sex, it’s fantastic and sheet changing.
So I decided via therapy that I need to be more open with my fantasies and wants vs always trying to think about exactly what she wants. I’m not a mind reader after all.
So I started. I told my wife fantasies and bought her toys, sexted her more. And all things I thought were going well.
That was about 9 months ago.
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Fast forward to last night and we are talking and she was getting visibly annoyed at me. So I asked her what was up.
She sorta blew up and asked me when the Last time we had sex was?
I told her we had been having sex, all week. She’s had 9 orgasms in the past 4 days?!?
So one of my loves, is getting her off, but I’m not always interested in sex. So I love giving her oral, using toys on her, or my hands. And getting her to cum.
She said she’s mad because she doesn’t feel a connection when I’m just being intimate with anything else other than my dick.
And that I could make her cum 2x a day 7 days a week and she still wouldn’t feel pursued, or sexy, or wanted.
Because it’s not on the same emotional level.
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I’m hurt as fuck.
I thought things were going really well. And she was having tons of orgasms, and I was turned on more and wanting her more and making my wants known via physical touch, flirting, and being open.
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TL;DR Sexy times with wife, weren’t impacting her the same as me. I’m confused more about women and their wants/needs
**edit because it seems that people are only focused on my testosterone levels. They are fine. I’ve been checked. I can still get hard no worries**
28 comments
I know it hurts, but you just learned something valuable! You already know how to get her off physically, but now you know that’s not the same as emotionally, so it’s time to explore her from that angle. Is PIV the only way she feels that connection, or are there other things that give that feeling as well? She may not know, herself, so this may take some exploration.
The reason you are confused is because you are not communicating each other’s needs/wants. Nobody is a mind reader, these are conversations YOU MUST HAVE. While we use toys, oral, fingers, butt play, we make time several times a week for good old PIV because that is the ultimate bonding.
You’re not confused about women, you’re confused about your wife.
So there seem to be a lack of communication from her side imo. You said you told her ur kinks etc but obviously she wanted your dick all the time but never communicated that. She can’t blame you for that.
So I guess you need to communicate again and see if you can find some kind of compromise.
Also it sounds unreasonable that she doesn’t feel wanted or sexy if you make her orgasm multiple times a day. Maybe she needs to speak to a therapist why she can only feel desires when you use your dick.
Do you have morning wood? If your dick is hard, you can use it to please your wife. You don’t have to be in the mood for sex, rather the mindset that you are in thr mood to please your wife. There is something special about PIV that your wife needs.
My wife and I are open access to each other. When you know you can get it anytime you want, it makes it a lot easier to pass it up when you know it’s really not the best time for your partner.
Well you’ve found out her want/need is your dick.
So at the end of those sessions where you get her off a ton, maybe just fuck her real quick? Altho it won’t help if she wants 30 mins of regular PIV sex and you don’t have any interest in that.
But yea I like to use toys on my wife and I like to use my fingers and I attempt to fist my wife occasionally, but in the end she always wants me to fuck her. But usually by that point I don’t last very long as all that other stuff kept me aroused.
So maybe talk to her and figure out if there’s a way for both of you to get what you like.
Go to a therapist together
So I think it’s unfair of her to focus on sex with your penis as the only thing that “counts,” because that doesn’t really respect your level of desire or the fact that you are going out of your way to make her happy.
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But I do understand the idea that feeling sexy and desired and wanted is more important than the # of orgasms.
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If I were you I would focus on that–how does she get that feeling? Is there anything that you can do while respecting your lower libido that would give her that feeling? When you are making her cum, do you tell her how sexy she is and how much you love it or is it more mechanical–I do this and then you have an orgasm and we have done a good job here kind of thing? It can also feel less intimate to lose the full-body embrace part of PIV sex in favor or something like oral, are you guys cuddling enough?
Welcome to another post filled with the man is wrong. I couldn’t imagine the responses if the roles were reversed in this one. Allegations of rape, emotional abuse, to calls of divorce and so. This group is turning into FDS
I’m very curious how you feel when she does things for you? Like are you good at receiving pleasure? It sounds like you aren’t, you primarily focus on your partner and getting them off, and while you may ENJOY it, it may not be that sexy for her because you aren’t getting off. You are much more comfortable in the position of giving because receiving is more vulnerable for you. In your case perhaps it’s because you have some sexual dysfunction. There’s a book called The Art of Receiving and Giving that’s all about the vulnerability of pleasure and how to open up to getting pleasure. Often the impulse to control that situation is a sign of insecurity.
So give her some D. this can be solved with you getting her off (since that get you going) and giving her what she wants. do sit around and mope about it, just giver her a good pounding.
Dude you have to fuck her more with PIV as simple as that, increase your libido as much as you can, and yes both of you should go to therapist not only you.
Just an idea…what are your testosterone levels? Might try lots of eggs
I can only tell you what works for us. My wife is much the same, she is never quite done unless I finnish by being inside her. It doesn’t matter that she came with a toy, oral, us inviting a girl over, it must finnish with me inside her. It sounds like she gave you the key, just make sure at the end of a session you are making love to her. There is actually a chemical release that creates a feeling of well being in women when they have their partner inside of them. It all boils down to biology.
Yeah, communication is really important.
Well many people require an emotional connection. Seems your wife doesn’t feel as much with oral, and toy play.
But seems like an easy fix.
You can still have your fun with toys & oral, just make sure to forget what she craving. That emotional connection and after care.
She isn’t feeling desired.
I’m also guessing she probably feels like you are just putting it all on, and you aren’t into her and you aren faking your attraction. I imagine she is judging this from the fact you aren’t getting hard and giving her PIV sex. It is probably an anxiety thing from you previously not seeming interested in her.
I know it sounds crazy, especially when you are getting her off multiple times but it isn’t scratching that itch she wants scratching. She doesn’t want orgasms, she wants you to want her, and when it is all one way it doesn’t work for her. She wants to be getting you off too.
Is it always her initiating? That can be a real killer for feeling desired.
It sounds like you aren’t always lacking the desire she wants, it just isn’t coming across to her. Maybe she needs some reassurance. I don’t fully understand why you aren’t in the mood for ‘sex’, when you are doing all these sexual things, I guess she might also be having similar thoughts. Maybe you need to explain that you are very much enjoying yourself even if you don’t orgasm. “Mind is willing but the body isn’t”.
I say all this as a woman in a relationship where my boyfriend has a much lower libido than me which makes me struggle to feel desired a lot of the time. My anxiety is also rooted in the fact my boyfriend was always picking porn over me so never wanted to have sex with me because he was always physically and mentally spent from his porn fantasies. He has given up porn which has improved our sex life loads, but he still has to reassure me and initiate sex sometimes otherwise my anxieties creep in.
Seems like if the roles were reversed people would say you were too demanding and not everyone has a perfect match.
Sounds like she needs to realize that you cannot physically give her what she wants and she needs to figure out it that is a deal breaker for her.
All relationships require some level of compromise where there is a disparity of desire, interest, or behavior like tidiness around the house or money. And when it comes to anything physical that compromise needs to be fully honest and clear. You’re clearly making an effort which is good, but that effort is misplace absent your wife being involved in accepting that as part of a compromise. She also needs to reorient her expectations around your constraints. I very much get the PIV part being critical to bonding, but every session of sex play shouldn’t require that. Sometimes it can be just superficial physical fun and enjoyment as long as the bonding part is included some of the time. You two need to openly work this out now since sexual incompatibility to the level of someone being frustrated is toxic to the long term viability of a relationship.
Not to shame, but if you are 33 and dont get turned on for three or four days, I would suggest maybe a medical review or beginning a sexual supplement. They have some that you take daily that keep you in the zone.
Right now your sex is living in your head. You are making assumptions. Sex needs to live in the space between both of you and you each have to nurture it.
Many of my friends who have had problems cured it by talking openly with their spouse.
Hope you find what you are looking for. 🙂
Maybe she needs to tell you her fantasies
This sounds purely like a communication issue. You did not communicate well. She shut down a tiny bit. You began working on issues to improve things. You got ehr to tell you some of what she needs but she was not direct enough. Instead of calmly telling you there was a misunderstanding she got frustrated and over reacted.
It sounds to me as if she believes you not wanting to orgasm for a few days after PIV leads her to believe you do not physically desire her. She does not want general intimacy or for you to pleasure her. She specifically wants to pleasure you. She wants to feel like she does the trick for you.
Begun working towards finding solutions for this. So that you can both please eachother more often. However don’t be afraid to tell her that she needs to be more clear from now on and speak up sooner. You both seem to be givers, which is leading to some confusion because you both feel like giving is intimacy and not focusing on taking.
A lot of blame is being put on you from the posts I see, if a woman didn’t want as much piv sex as you, they wouldn’t be blaming her hormones, there are many couples that only have piv once per week or even less. You are doing oral on your “days off” which is more than most people would do.
You still need to date your wife. Do something romantic. It’s not all about the o
Hi, I made a throwaway account just to reply to you because I think I have kinda the same story in a way, or at least a very similar situation came up in my wonderful marriage.
I (F) was a very high libido woman that always dated fellow high libido men. Then I met my husband, who is amazing but really is not that much into sex. I mean he doesn’t… *hate* it, it’s just not on top of his priorities, and for sure he didn’t want it as often as any other men I had been with. And that shit was really hard for me. Mind you, it’s not that I didn’t cum enough, I can do that on my own thank god, it’s the feeling of somebody *wanting* me real bad that was lacking. He was (and is) very much in love with me and he does enjoy the sex we do have, he just doesn’t want it super often or with the same intensity.
In the years we talked about this so many times and hearts have been broken on both parts, also of course I am not your wife and I have no idea what goes on in her head (you have to talk to her for this) but there a few things I’d like to share with you just in case:
1) I don’t think the problem it’s the PIV or the penis itself necessarily. It’s your pleasure. Maybe she needs *you* to feel pleasure. You sound like a very altruistic lover which of course it’s nice and all but maybe it’s not what she needs to get off.
A lot of women (and men too) get most their sexual arousal by the thought of how excited the other person is, or how much pleasure they’re giving them. You seem to be a little bit like this yourself, you enjoy pleasuring her but you don’t seem to enjoy the reverse just as much. Of course it’s ok, but that means you guys are in a stalemate situation.
2) This totally *is* improvable. But you guys need to work on selfishness. Selfishness is ok in sex (to an extent and with consent of course) and both of you need to be able to receive and give in a balance. From the sound of it you have made quite a long path and you improved your sexual communication etc, which is GREAT! Kudos to you. Now she needs to do the same.
The bottom line is, realistically if you want sex twice per week and she feels connection when you *crave* her, then twice per week it is. Twice per week is very decent and you can work on other ways to reassure her and make her feel loved. My husband went through the same phase of “trying to pleasure me so I’d be happy”, it was very fucking humiliating and put me off of sex altogether for a long time. My personal advice is fuck less but fuck better.
That said, I wish you and your wife a very nice journey together, you sound like good people and love is really tricky for all of us. Stay safe and have fun!
Good for you both that she communicated. It’s not you against each other. You’re on her team and she’s on yours.
Dude, just please your wife as much as possible. Some of us here would love to have a wife with a high libido any day…..
Tbh as a woman all that foreplay stuff is cool but she needs to get fucked (with your dick). She’s gonna get tired of you not fucking her and she’s either leave you or cheat on you. I know that’s not something you want to hear, but it’s the truth. You can’t turn her sex drive down, and she can’t turn your sex drive up. So y’all need to have a conversation about how to move forward if nothing changes on your end.