In a relationship for 4 years, married earlier this year. I opened his “hidden” folder on his phone because I am dumb and nosy. I have no reason to distrust him. I didn’t even think about it, his phone was in front of me and I looked. We have been sending each other occasional nudes (without our faces) to spice things up, I guess I wanted to see if he had saved any of mine (or that’s the lie I’m telling myself anyway).
Well, I did not find any pictures of myself. I did see 22 pictures of him with his ex having sex, some nudes, plus a short video of his ex having sex with him. Both of their faces fully visible. I did check the date and confirmed they were from before we had even met. I’m not concerned about him cheating.
I’m not even sure if it really bothers me that much. It was a little shocking to see, but I think if I had pictures like that I might have saved them too. So it’s hard to blame him. Yet, I still have this sinking feeling in my stomach about the whole thing (was the sex better with her? Why doesn’t he save any of my nudes?)
Anyone else have any similar experience? I haven’t talked to him about it. I shouldn’t have been looking at his phone in the first place, and I don’t plan to ever look again. Should I just ignore it and pretend nothing ever happened? I understand that the fact that I looked at all is a huge breach of his privacy and I do regret doing it. I guess I’m just looking for some outside perspective.
46 comments
I (34m) have pictures and videos of my exes, don’t overthink it, sometimes we don’t delete them but it doesn’t mean we want them back or that we don’t like our current partner
Being that you’re married I’d say that’s pretty fucked up. Definitely a huge red flag that he never trusted enough in his commitment to you to bring himself to delete them.
And he stored them in a hidden folder for a reason.
Best of luck with all of that.
Yeah, snooping through private stuff is always a bad idea, I think. Having said that, you’re married now, and you saw what you saw. I say, in as non-confrontational and accusational a way as you can, talk about it. Ask him if he just forgot to delete it. You said you were wondering if it’s because she was better in bed, ask him that. If it’s a certain skill, position or technique, maybe you can learn to do it for him. If it’s just the make-up (natural tightness, wetness etc) of her vagina, then there’s nothing you can do about that.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him to delete that media, and try and focus on improving your sex life, instead of holding on to whatever amazing sex memories he had with his ex.
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I think the biggest red flag here is that he’s keeping pics of someone else and most probably without their consent. Isn’t it creepy? If he really forgot about those, someone could get a hold of them and really harm his ex. If you become an ex in the future, will he treat your privacy the same way?
I don’t know how you can stay so calm about that. I don’t think this is acceptable. Not for the ex and not for you. I would probably have deleted it on the spot and gotten very upset if it was me. Not that that is the right thing to do, just how I would feel.
The question is, has he kept the same phone for 4 years? If not, he probably transferred the photos when he changed his phone while you guys were together. And that’s fucked up. I mean both ways I think it’s fucked up to be married and have sexual videos and photos of your ex…
2 yrs ago I got a new phone and ported all the shit over. As I was doing it a secure folder popped up. Forgot I even had it in my previous phones. We’re talking pics from 12 yrs ago.
I deleted just because. No real reason.
I have a different secure folder for my wife.
Point being. Had she looked at my phone before this new one she could’ve found them and honestly, I hadn’t looked at them since we’ve been together. Just didn’t really think about them.
I never go. Shit. I’m seeing someone new. Better delete all my exes nudes!
Everybody chill lmao dude probably forgot about them
Don’t let stupid people here persuade you that your husband is a bad person. At the end of the day he chose to marry you, saved pics or videos are just that, pics and videos. If he wanted his ex he would be with her. Many men have saved pics and videos of their ex’s, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you or is interested in his ex. So long as he is faithful and loves you then I wouldn’t worry.
I would lose my mind. I would be so hurt.
You’re on reddit asking this because you know you won’t be able to forget about it. Talk to him.
Good luck and it will be ok, just be honest! Communication is what keeps you in a successful, happy marriage.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable at all with this and I’d ask my partner what that’s about. Keeping nudes of an ex when you’re in a committed relationship/married is weird and don’t see why anyone would be doing that. The only explanation is that he likes the time he spent with her and the sex, and that’s why he’s keeping it as a memory in his phone. I wouldn’t be okay with any of that and I’d talk to my partner about this and have them delete those pictures and videos. It’s fine to look at porn but not really be keeping anything sexual or love related from an ex.
Yikes. Look on the works of the male population, ye mighty women, and despair.
Let this thread cement the knowledge you needed to confirm you should never, *ever* send a man nudes if you’re not comfortable with him keeping them for the rest of his life and well into his next union. These comments are absolutely disgusting.
I’d say bring it up to him. Talk to him about what happened, and how you were a bit nosy, but also about how you feel about him keeling old pics. It’s possible that he moved them to the locked folder and just forgot about it, but also possible that it’s not.
If you’re not bothered by it now, you’re going to be by asking this sub…
Not gonna lie, that’s majorly icky. I see people rationalizing it, I just have a few thoughts:
1. That’s disrespectful to you. No one is a big fan of their partners’ “major” (most significant/ last) ex. If he had framed pictures of her in the house, that would be weird. To have saved their sex tapes is a whole lot weirder.
2. The deception. It’s not like they were in his camera roll. There were in a hidden folder. They were meant to be concealed. And no, he didn’t forget they were there. It’d be one thing if it was a few nudes she had sent him randomly during their relationship. But he set up a fucking camera to film these, and was an active participant. Much harder to forget about.
3. The length of time. 4 years? Yikes.
4. Flip the script. If your husband went through your phone and saw videos of your ex railing you, I’m sure he’d have negative feelings about it. Basically any dude would. So for him to keep stuff when he (most likely) wouldn’t want you keeping if the roles were reversed, is just bad juju.
5. These aren’t random boob pics from some tinder date before y’all met. They’re major motion pictures from someone he was in a romantic relationship with. They were made in the context of the relationship. I would assume his ex doesn’t want him to still have them either.
I don’t think I’m unreasonable when I say I delete all nudes/ sex vids from previous partners, once the relationship ends (regardless of duration). I don’t want to go back and jerk off over an ex, or relive our past experiences. I think it’s reasonable to keep regular pictures (after all, that’s your history, vacations, friends’ weddings, whatever). I mean, my ex was a bridesmaid in my brother’s wedding ya know? Not deleting photos of us from every trip and holiday or whatever, though I do remove them on social media out of respect for my new girlfriend, who shouldn’t have to look at my ex every time she looks at my instagram page.
At the end of the day, I get that everyone is different, but at basic levels of respect, keeping sex tapes of your ex hidden on your phone multiple years into your marriage is majorly uncool. If i found something similar on my girlfriend’s phone, I would feel sick to my stomach. I obviously understand she has had sex before me, not insecure about it or anything. But I definitely wouldn’t want to *see* her having sex with someone else, and I would be incredibly skeeved out if I thought she were saving them and watching them into our relationship (we both had a formal “spring cleaning” of our phones about 3 months into our relationship, to get rid of any leftover icky shit). Because I wouldn’t appreciate her having them, I don’t have any. Just basic ass respect.
Happened to me recently. Found them on his backed up files on his computer when he asked me to look for something else. We’ve been together for three years and we get married in two weeks.
I told him I found them. I told him the many ways it made me uncomfortable/horrified tbh, (their privacy, our relationship, the feeling of betrayal) and we had a productive conversation. I fully believe he forgot they existed. He offered to show me the history of when they were created/when he last viewed them, and he deleted them in front of me. He explained how the backup folder is his external hard drive that he’s had for YEARS and he dumps everything into it without thinking. We managed to turn it into a really great conversation on boundaries and what interactions with other people should be like and he was truly remorseful about the entire situation. We even expanded it to what emotional affairs looks like and defined cheating with each other (don’t know why it took us so long to have that talk).
Only you and him can determine comfort levels/a way forward but taking ownership of the discovery while also showing it hurts is appropriate. Both can be true and felt concurrently.
Also, I got a new phone this weekend and my secured folder transferred without me even realizing and it’s one I’ve also had for years. No nudes from other partners but other random photos from like 6 years ago so it truly could be that!
I feel like if you were dating it would be eh… but the fact that he’s your husband makes me not like it. Once you’re married that shit should get deleted
Honestly I’ve run across several nudes I have that I completely just forgot about. It could be as simple as that. But you should talk to him about it and let him know you’re uncomfortable, if it’s just a case of him forgetting he shouldn’t have an issue with deleting them.
Look , Im one of those ” never delete anything ” guy.
I also have photos/memories of my current and most of my ex , GFs.
Of every kind,shape and form.
And even I, dont have a hidden folder.
If you have a personal reason to save those memories, you should never be ashamed of them.
And you should never lie to your new SO or hidding them from her.
It’s a chapter of his life. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I wouldn’t even mention it. He married you. He’s with you.
Christ I’m so surprised by how many guys here are saying not to worry about it. This is what’s fucked up about our society is that we give a pass for men to be pervs. Oh yeah it’s normal. All guys are perverts so just let it be. Well, what about your feelings? Should you just let that be too?
As a guy who was once that gross ass creep, let me give you some insight on what your husband’s state of mind might be.
I was doing the exact same thing with pics of my exes. My now wife, discovered these pics and videos when were about 4 years in. Basically, she confronted me and, long story short, my porn addiction was discovered. Took a very long time for me to get my shit together. We’re in a much better place now.
Not saying your husband has a similar issue, but I can’t help to feel that I was on the same boat. The fact that I was hiding nudes of my exes meant that I also was hiding other shit, like several accounts on porn sites, paid interactions for cyber sex, and a stash of porn in a few thumbdrives. Afterall, nudes of exes, especially having videos of sex with them, in a form is pornography.
you guys are married in your late 20’s. He needs to man up and grow out of such behaviors. You need to confront him. First tell him that there’s something you guys have to talk about. Then look him in the eyes and ask him if there is anything you should know about. Observe his gestures: see if he breaks eye contact, says “no” while nodding his head, or starts to fidget in any way. Obviously he won’t tell you. Ask him one more time, if he starts to breathe a little harder, then he’s definitely keeping bigger secrets than just that stash of ex porn.
You gotta tell him what you discovered and that you were hoping he’d be honest with you at the moment that you asked. He might gaslight you in saying shit like “why were you looking through my stuff” Well guess tf what? You had a horrible hunch and you were right. Maybe if he wasnt keeping a secret, you wouldnt have felt the hunch tug at your curiosity.
Good luck. If he might have a problem, know that it will take a ton of hard work between both of you. That is, if you feel that the marriage is worth salvaging.
I can’t believe guys here telling you not to sweat it. You’re lying to yourself if you don’t think this goes any deeper than it may seem.
I personally don’t think you have anything to worry about, but not talking about it will eventually strain the relationship. It’s best to be honest about what you saw and how you felt. And if you checked his phone with the intention of finding something then you also need to be transparent with him, but more importantly, with yourself about why you felt the need to check. If you just felt like checking (which is also a valid reason) then let him know that as well. I think you have to talk about it so it doesn’t fester into something bigger than it actually is.
Also, remember that feelings are always valid. If that made you feel uncomfortable or upset or affected your self esteem, then you should definitely let him know so you can hear his side of the story and you can feel reassured. Who knows, maybe he did forget about them, but you’ll only know and feel at ease if you communicate with the person you married.
Fucked around and found out. No conversation of the invasion of privacy. Those were his cherished life experiences and you snooped. He should be allowed to keep that. If you wanna have a conversation with him about them making you uncomfortable, I’d expect to have a conversation about how you invaded his private space. Private hidden folder even!
Comparison is the thief of joy. Centering yourself in his past that was prior to your entire relationship. Makes you feel icky? That’s valid but I think it’s wrong to demonize his actions or choices. You should work through those emotions on your own without putting it to him to deal with your emotions
Seems like he’s been made out to have crossed some implied and unspoken boundary. I think it would be toxic impose punishment without having any sort of conversation regarding emotions/boundaries regarding past relationship memorabilia. But to take somebody’s past away from them like that is rly rooted in your own insecurity about the present; maybe check in with yourself about what would make you feel cherished/wanted- and then ask for that/ discuss your need for being wanted/cherished with him
You’re married and he doesn’t save yours. You would be justified in feeling absolutely fucking upset. There’s no need to keep videos or photos after you split from someone. Especially after you have married someone else. He has them in a hidden folder so he was HIDING them because he knows it’s wrong.
Plus it’s creepy. After you break up you delete the nudes. It’s common courtesy.
Tell him to get rid of the garbage. Or just do it for him.
Unpopular opinion, but as a 29F, I cherish my experiences with exes and I’d love to have held on to videos/pictures.
It in no way compromises or affects my current relationship, and I’d give hubby the benefit of the doubt on that one. These people that are part of your past, and especially the most intimate moments between you two, they become part of you.
I honestly don’t see this as a red flag. But, given that it hurts you, I think you need to have a conversation with him about it. Maybe show him your post here if that’s easier?
Main message though, don’t panic! It’s a fact of life that exes are important to your heart even after you’re no longer in love with them. I’m a firm believer that you’ll always have love for exes (that aren’t abusive of course) and cherish those intimate moments with them in the past.
This is a hard one. I think one of the things I find tough about these things is I’m not bothered by things many women get upset by – like if my guy is liking Instagram models pics, looking at porn etc it doesn’t bother me at all. I have a bunch of nudes my ex sent me and if a new partner asked me to not have any I would delete them but I also know they don’t mean I still want him at all. You’re going to get a lot of “I couldn’t handle that” comments on this post and I encourage you to figure out what *you* are concerned about, not how others think you should feel.
From my point of view it sounds like the negative feelings you’re having is more insecurity than anger or jealousy. I think that could pretty easily be remedied by having a conversation with him. You want reassurance that the reason he keeps them isn’t due to him missing her or wanting her more. I think that’s absolutely fair and valid. You’ll probably have to come clean about seeing them, but if he’s going to keep them he has to know this could happen at some point.
ETA: since I can’t reply to the commentor below I’m adding it here:
Why do you assume that I’m not having conversations about any of this with anyone? My ex and I had long conversations about what we were ok with each other keeping if we broke up and what we weren’t.
If I started dating someone I would have a conversation with them about what boundaries we have around those things. They don’t have to volunteer the information because I would ask. Communication is like, really magical.
We all (or almost all) have these types of pictures. Nothing to do with how committed he is to you. Just put it in the rear view mirror and respect his sphere of privacy.
I personally don’t see it as an issue (as long as the other party also knows he kept the nudes) but if it’s something that bothers you then talk about it, he’s allowed to like the pictures still, but he should prioritize your relationship over memories/fantasies of his previous relationship. It’s also unlikely, but possible, that he just doesn’t ever think about those pictures and has them without really knowing
I just found out today that some old photos of an ex were in my hidden folder. I hadn’t remembered putting them there over 5 years ago, and after I intentionally deleted all sexual photos of my exes. It could be an oversight, especially if all that’s there are those pics.
You need to talk to you husband first to determine whether he “kept nudes of his ex” or “forgot to delete nudes of his ex he hasn’t even looked at in years”
I have tons of random apps and things on my phone/computer that I have forgotten about for years
There is absolutely no way in hell I would be comfortable with this. I would be very curious why he kept them and hope that he would delete them at present. It would leave thee worst taste in my mouth if that were my partner, fuuuuuk that.
I have some from before I was married. Nostalgia. I don’t worry about saving them with my current wife of 25 years because I enjoy taking new ones.
The red flag is searching through his phone.
Hello I’m a red flag. Nice to meet you. The moment he became your husband it’s time to delete those old photos. You could turn it around on him and say let’s replace them with some new ones of us. Looking at porn is one thing but I feel like fantasizing about an ex to old photos and videos is not a good idea.
A lot of justification for how snooping is fine. Ends don’t justify the means folks. I’m sure your lack of trust in him and his soon to be lack of trust in you will work out great for your relationship. “But the pictures!” is not the kind of rallying cry I’d want to say at divorce court.
>It was a little shocking to see, but I think if I had pictures like that I might have saved them too.
☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️
I guess all the sinless hive-minded Reddit Karens trying to tell OP to go fucking nuclear must’ve missed this little nugget and the entire paragraph that it’s part of while trying [and spectacularly failing] to contain their proxy self-righteous indignation that a man who the OP herself said loves and treats her really well for not passing their ridiculous bullshit purity test.
Snooping through people’s private things even in a relationship or marriage is NOT ok and is more of a breach of trust than having a folder of OLD NUDES that he may not even realize he even has any longer ffs🤯
OP, if he was still communicating with this girl(s) then that would absolutely be an issue, but obviously from what you said after snooping through his phone, that’s clearly not the case. I wouldn’t sweat this too much though honestly as most men who had any kind of sex life prior to getting married probably have pics/videos like those whether they admit it or not. If you decide this is something that you’re not comfortable with then be an adult and have a calm, but direct conversation with him, b/c it sounds to me like this is more of a sexual insecurity issue about the reasons behind why he still has these than the fact that he actually has them. From the sounds of it the reassurance that he doesn’t have them because she was better in bed than you will make all the difference in the world here.
Hmm we don’t even know if he still looks at them? How hidden is this folder if you can open it without a passcode anyways? I don’t know if I’d immediately go through my phone and look for old nudes just to delete them once I start a new relationship, but that doesn’t mean I regularly look at them. He probably sees your nudes in your text window where it’s easy to open them from, there’s no reason to save them in any fancy folder. Is she around in his every day life to this day? If not, I’d say let it go. Bringing it up would be smart also but he is going to definitely have something to say about going through his phone which might cause a problem in itself.
I think you owe more a conversation with yourself. You clearly are getting a bit insecure from watching something you shouldn’t have.
Just remember that he is with you now, and he loves you now. That’s all that matters.
Dear lord. These comments. Keep pushing it on him when it really is just you all be insecure af. They are old pics, given with consent it seems, in a hidden folder that he probably just jerks off to randomly. Y’all so selfish and terrified of anything not monogamy. Beside the point tho. If you guys are monogamous then as long as he doesn’t add new ones I don’t see it being anything more then a means to jerk off. Porn gets stale. If I were you and wanted to tell him your insecurities got the best of you… then you could spin into a sex thing. Be like “At first I didn’t know how to feel.. but then I was jealous..” and then get all sexy and say that you want to be in the folder more. Tell him to take pictures as you guys go at it. Might be a fun spice to the sex life.
Every time I’ve broken up with an ex I’ve immediately deleted our nudes. Seems disrespectful to keep them.
Don’t look on his phone without his permission, this is the red flag. Having pics of exes is NOT cheating, it’s his private life.
From a male perspective on if you do tell him, start with explaining the regret and come from the angle of wanting to talk about. If you come at it calm, collective, and looking for a productive conversation rather than a confrontation it should go well. If you approach this and he flips out, i may have to say that is a red flag
Man — I always wonder how I would feel too!
I don’t think I’d delete all the videos and D-pics in my phone either… so I can’t blame the guy.
He is definitely cranking it to those vids and pics
Dude. Get off HIS phone.