backstory on me, i was sexually assaulted growing up which has given me a complete phobia around any penetration, i feel nauseous and start panicking at any attempt of it. previous boyfriends have dumped me for it because i couldn’t give them penetrative sex (anything else is fine, i still frequently got them to cum.) But they always complained that i was depriving them and ended up cheating and leaving me
me(f20) and my bf (m23) have been together about 2.5 years now, and we used to be very frequently intimate with eachother. he was obsessed with going down on me and getting me to finish and i loved that he didn’t care i couldn’t have sex, he was just very focused on making sure i enjoyed it and i really appreciated that as it was very new to me. i always go down on him too when he’s up for it bc i love it.
in the past 6 ish months our intimacy has gone down and down, and i’m scared it’s because he’s got bored of what we already do. he doesn’t really compliment me anymore or make me feel sexy, he’s told me he feels awkward looking at my nudes which has made me feel horrible about my body knowing he doesn’t enjoy looking at it.
recently i’ve really been wanting to try having sex or atleast fingering, but he never really wants to be intimate with me. i wore stockings and a short skirt n did my makeup the past weekend hoping he’d find me attractive enough to want to do something but he didn’t even seem to notice.
this made me wanna go look at any porn history, so i could maybe know what i could be doing better, what he normally enjoys etc. to my horror it was all gaping buttholes/vaginas, LOTS of penetration, fisting amongst other things.
i feel like i don’t do it for him. he watches girls put their fists in themselves and i can’t even put my finger in me. i feel broken and useless. i’ve been wanting to finally have sex so badly for the past few months but i just don’t feel good enough anymore. i’ve always felt guilty for not being able to give him sex.
it’s neither our fault, i don’t want him to feel guilty or make him feel like he has to do something he doesn’t want to do. nor do i want to force him to stay with me if he’s unhappy sexually or i don’t meet his needs. i’ve tried talking to him about it and he says that everything’s fine and he’s just got a low sex drive but i really feel like somethings wrong.
i don’t know how to feel about this anymore
10 comments
If ur asking for advice I think you definitely need to have an honest conversation with him. Your reasonings are completely valid and you’re willing/able to experiment which is more than most people can do after experiencing something so horrific. No one is at fault here like you said, but going through someone’s, especially ur partner’s porn searches,without his permission, is a violation of his privacy. Being transparent about this and discussing the future is what I would do in your situation. I hope it works out for you and if not that’s ok!
I’d say try therapy if it’s affecting your life to this degree. Look at the different types tho, don’t go straight to normal therapy. Look into ones that specialise in sex, sexual health, sa victims, etc. Goodluck 🙂
((Hugs)). You need to heal something that should never have been broken but as the Japanese capture so well; a vessel broken and repaired by love is more precious and beautiful than the original.
Our bf’s porn habits could mean anything so they’re pointless to consider. My guess is he feels very secure and that leads to him neglecting giving you the affection you need. You need to kindly but firmly share how you feel and what you need. But don’t think he will ever replace the time you need to spend on your own wellbeing.
First and best advice is to talk about this with him.
That being said: Not being able to have intimate sex with your girlfriend might be fine in the beginning, you’re considerate and understand the trauma.
But as time goed by it will become a frustration, without any bad play in tought. Some thibgs might happen if not adressed correctly
1. He’ll eventually force himself on you… Bad idea for him, you and the relationship
2. He will look for sex elsewere. Leaving you or not. You might be ok with this, tough it’s a serious exercice in trust… But it might be a solution if the trauma is too strong. I’m convinced of the sex is sex and love is love theory.
3. He’ll go down porn lane… And it’ll go from one extreme to the other. This doesn’t mean he wants do do what he watches with you (or anyone else for the matter), it just turns him on to watch the extreme stuff. (I watched some crazy shit at a moment, I wouldn’t foe a second think of doing it with or to anyone, but it was fascinating to watch… )
4. You realy have the best man in the world and he puts his sexuality on the side for you.
Maybe I’m wrong but it’s my experience. I am/was on your BF’s side. Story is not completely the same, but the basics are there.
Therefor once again:
-talk talk talk…
-maybe go see a practitioner to help you (eventually group session with bf)
– let go a bit, even if you think you’re not ready, you might be surprised of what you’re capable of. But dont force yourself if the feelings not right.
Ps. I’m sorry for what happened to you. Stay strong.
just to clarify a few things 💗💗 1. my bf literally doesn’t care about sex, he wasn’t having sex before me at all for like a year. he’s not a guy that needs to be sexual i’m only worried because intimacy has dropped dramatically 2. we go on each others phones, for our relationship we’re both ok with that and we don’t have any boundaries around phones within reason. he knows i look. i know he looks 3. everything else in our relationship is good, it’s only this aspect but unfortunately this aspect is a huge thing for me. we both love eachother more than anything and would do anything for eachother 4. i’m not not doing anything about my problem. i know it’s only me who can fix it so i regularly try and touch myself and make myself comfortable with me doing it so i can be comfortable with someone else. i’m not just dooming him to a life of no sex xD
My guess is that you feel particularly vulnerable about this and you are projecting your insecurities on to him. People can be less interested in sex for many reasons. Don’t assume that it is because of this. Maybe he is stressed out, maybe he is upset with you for something totally different.
The reality is that you need to talk to him. Furthermore, unless he is sharing porn with you, you shouldn’t be looking into his porn history. That is a breach of trust.
Aside from finding help and self-care perhaps via therapy. Be very up front with potential partners about your limits. They should understand they aren’t going to be the one to “fix” you.
I could see (low eq) guys thinking you’ll want to fuck them because of their magic dicks. They are probably experiencing dissonance because you pleasure them in other ways and feel entitled to escalate.
So, I tried to read a few comments and the common theme is obviously talk to him which is great. That is the answer. In the end it is the only real answer.
I just wanted to add as a man when you have a partner with past trauma or who is very anxious about sex you compartmentalize alot. There is practically zero chance he isn’t. Something I feel like you need to stress to him is that you are slowly comming around to the idea of penetration and want to try it with him. However to be comfortable with that and work to it you really really need him to be honest. Good and bad about how he feels about your sex life. This also means you should be ready to hear about his frustration. Don’t hide from it, don’t let it turn into guilt on your part, but find positive ways to embrace that. Ways to acknowledge it and maybe even thank him. Meanwhile accepting it and still working towards a fuller sex life together. Trust me if he is a good man opening up will be tough. He is probably terrified to open up for fear of hurting you. You must convince him that is what you need and even if it hurts a bit it is how you will grow and get a fuller better sex life which is what you ultimately want. Also that you ultimately want it with him.
At no point have you written the word ‘therapy.’
It’s not your fault that you have issues with penetration. But I would not date somebody who has those issues and doesn’t seem to have tried basic steps to address those issues.
So consider getting real help!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this…sexual assault is a horrible and vile thing that affects its victims for a very long time. Therapy can help.
If you want to cut to the chase, and possibly end your relationship, you can ask, “Be honest. Do you want to break up?”
Only ask if you’re willing to hear the answer. It might lead to a deeper conversation as well.
I admire the way he satisfied you and did not cross your boundaries. So, he’s a good guy, I would say. But I also feel that something about the relationship has changed (maybe he does need PIV after all, and that’s NOT your fault).
Do you want to live with uncertainty or do you want to get to the bottom of it?
And, please, please find a therapist who will help you feel better. <3