I have known this friend since high school, let’s call her L. We were good friends all throughout HS – fell a bit out of touch starting in college and wouldn’t talk much. L and I eventually reconnected a few years ago over text message. I was moving to her city so we started talking, and then I started a group chat with our two other HS friends, so we just naturally got acquainted again. Present day and over the last year, we talk semi frequently. Our group chat talks basically everyday, but L doesn’t always join in, and doesn’t post in it nearly as often as I do. Although we live in the same city, L and I don’t get together all that often – maybe once every few months. I chalk this up to her having a busy life, being engaged, etc.
Last year, L got engaged and I was so happy for her. I really felt like we had gotten closer through this group chat so I think of her as a good friend. L excitedly told our HS groupchat she got engaged, sent a pic of the ring, etc. and we all congratulated her. A month later, she had her engagement party and invited us, but only I could come since the others live far away. One of the others made a comment that she was sad she couldn’t make it but was “100% there for the bachelorette” and L responded “yes, you guys will definitely be invited!” This made me really happy since I felt like our friendship was affirmed, and I even thought maybe I’ll be a bridesmaid! L had never indicated the bridesmaid part, but I wanted to know anyway, so I brought it up to her jokingly one night. She said that she hadn’t decided yet. OK, no big deal…fast forward a few more months, L chose her college friends to be her bridesmaids – again, no big deal, whatever. I thought it was OK since I thought I’ll still go to the bachelorette.
Then, I had dinner with L yesterday and she brought up her bachelorette party. She said that her bridesmaids were planning most of it and they had recently decided together to make it bridal party only. Her reasons were that when she got engaged, she had originally thought she wanted a more casual bachelorette in our city, where she would invite friends outside the bridal party. But as time went on, her bridesmaids told her they wanted to go out of state for a long weekend/turn it into a vacation. Once it turned into a vacation, she wanted it to be smaller and just her bridal party. She apologized to me for changing the plans and admitted she didn’t think I would want to come anyway since it had turned into something bigger than just one night out. L reiterated that she loves me and cherishes me as a friend and can’t wait to celebrate at her wedding together. But she said that this was the way the plan ended up and she was sorry for mishandling it.
Now even though she apologized I still feel upset and not sure what to believe. I feel like I misread our friendship or something. I will say I never got an official email invite or anything to the bachelorette – it was just that one offhand text mentioning her future bachelorette. But because of that text, I thought I was invited. I’m wondering if I should even attend the wedding anymore. Should I confront my friend about it or just let this go?
**tl;dr:** Reconnected with an old friend a few years ago. This friend got engaged last year, I thought I was going to be a bridesmaid then wasn’t chosen, but she mentioned offhandedly that I’d be invited to the bachelorette party. Recently the bride took me aside and told me the party was downgraded to bridal party only due to a group decision and apologized to me. Should I confront my friend about this or let it go? I’m debating attending the wedding anymore. Other than this, she is a good friend and has never really done anything shady or rude.
20 comments
No. It’s a wedding preparation, those can be serious family clusterfucks. She needs to get through a super stressful week, and she is in a tough situation.
It’s one party that’s not even so much a party as a defragging and blowing off the stress from preparations. You are friends, she had to do something hard to manage family.
You didn’t get an official invite and she thought of you enough to tell you how things turned out. She’s being truthful in that usually it’s not the bride who plans the bachelorette party so it would be the bridesmaids behind this so I wouldn’t get too upset about it.
She handled this with a lot of grace and love for you! Your friendship has gotten much closer, and it’s possible that you were feeling closer to her than she was to you. That was probably confirmed when she asked her college friends to be bridesmaids – she just has a closer bond with them after being in college together and then having a continuing friendship. HS friends – especially rekindled friendships – are just different! She definitely wanted to protect your feelings with the way she told you. No official invitation was given, but she remembered your desire to go and she made sure to tell you how the plans had changed. She reiterated her love and appreciation for you, and honestly, it’s totally fair for her to assume that you wouldn’t want to go on a vacation with her and her bridesmaids (who you don’t know.) In fact i’d call it considerate! Imagine if she HAD assumed that a bunch of people would shell out for a vacation!
Don’t skip her wedding, you would regret that. She values your friendship and is trying to navigate healthy boundaries. Good luck OP 💗
I’m not sure what there is to confront about – you made the assumption that you were going to be invited, she’s really not responsible for that. She thought maybe she would have a larger casual party but never committed, never sent out invites and the plan changed. She was kind enough to explain to you the reasoning as to why you weren’t invited when she very easily could have just not said a word. It’s really not uncommon to be invited to the wedding but not the bachelorette party.
To be blunt: you’re turning her celebration into a pity party for yourself because you created scenarios of being a bridesmaid, being part of the party, etc. It’s fine to feel a little hurt but to confront her and not go to the wedding is pretty silly
I think you should give L a break. You’ve stated she isn’t prone to shady behaviour… so I’m kinda confused as to why you aren’t taking her word for what’s happened?
I don’t even think she did anything wrong here, and she acknowledged and apologized for the missteps she *did* arguably take.
I’ve been involved in enough weddings to know they are full of unpredictable surprises and plan changes. The bride and groom can do everything right and something is still going to go wrong. Even the most joyful and wholesome weddings are the product of some level of stress in pre-planning.
The bachelorette is typically planned by the MOH with assistance from the bridesmaids. In some wedding parties, the bride will give a lot of direction for this party; in other wedding parties, the bride is basically surprised by her MOH.
I feel like L just lost control of her bachelorette and she did what she could to be honest with you about it. Confronting her would only add to her stress. That’s not a very nice thing to do to a bride to be IMO.
It’s okay to be upset. Let yourself feel your feelings. But I suggest you work towards letting go of those feelings in the long-run.
Her explanation is really reasonable. This all seems really reasonable and I don’t really think you have a right to be upset. Plans are allowed to change. She was really direct with you because she obviously cares about your feelings. This is her wedding. She doesn’t owe you a big bachelorette party. Her wedding isn’t about you.
There’s nothing to let go of. You didn’t make the cut and that’s okay.
I get why you’re feeling how you’re feeling. I don’t think you should take this personally, it’s not a reflection of if your friendship, it’s just that plans changed. That could be for a number of reasons that probably have nothing to do with you.
I’m 30 so I’ve gone to a lot of weddings. One time I was a bridesmaid and we had planned a bachelorette party that included a few additional friends and while it was so much fun, the costs were crazy but it was worth it. For my best friend’s wedding we kept it just to the bridal party and that was just as fun but also a different experience.
I once had a friend who had to bring her bridesmaid number down to 5 after having 7 for budget reasons. Another took it from 5 to 3 because she preferred how 3 bridesmaids would look on video. So try not to take it too personally
You could tell her you’d still like to do something to celebrate her engagement, and invite her to a spa day or etc.
I agree with the other comments; she was kind and upfront about your non-invitation and seems apologetic. If she’s your friend and you want to see her get married, then go see her get married. Frankly, this is a stressful time for her and it’s not about you; weddings are not the time for tit-for-tat equal friendship exchanges. You have to give a little more than you get right now. You can be sad about it for sure, but confronting her is not the move, in my opinion.
How soon is the wedding? Maybe you and the other 2 high school friends can take her out locally one night or do brunch. Or have a girls weekend after she gets married….
Bride doesn’t host the bachelorette. She is the guest of honor hosted by other(s). She spoke prematurely when she should not have.
Honestly, this is someone you just chat with online and every few months see in person. Get over it. Don’t expect her or her friends to give your relationship any more importance than you do.
She sounds like a great friend.
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she sounds pretty genuine to me and it makes sense as a smaller group is easier to organize for a party/trip like that. you seem a little shallow to throw a whole friendship away and not support her marriage just because you can’t go to a party.
This sounds mostly out of her control. Her bridal party decided to keep it BP only. Assuming they are the ones paying for it, they get final say on the guest list.
If your group chat wants a more laid back party that you can all attend, then I would suggest that you ask her if you all can throw her a second bachelorette party.
It wasn’t fair of you to assume or ask if you’d be in the bridal party. That’s something you wait to be invited for.
This was a bit cringe to read… Honestly, was L some type of idol of yours in high school? I don’t understand why you wouldn’t go to the wedding because of this. She hasn’t done anything wrong. I hope you let this go and not confront her or make her uncomfortable.
I got so butthurt about being left out of close friend’s wedding ~20 years ago after originally being told that I’d be in it that I skipped the wedding. Our relationship recovered but it took years, and I regret it to this day. To your credit you’re not indicating that you’d do anything like that, but try not to get too caught up in this; as others have said, the bride is probably not the planner and she went out of her way to try to clear the air with you and reinforce how much you mean to her. Don’t be a dummy like me and get hung up on this, be happy for her and let this one go. As someone else suggested, offering to take her out for a spa day or something to celebrate with her one-on-one is a fantastic idea!
It sounds like she’s genuinely sorry, but she changed her plans and just wants a small group.
I get the impression that you thought you guys were closer than you are. I’m sorry – it sucks to realise this. But there’s nothing to confront her about.
It also sounds like she may have realised you were excited about the bachelorette and told you in person to let you down gently.
She’s still your mate, and clearly values you, she just doesn’t see you in the same way you see her. Now you know this, you can decide if you want to keep hanging out or not.
I wonder if OP thinks she’s better friends with the bride to be than she actually is. Expected to be a bridesmaid? Why?
She did more than enough by giving you an explanation (and a good one at that). I’ve been in 6 weddings. I’m telling you that they are STRESSFUL and the bride NEEDS to prioritize herself right now. She seems like a lovely friend. I wouldn’t give this an ounce of thought. Its hurtful, I know. But dont think it is anything deeper than what she told you. Planning all these little events before the wedding is draining. She is right to just have a bridemaid trip (3 of the weddings I was in did the same) so she can relax a little with fewer people.
Don’t take this as a reflection of your friendship. Don’t confront her. She loves you but can’t please everyone.