I (31M) feel like my partner (32F) has lost interest in me after depressive episodes?

Hi everyone,

Thanks for clicking. I am currently in the situation where it feels like my partner of 7 years doesn’t have any romantic/loving interest in me any more.

Context: We have two sons (5 and 3) and when our first son was born I fell into a paternal depression and ended up being useless and suicidal for the first three months of his life. I was currently a doctoral student and the pressure of becoming a good dad really got to me. She’s never been outspoken or touchy-feely but after this it felt like our trust was broken.

Fast forward to last year, I had been working really hard to earn my PhD and took on way too many things and fell into yet another (very) deep depression.

After all this, she never tells me that I look beautiful or pays much of any interest in what I do. We both have a great relationship with our kids, but it just feels like life is going on auto pilot. We joke and watch tv together, but it just doesn’t feel like she wants to touch me or to look at me.

Here is what I feel guilty about: She has switched jobs twice in the past year that has put her under alot of mental strain. I have tried to be supportive and talk about it, and also to reaffirm even more how beautiful and good she is. Am I just being selfish and needy?

I feel really bad about feeling this way, but I frankly feel lonely and really unattractive. I have spoken to her about it before which helped things for a few weeks, but this morning she didn’t even want to kiss me. She said that she “wanted to want to, but she doesn’t”.

All this guilt and loneliness is slowly grinding me down. Does anyone have similar experiences? Any opinions, suggestions?

TL;DR: Partner shows less interest in me after depressive episodes, but is also under a lot of pressure herself. Am I being selfish?