Hi.
Me (24f) and my bf (24m) have been dating for almost 3 years now.
I am however having a hard time forgetting what happened and need tips moving on.
So, within 4 months of dating, I had the worst UTI of my life (he gave it to me as his hygiene was shit). Had to take painkillers every few hours, couldn’t eat, shivering, fever, literal death for few days.
He came over and made soup for me, and stayed with me for some days when he wasn’t doing things but we still had sex regardless if I felt like shit because he naturally has a high sex drive and we have sex couple times a day when I wasn’t. But somewhere between those days, from his perspective, because I was singing with my roommate and looked “fine” he thought I was okay. And he had sex with me, but halfway through, my symptoms came back in full force (cause the painkillers wore off) and I was wrapped up in the blanket like a burrito shivering and sweating while he fucked me. I didn’t have the energy to say no I just wanted him to finish so I just laid there while he did.
I just feel like, my bf shouldn’t have had Sex with me in the first place that whole week I was living off painkillers. He has changed since, and has apologised and know that he’s wrong. But I just can’t seem to move on. And always have my guard up.
7 comments
If you didn’t want to, you should have said no. If you are used to having sex “a couple of times a day” and you let him do it, you essentially gave consent. You are allowed to say no when you don’t feel up to it.
Excuse me for my french ..”That was a classic cunt move”.
Time to think about your relationship
Have you told him that you cannot let this go and keeping your guard up? Has this affected you wanting sex with him?
My guess is that you cannot move on because essentially you were sexually assaulted, i.e. being forced to have sex. SA induces trauma. See a therapist who specializes in trauma. Maybe several sessions of EMDR?
The way you say “he had sex with me” makes it sound like sex is something one person go and do to the other person, arbitrarily and independently of the “receiving part” ‘s wish. The story also lacks details to the point everyone who answer will probably project on it. So, ti give a less biased perspective we need to know: Have you not said no out of fear, or as it seems to be the case, because you feel like whenever your bf wants to “have sex” it’s not your call to “prevent” him? Or have you said no but he kept going anyway?
I think you should go to sex therapy together and maybe also go just by yourself. Cause you need to figure out if can still be with him and get through this. You guy can talk about this all you want but you might not trust what he’s saying. With a sex therapist they will be able help figure out if you can ever trust him. A sex therapist will bring questions that you guys on your own would not think of. They will suggest ways of testing the waters to see if you could ever feel comfortable having sex with him again. But if you or he won’t go to a sex therapist then just breakup. If you do breakup with him you still need to go to sex therapy by yourself. Otherwise this will haunt you for the rest of your life effecting all your relationships. Not dealing with this trauma will eventually prevent you from having a sex life at all. So go to sex therapy.
Full disclosure, I’ve never read the book, I just really like the title. There is a book called “The Gift of Fear” that talks about abusive relationships. That title is really important. Fear is your body telling you that you need to escape. Your body is looking out for you. If you can’t move on its not because you failed to forgive, it’s because you shouldn’t forgive. Break up with him. Don’t date someone who you don’t feel safe with. I don’t care to debate the minutiae of consent here. To me it doesn’t matter if what he did was illegal, it matters that a good partner would have cared, and you should never have to beg someone to care about your wellbeing.
When you say that he had sex with you, do you mean that you consented and would have appeared to him to have been into it?
Or do you mean that you just laid there silently and didn’t tell him no but your body language was saying no and he should have been aware of that?
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Sex while being ill is for some people ok, and for some people it’s not – there’s no rule about this except for the rules we make for ourselves based on how we’re feeling at that exact moment in time.
So – i guess what you need to figure out is whether he thought you were ok and into it or not.
If he knew you weren’t into it, you need to seriously consider what you’re going to do next.