I know, I know; “don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to.” But I legitimately thought that I was going to be told that I am his best sexual partner. I was honest with my boyfriend that he is the best sexual partner I’ve ever had, and I assumed he would say I was his.
He instead said that I’m “up there,” and when I pressed him, he eventually admitted that I wasn’t the best he’s had. When I became really upset, he told me he was just being honest and didn’t want to lie to me.
I suggested he should have given me a white lie. Even if it’s the truth that someone else was a better sexual partner, what purpose is it to tell your current partner that? It’s like if I told my boyfriend that an ex of mine was more attractive than him; even if that was true, why would I say that?
I eventually bit the bullet, understanding that I can somewhat appreciate that he was honest with me. I asked what I could improve, and what he was into sexually. He answered that he didn’t feel comfortable telling me that information; not because he has weird fetishes, but because he’s concerned that I’m going to react negatively to what he’d share. He said he wanted to tell me when he felt more comfortable, and said I could ask this question again in 3 months. I don’t know what’s so significant with those 3 months.
I asked him how he would feel if I told him he wasn’t my best lover, and didn’t want to tell him what I’m into. He claimed that learning that wouldn’t bother him and he would respect that I didn’t want to tell him that information. Well, if that’s true, I can at least give him points for being consistent.
He then told me if I really couldn’t wait for him to feel comfortable sharing his preferences, I could do some online research on “male anatomy” to teach myself and experiment on him to see if he positively responds to anything. (?? Which I feel like is more complicated and unnecessary than just communicating what he’s into.)
He criticized my reaction to all of this, and said it wasn’t a big deal, that I’m crying about something really small and unimportant. He also said that it should be “good enough” that he considers me as a “pretty great sexual partner,” and I shouldn’t care about being the best. Maybe I shouldn’t care so much; I know, but this is something that’s been ruminating in my head constantly. My brain doesn’t really know what to do with this information because I’m not being told how to be a better partner for him. I want to at least try then fail, not fail at the start.
He’s now insisting that I don’t need to improve anything because I’m a “good enough” partner, not a bad one. My brain keeps telling me that doesn’t make sense to me. Of course there’s something I’m not doing right if he was so open to tell me that I’m not his best partner.
I’m really trying here. I’ve explained to him several times that it’s hard coping with being told you’re not the best sexual partner, while not being given any tips on how to become that. I don’t even feel like being intimate with him because of these arguments. I don’t understand why bother being honest with me if he’s then going to withhold information on how I can actually be a better sexual partner. I need some guidance here.
TL;DR- BF said I wasn’t his best sexual partner, but won’t tell me what I can do to improve. He said to wait at least 3 months for him to feel comfortable enough telling me. The situation I’m in really upsets me, but he’s just criticizing my reaction to all of this.
7 comments
normally criticizing your reaction would be wrong however you asked him a question and put him in a no win situation, you kinda have to realize there was a very real possibility he would say what he did. on the positive you now know even when its uncomfortable your bf will not lie to you.
How long have you been together, and how long have you been having sex with him?
You shouldn’t have asked, and you shouldn’t have expected to be someone’s best. You don’t need to be someone’s best sexual partner for the two of you to have a great sex life. I’m not sure why you are so fixated on that. It doesn’t mean sex with you isn’t great. It doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong or not doing something essential. It just means he has had better sex. That’s really not a big deal.
However, my guess from what he said would be he is into prostate stimulation, since that is supposed to feel really good and improve an orgasm for at least some people with prostates. Unless you are missing something obvious about his anatomy. The head of the penis tends to be the most sensitive part and there’s that little bit near the top that tends to be very sensitive. Or just wait three months and find out.
He has no issues with your sex life and is happy with it. You are actually the one unhappy with not being “the best” sexually.
Why is this a competition for you? He’s told you point blank that it’s not a problem for him. So stop trying to frame this as something you are doing for him, from my perspective you are doing this to try to placate your insecurities.
You need to really think about why this bothers you.
And no… you telling him, unprompted, that your ex is more attractive is not the same thing at all. Because he’s never asked that and likely never will, because why does it matter? You’re not with your ex anymore, you are with him.
I mean this kindly, but this is an excellent example of playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes.
I’m not sure why your boyfriend won’t tell you what he wants and instead wants to put up arbitrary timelines and send you out on research trips. Does he play on your insecurities in other ways, or is this an isolated incident?
It could be that he just isn’t comfortable enough with you yet, and he threw out “three months” just to give himself some space. In that case, pushing him about it won’t make him more comfortable. If you want to stay with him, then the best thing you can do is stop bringing this subject up, and focus on enjoying the aspects of your relationship that are pleasurable, in and out of bed. When your brain wants you to ruminate on whether you’re “the best” or not, imagine crumpling up that thought like a sheet of paper and throwing it in the wastebasket, and find some activity to distract you.
He wants you to peg him.