Let me preface this by saying I love my gf absolutely. She’s gorgeous, nice, my parents like her everything. But she’s emotionally immature. She acts almost exactly like one of my exes whenever I try to talk about my feelings. She’ll shut down and flip it on me and I end up having to apologize for bringing it up. We used to argue a bit about me being insecure about other guys trying to talk to her but I understand I was in the wrong then. My issue is that whenever i would bring those insecurities up calmly she would get angry and then ignore me for hours or at the most 2 days. After the second day I had enough and blocked her. She then texted me crying saying she was going to apologize but didn’t know how. Now I know it looks like that’s bs but I believe her because her parents are currently separated for the same reason. Her dad cheated, and her mom ignored him for 2 years. So I wonder if she just learned that from her mom?
Anyway, I haven’t been bothering her as much because I know I won’t get any reassurance from her, only arguing. But last night really pissed me off. She’s been following this one fitness guy for a couple months and last night I saw that he followed her back. She had a private page for a while and would take me off her page sometimes so I figured she was trying to get him to follow her back. Whatever just insecurities, I didn’t bother her about it.
Instead I used it as motivation to go to the gym. Put on DND and worked out for 2 hours. Felt much better after and saw that she texted “are you mad at me” cause i only use DND when i’m upset. I told her I was anxious earlier but I’m great now. She got mad and basically said it’s not okay for me to ignore her for 2 hours because I was anxious when she isn’t doing anything wrong. But told her I was just at the gym not ignoring her. Basically she thought I was upset with her for liking the guy’s pics. I calmly told her that I was upset with myself for not being fit like him and I wanted to focus on having a good workout. The entire situation was about my anxiety and me doing things to help my confidence. But she wouldn’t let up. It was like she was dead set on me being upset at her liking the guy’s pics when I didn’t care about that. Neither of us were in the wrong in my mind until she got mad at me.
The reverse of this situation would be me liking some makeup gurus pics so that they would follow me, then getting mad at my GF for trying to improve her make up cause she’s anxious. It doesn’t make sense?
So after all that I felt like what’s the point? When she has anxiety about something I put her feelings first and help her through it. But she’s never done that for me. I’m always in the wrong for having anxiety in the first place. So I told her I don’t think the relationship will work because I have no method of communicating with her. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells even when it’s her fault. She called me crying and said it won’t be like that anymore. And I said okay we’ll work it out.
Finally, she’s just texted me saying she’s still recovering from everything last night so she wants to be left alone for 2 hours. I understand that she’s upset because I tried to break up with her, but why do I feel so bad about it even thought she was in the wrong? Why do I feel like I still have to apologize when she’s the one that put me on the backburner? Am I just in the wrong?
TLDR; My GF gets mad at me whenever I have anxiety and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to talk about my feelings. My last straw was when she got mad at me for going to the gym because I wanted to look fit like a guy that she’s obviously attracted to.
5 comments
So one thing I want to point out that doesn’t seem like it’s mentioned often here – you talk about how your insecurities are what caused this… Bottom line is, it is okay to have a problem with a partner who hangs out and is friends of the opposite sex. If they want to do that and aren’t willing to respect your boundaries it means it’s not a good fit.
Unhook her, let her find a guy who is okay with this stuff. And you find someone who won’t do it to you.
You can’t communicate with someone who doesn’t want to communicate. There’s not much you can do except find someone else who will communicate with you and you won’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
I had an ex like her and after a lot of therapy, I found that I was in an abusive relationship. Reading your post took me back to when I was least happy with the situation that I had let happen. Remember that you matter, your feelings matter and you deserve to be with someone that will respect you enough to not fly off of the handle when you’re dealing with your anxiety. A good partner would help you when you need it most and your gf is most definitely not that person.
I would advise that you just break off all ties with her and move on with your life. She needs a lot of therapy and counseling.
If you can’t communicate with someone, you can’t have an authentic relationship with them either.
This is so classic. You need to either be comfortable with her being mad at you because you got upset because she did something, or break up with her. This is one of those things that slowly festers and gets worse and it fucking sucks.
You need to remain calm, and ask her why am I upset. Make her say it, and then just don’t engage when she starts acting unreasonably.