The classic question: he (34m) won’t marry me (27f), how do I let go and leave?

33 comments

1. Grab that dog and go. If you are financially stable shouldn’t be an issue. You got this

2. He essentially told you he wouldn’t marry you (assuming that was your ultimatum) so what is left? What is actually keeping you around?

3. >he has said he does want to marry me at some point but continues to provide excuse on why it can’t happen yet. He doesn’t fully trust me, but can’t provide tangible reasons for why he doesn’t. He just says “we need to improve our relationship more”.

   If he is unable to provide concrete examples of what improvements would be or was unwilling to work with a counsellor, therapist, or mediator to work on whatever trust issues he’s referring to …. he was probably never serious about those things, just using them as cover for his unwillingness to commit long-term.

   Why would you have to leave the dog? Why shouldn’t you keep the dog?

   As for being brave enough to leave … you kind of just have to do it. Ask for help from your friends and family. Work with a therapist on your own to understand your feelings and fears. And just do it.

4. Leave. Tell yourself and him that it’s a one-month break. Make a profile on a dating app! Even if you don’t plan to date! It will be hard in the first couple of days, but I swear – You’ll be amazed at much of a weight is lifted and how much better you feel about, well, everything.

5. You said he doesn’t fully trust you. Then it’s not about marriage or engagement. You shouldn’t even be dating someone who doesn’t trust you.

6. Go look for a good therapist and do some inner work on yourself to figure out why you feel unable to leave him. Maybe also read this book “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood. (Seem to be recommending it to a lot of women on Reddit lately. 🙂).

7. Did your ultimatum include the fact that you will leave if his answer is no? If it did and you don’t leave then you have ceded all power in your relationship to him and he knows that you will never follow through when you set a boundary with him.

   You want to be married, he has told you that will not happen with him. You accept that and stay or you move on. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy but you need to know if you’re willing to do without marriage and not be resentful.

8. While I personally don’t think marriage is that big of a deal (I’m not from the US tho and I know there are “benefits” to being married if you are in the US) the main problem here is that it seems like he doesn’t want to have a serious conversation about how you are feeling. And also his words basically say “I’m not against marriage, I just don’t want to marry YOU.” That’s just my interpretation tho.

9. 3.5 years dating, 2 of those years living together & “he doesn’t fully trust you”…wild! I have friends who dated for years before they finally tied the knot! It’s really up to you if you want to wait it out or leave & find someone with the same intentions & life goals as you.

10. You walk

11. It kind of sounds like no matter what you do hes just going to keep moving the goal posts and it will always be something else that has to happen before he can marry you. Just leave.

12. Pack the dog bowl and your dog and go… to a friend’s or family short term while you find something for you and the dog
    then take some time to heal from this relationship.

    When yourcready there will be lots of individuals put there that have the same mindset and goals as you. The one you have now doesn’t.

13. I get you have invested a lot in this relationship. I get that leaving feels like your time and effort were wasted. But it wasn’t. The experience is valuable even if it didn’t work out the way you hoped.

    What *would* be a waste of time and effort is staying after he very clearly let you know this relationship isn’t important to him.

    If you stay, he knows that nothing you stand for means anything. He can just put his foot down and you’ll comply.

    So make some calls, get your friends and family involved to come pick you up. And why should he get to keep the dog? It’s yours too isn’t it?

14. Why can’t he trust you? His past trauma or more to the story?

15. You can absolutely give an ultimatum. What most people do is not to do what they said they would do. So, tell him that you expect a ring in a month and a date to marry in less than a year. At your age you can put together a wedding as long as you don’t bridezilla it.

    As you have given him a month for the ring, start looking at new places to live. Start looking for jobs in cities across the country. Start looking at the bills that are in your name or his name that would have to be switched when you move on. When you start running down the list of things that need to get done to leave him, you will get more and more energized.

    What activities, foods, friends have you given up or lost touch with since you have been together? Think about what your life will look without this guy. Let him look at how his life will be without you.

16. Call the woman you trust most in life – best friend, mom, sister, whoever. Tell him you’ve made a decision to leave and you need help. Set a date and ask them to come help you get your stuff out.

17. I’m not saying it won’t be hard, but you deserve someone willing to commit to you. He has made it clear he’s not willing to marry you, so it’s time to move on.

18. Why would you want to marry someone who cannot give you answers on how to improve the relationship? He doesn’t even know what he wants and seems emotionally immature. This is who he is. He just wants a GF to pass the time and for comfort. He isn’t looking to build a relationship with someone and to put the work into it.

    You don’t have to be brave. You have to realize that you are not compatible and that you are better alone. You are wasting your time before someone’s comfort person. What is he giving you? Nothing really and he is 7 years older. Do you think that in 7 years you would be behaving like he behaves? Does he seem as mature as other 34 year olds? Is his career in a place similar to other 34 year olds you look up to or where you’d like to be?

19. LEAVE

    Somewhere deep down you know that you don’t want to settle for this guy who isn’t wholeheartedly and elatedly choosing you.

    You deserve someone who desperately wants to marry you. You deserve to be with someone who can’t wait to propose to you.

    Every minute you stay is another minute wasted on someone who just isn’t right for you. You need to leave and get on with your healing, so thst you are In the right place at the right time and the right headspace when you meet Mr Right.

    Don’t fall for sunk cost fallacy. You don’t have to waste any more time on this guy. Wish him well and move on.

    Five years from now you will look back and smile and know it was the best decision you ever made. Temporary pain for long term gain.

20. My closest guy friend from HS has a girlfriend that’s 5 years younger.
    She gave him a public ultimatum.
    Propose by May, or I am out.
    I was visiting them during this particular “fight”.. and do not fully know the GF.. but even I could tell she was full of shit.
    We were at a day party, drinking margaritas together.. when I asked her.. today is the day, right? What’s your plan?
    (I thought it would take all day to pack her shit).. she said she was just going to pack a bag and be out. I didn’t think this was effective, told her as well.

    Anyhow. She packs a bag.. huffs and puffs.. and when I texted my friend asking how he was.. he sent a picture of her in the kitchen, and said “fine”.

    I honestly felt bad for her. My friend does not have the same biological clock that women feel.
    She wants kids.
    He says “maybe in 10 years” .. so when she’s 40?!

    I told him he was being an asshole because he cannot provide her with the life she’s dying for, he just keeps her happy enough to not leave him.

    Whole thing is so sad. She obviously wants HIS babies.. but if that’s not his thought for the next 10 years (and that’s still a maybe) .. then he should leave her and let her find a guy that wants the same.

21. Been there, wasted 10 years. It is hard and hope is hard to kill. Just leave, cry your eyes out and tick off the calendar for each day you don’t try to contact him. Move away, cut off all ties. After 3 months, it will start to be better.

22. You have an ultimatum. The truth is it is okay to want to be married and have kids. It’s also okay for him not to want that. What isn’t okay is for him to lead you on for years and have a moving ‘test’ of what needs to be done ‘before’. That BS!!

    You now know he will not marry you. Now you know you have to leave him to have what you want. The question for you is: how much more time are you going to invest in him knowing you will never have what you want with him? Next thing, if he doesn’t know you are ‘the one’ after 3.5 years then your not his ‘one’.

    The only thing worse than wasting 3.5 years on someone is wasting 3.5 years and one more day. Go OP. He is not your person. Go find the one who is.

23. My mom gave my dad an ultimatum, marry me or I’m leaving. He said no, she left him and moved home and cut contact and four months later he came crawling back and they got married and lived happily ever after

    He’s more likely to marry you if you leave now, than if you wait around, although still no guarantees

24. Start making a list. Pretend you’re a close friend who’s helping someone **else** through a breakup and start with the big items. Make a to-do list. **Once you have a plan, you will stop feeling so lost.**

    * Start with big items: shared bank accounts, take stock of shared big-ticket financial items like cars, tvs, etc. What is the plan? What do you want to do? Are you willing to take a loss just to get out of this situation?
    * Figure out your next living situation. Family? Friends? Rental? Start making calls.
    * Timeline. Once you’ve started ironing out the big items, start planning a timeline for when you need to start doing these things, and which items are contingent upon others.
    * Coming up with a solid plan for everything that needs to be taken care of and then sitting down with him and going through that list like a professional is the very best way to take that next big step.
    * Once you have any answers from him for any items you need to discuss, start ticking things off that list. Make calls, take inventory. Start moving forward.
    * In the down times, when things are quiet and you’re feeling alone and like your life is crumbling, make a second list. Of all the great things you plan to do when you’re finally untangled from this person who doesn’t see your worth. That’s the list you read over and over and add to when you can’t sleep at night or are spending that first night alone in a new place.

    You aren’t pathetic. You are every person who has ever been through a breakup. You are every person who has been in those multi-year relationships and had that moment of clarity when you realize that you two will never see each other as a bride and groom. You’ll never meet at an altar, your friends and family will never cheer you on, and that is not your future together. Many of us have been there. That feeling of utter hopelessness where you can’t imagine what step to take next because a ‘breakup’ seems so overwhelming…. been there. All this time wasted, sunk into this relationship that you know has an ending countdown already ticking.

    Let it go. Start making your list. Godspeed <3

25. Maybe you can ease into breaking up. Say you want a break. I recommend 90 days. AND NO CONTACT DURING BREAKS. That’s approximately how long I expect it takes most people cycle out of “omg I miss them so much it hurts” to “this isn’t that bad” back to “omg it hurts” and then finally to actually noticing all the little ways in which your life is better without them.

    It’ll be easier after that. Just say that the break gave you clarity to see this relationship is going nowhere so your outie.

26. I think you should look at it from this perspective, that he will never marry you. So if you assume that is the case, does that mean it’s over or will you accept living together as you are now?

27. Tell him you want a trial separation. Change your relationship status on your socials to single. Ask him if he wants shared dog custody otherwise you want him. Move to the other bedroom or move in with family or friends. Plan your next housing. Take real steps. You got this. One step at a time.

28. I was in your shoes at 27 and stayed until I was 29.

    Nothing changed. He still didn’t want to marry me.

    I left and ended up with my now husband who loves and appreciates me in a way I could have never imagined because he respects me and I now respect myself.

    You know what you need to do.

29. Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man –Nietzsche

30. my sister dated a guy for 9 years – she wanted to get married, spend the rest of her life with him and he just kept giving her vague excuses as to why they can’t get married right now but the answers were good enough that she stuck around because he made it seem like he would eventually marry her. She stuck around because she loved him but eventually he just kept saying the same excuses, so she packed up, got her own place, cut off all ties with him, rediscovered herself, and married someone who had no problem popping the question after 1.5 years and they are still married to this day

    Do what is best for you!!

31. There’s a difference between waiting to be married to help you out financially and wanting it to happen and both parties agreeing they want it to happen and it not being the right time for marriage. Annnnnnd what you’re dealing with.

    You want to take the next step in the relationship and he doesn’t. Take that as him saying I’m just waiting for someone else that’s better to come along. Don’t wait for it to turn into him leaving and you’re 5 years in wasting your time because he found the right person and he just didn’t want to be alone.

    This also isn’t your fault. He just isn’t meant to be the person that you marry.

32. This screams that there are other issues going on.

33. Question…If the relationship is going well, why do you need to be married?