I’m not sure what to call it, but my husband and I, married almost too months and Christian( we didn’t live together before and lost our virginity to each other); we keep getting in this cycle where we assume the other is mad, (when we aren’t) there might be some frustration, and that lasts for a while until one of us cracks and talks to the other. But we both get too scared to talk to each other when we think the other is mad, we both didn’t have the best environment growing up so we are both “solve” issues with silence.
We did something similar while dating, but being in the same space while doing the same thing is significantly more frustrating.
A lot of times once we start talking to each other we both end up crying and we talk for a while about what’s been going on. And from then on the rest of the day and the next day are super smooth; until somehow we assume the other is mad and the same cycle of one of us asks the other about being mad, we talk, we cry, and then we cuddle and talk and so on.
It feels like each time is the “last” time we do the same thing. But gosh communication is hard!
Any advice for some clueless newlyweds?
Neither of us had ideal parents to model after, and we’ve never had any shouting matches. With exception to once right before the wedding about family issues/drama. We don’t always agree but we usually talk it out without one of us getting emotionally worked up (crying/yelling). But we keep having these “sad arguments” for a lack of a better term.
Any advice would be appreciated!
4 comments
If this is happening every few days I would schedule daily check ins with each other. Find a time where you’re both together and calm every day, meal time is ideal for this. Even if you’ve had a great day, ask each other “How are you feeling today? Is there anything you’d like to discuss?” If there’s any issue, that is the time to bring it up. Having this down in a routine will alleviate any of the scary “should I say something?” vibes.
My wife and I did this for a long time when we first started dating. We both started just clarifying everything better to one another, and if we felt this energy we would honestly and sincerely clear the air.
The most important thing is establishing that we make a lot of assumptions in our interactions with everyone in our lives, but when it comes to your partner we should feel comfortable being very literal and secure that both parties are being sincere. Makes solving every problem infinitely easier.
When the problem is only that
>we both get too scared to talk to each other when we think the other is mad
and the rest works well (as I understood you are able to talk things out in a mature way) then you can find a way to make the first step (approaching the other one) easier. You can negotiate on a signal that says “I think you are mad right now. Am I right? Do you want to talk?” without actual speaking this message, e.g. wave a towel in front of the others eyes, send a specific emoji, hand the other person some specific decoration object.
Hi there! Even though you are experiencing a problem, I think that it is great that you recognized this pattern is an issue and that it is something you want to deal with sooner rather than later.
I think you already received a lot of great advice such as setting up a regular time to check-in with one another or setting up a signal to indicate that you are concerned the other person is upset.
Would you and your spouse consider going to counseling with a pastor or a therapist? Even though there is nothing “seriously wrong” with your relationship, learning how to communicate now will only help you further strengthen your marriage
.As someone who is celebrating their 19th wedding anniversary today (!!! :-D), I would say keep putting Christ first and then one another ahead of yourselves in your relationship and you will be well on your way to a beautiful life that God has planned for you. Much love and blessings to you both!