Me (26F) and my husband (33M) got married last year. I was working in the state I grew up in before we got married, and moved to my husband’s state after our wedding. He grew up in another country, but has worked hard to put down roots here in adulthood, has built a community and has brought his immediate family here as well (they live nearby). His family and friends are lovely and have been very welcoming to me, but they’re probably not the people I would have naturally gravitated towards on my own. I still miss my own family and friends and the feeling of spending time with people who just get me (besides my husband obviously).
I started graduate school a couple months ago, and was excited about the opportunity to hopefully make new friends and possibly even some new couple friends. My husband is in a very demanding military career (not deployed, works locally) and his free time is limited. He prefers to stay in, or if we go out, to go out with his friends and family who we have a close relationship with. I have a different perspective, and would like to attend more social events together (eg. graduate mixers, military spouse meetups) where I can socialize with people I have something in common with and work on making friends. Most of my classmates are early 20s and not married, and I admit I feel a bit of FOMO when I see them all socializing together.
This has caused a bit of conflict between us, as he feels that I am prioritizing friends over spending the limited free time he has together, and it makes him feel like I’m not serious about our marriage/plans for children in the near future. However, I think it’s natural and healthy for me to want to build other close relationships here, so that I have a support system. I do try to schedule coffee meetups, attend events, etc. during the times he is busy as much as I can, but I’m also busy with my own professional demands and so Friday nights, weekends, etc. are usually the times that we’re both free. Has anyone else had a similar experience with their partner? I think our age difference has something to do with it, as he is eager to settle down and have kids and most of his friends are married. Whereas none of my friends back home/from college are married, and I feel like I don’t have any friends who can understand/share the phase of life I’m in.
6 comments
My friends are my chosen family and my husband also has a set of friends who are his. It’s perfectly normal and HEALTHY to spend time nurturing these friendships if they are with or without your partner. Friendships are a wonderful thing and it’s unfair of your husband to make you feel guilty for wanting a set of friends of your own. And tbf, it seems selfish of him to only want t spend time with his friends/family but you can’t find your own set of friends? that’s unfair and controlling, imo.
I spend time with my friends as does my husband with his and we both support this. He just went to a cottage getaway with his friends while I stayed home with the kdis and next month, I’m going to a spa getaway with the girls and he’s home.
I don’t think its the age thing as much as he is insecure about himself and thinks that you are looking outwards for other people and not him. This can be an issue with introverts and extroverts, what is it you are looking for. An introvert goes out looking to find something and then run homes. An extrovert goes home looking for something and run back out. I think you might need to work on some intimacy to help him feel more secure with your lifestyle. This means making time together and talking and sharing. The beauty of extroverts is that they have so many stories because they are out there doing their thing. The more stories you share the more intimacy you are sharing with your partner and building security and trust and love. Plus this is the person he fell in love with and that is something you might need to remind him is that you don’t want to change into someone he is safe for now and then he falls out of love with you because you aren’t the person you used to be. Be the individual he fell in love with and if that person he fell in love with was a lie… thats on you for trapping him.
This is a good experience and growth in your marriage as you are both discovering you are and what your boundaries are. If you are putting yourself in situations that makes him question your fedility… thats on you. If you are getting black out drunk with a bunch of college guys I would be upset about that as well. BUT if he is questioning your fedility because he is insecure then thats on him to address and communicate his feelings.
You started school and we’re excited not about the course but making new friend – misplaced priority.
Instead of being happy that he wants to spend time with you, you are being grumpy that you have to cut time spent with new classmates AND they aren’t your friends , just classmates – misplaced anger and understanding
And you brought in the point of age difference as well. Didn’t you know that at the time of marriage – doubting your own commitments.
To make a monogamous marriage healthy long term , you have to make it your priority no 1. Looks like that not the case with you and you are acting out of misplaced fomo – chasing fantasies.
You liking to socialize is one thing, but trying to live like a single teenage student will blow up .
Spending *all* of your time together doing what *he* wants to do that’s fundamentally unfair. It seems fair that you divide that time into four groups; his friends, his family, time together alone, and time with *your* friends. You’re still getting the short end of the stick with this division since it still excludes your family. He is showing a lack of consideration for *your* needs.
I understand wanting to make a group of your *own* friends in a new place that you’re permanently living in.
If your husband has limited time with you and wants to spend that with you (honestly, it’s really sweet, don’t take that for granted), why don’t you guys try taking turns? For example, if you only get Friday nights, switch every other Friday as date night vs social outing time (his for one week, yours for another, etc). Or whatever frequency works for you.
I would just say to tread carefully making friends with people who don’t have the same priorities as you. In small ways or more, they do have an effect but I’m sure you, an adult, will make smart decisions.
Honestly this is an area where you need to clearly communicate with him that he needs to compromise. You have a perfectly valid need, socialization in grad school is important, it’s not just about the research but about the connections, especially if you’re going for a doctorate.
You need to frame it to him in a way that he can understand, the military has plenty of those mandatory events that I’m sure he attends and drags you to.
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From there you can pivot to “real friendships” and work to build a social circle and he’ll come around.
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Neither of you are wrong, you just need to phrase it in a way that he understands, “I need to do this, and I want you there with me when I do”