So my husband (33M) and I (28F) have been together for 5 years but married for 3 years. We have a 1-year-old daughter together. Last night we went over to a friend’s house to meet their new baby! We took our 1-year-old with us. While I was holding the new baby my daughter was starting to crawl toward the fireplace. The fireplace was not on but does have a step that our daughter could hit her face on and I could see it happening. I told my husband “watch watch she’s going by the fireplace”. He didn’t move and the fireplace was within reaching distance of where he was sitting. I repeated myself 3x. Shortly, he freaks out on me and raised his voice, “She \* ing fine, leave me the \* alone. OMG”. I was so embarrassed because this was in front of our 2 friends and their 2 friends. Regardless in front of people, alone, in other’s houses, or in our house he shouldn’t be talking to me like this. I was really upset and embarrassed, the room got quiet.
I immediately handed the new baby off to his mama and pulled my husband aside to ask what that was. He played the, he’s not wrong game and I was nagging him. We didn’t talk on the ride home. when we got home I put our baby to sleep and took a shower. When we were in bed he apologized to me and tried to cuddle me. I asked him to back off and to really understand that that was extremely inappropriate and that it was a major turn-off. I actually think if we weren’t married or had a family together I would start distancing myself from him. I didn’t like that embarrassment he made me feel. I didn’t like his rage either. Now I am turned off by him. On top of it, I am the more affectionate one in our relationship. I feel regret for trying all these past times to be pushed away. I promised him last night that I’m not going to initiate any kind of affection anymore. He talks to me like that after I work a full-time job, cook and clean up, do bath time for our baby, tries to squeeze in some outdoor time for her, do laundry, housework, doctor appts, grocery shopping… etc. He’s a great dad but I do the bulk of the work. him talking to me and making me feel that way makes me not want to do any of it ( except take care of my daughter ). What do I do at this point?
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TL;DR – At a friend’s house, my husband just about yelled at me in front of people because he wasn’t watching our daughter. It’s now the next day, what do I do about this?
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EDIT: MY HUSBAND WORKS NIGHTS AND IS TIRED. HE’S WATCHED MY DAUGHTER ALONG AND NOTHING HAS EVER HAPPENED TO HER THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME HE’S GOTTEN LOUD WITH ME.
22 comments
Read that again. A great dad watches his children. He does not throw all the burden on his wife. A good father helps his wife, which in turn, shows love toward his whole family. He’s not a good father, he’s an “at my convenience ” dad. He has to watch his children, period. What will happen when he’s by himself with that baby?
I wouldn’t appreciate being talked to this way ever. I don’t think anyone would. How long has he been pushing you away? I read this as he’s not happy in the relationship anymore. And you shouldn’t have to take his attitude because he doesn’t know how to communicate like an adult.
Yikes. You also don’t want him speaking that way in front of his daughter. I’m so sorry, that’s terrible, and you have every reason to start distancing yourself unless he makes some big changes.
Also: why isn’t he taking more care of his daughter instead of leaving most of the work to you?? Would he be capable of caring for her if you went away for a day or two to take some time for yourself?
So yelling at you wasn’t ok. Let’s get that out of the way. I am sure tons of other people will cover that.
Having said that, is this the first time you’ve treated him like he’s not capable of watching your child? Is it the first time you’ve done it in front of people? Your edit indicates that he is in fact a capable parent. So when you treat him like he isn’t, that can be pretty insulting. If this is a pattern, then maybe that’s why he finally snapped. Again, he handled this *extremely* poorly, but it’s worth asking yourself if this truly came out of nowhere. EDIT: I see in another comment you admit that you’re a stubborn micromanager and do in fact do this type of thing often. And yet you didn’t feel the need to mention that in your post.
>I promised him last night that I’m not going to initiate any kind of affection anymore.
Well then your relationship is over, contact a lawyer. This is not something a person says when they want to fix the problem. EDIT: In fact, this is borderline abusive. Rather than trying to talk to him about the problem and come to a solution, you instead are explicitly trying to punish him into submission. Do you often use threats or punishment to control his behavior?
It sounds like there are other, deeper problems here. You don’t sound interested in solving them, even though from the outside it looks like some honest communication would go a long way. So if you’ve given up, what other advice are you looking for besides “get a divorce?”
> He’s a great dad but I do the bulk of the work.
Do you not see the contradiction in this statement?
Many men do the bare minimum in their marriages and for their partners because _their partners allow it_. There are no negative consequences to the way he is now so why would he change?
Stop giving him affection he has not earned. Stop picking up his slack. Stop chasing after his validation. Sit down with him and make him face three inequality in your marriage. If he gets angry and upset about it, do not comfort him. Shrug and reschedule the meeting for the next day, when he’s calmer, or hire a therapist.
I just want to start by saying that I am 100% with you. I also would not appreciate being lashed out at like that, especially in front of others. That’s deeply disrespectful and not at all ok. In your shoes, I would really drive that point home because no part of that is ok.
In the spirit of fairness, though, I do see an improvement you could implement as well. “Watch!” to me is a very vague request. You are asking him to look at her. It sounds like he was indeed looking. And really, if he was that close to the fireplace perhaps he was going to intervene if she actually touched it – or if she was looking wobbly around it. Or maybe he was just ready to pounce. No two people handle a situation exactly the same and “watch” can be taken in a variety of ways. It may be helpful in future and reduce some overall frustration to try to be a little more precise about what you want. Instead of “watch!”, saying something like “hey – can you move her please? It’s making me nervous that she’s so close to the fireplace”
But he still shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. That was not ok.
Your husband embarrassed you in public but apologized in private. That is a bullshit maneuver.
You should make him apologize to your friends for being disrespectful and overreacting. You should tell him that if he ever berates you again in public you will not react in private.
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We aren’t getting the full backstory and nuance. It sounds like you need marriage counseling, and this is far above Reddit’s paygrade.
He handled it very poorly, but if my husband told me to watch our kid, and I watched the kid who was within my grasp, and he then proceeded to tell me three more times to watch the kid I would probably snap too, especially if it was a recurring thing. Is it a recurring thing? You talk about a tendency to micro manage in the comments.
I think this is partly on you, to be honest. Same goes for the spiteful words about not giving him an inch in the future – I feel you, I really do, because it’s a good feeling to be righteously angry and get revenge, but that’s not how adults are supposed to communicate. No, I’m not saying he’s blameless, not in the least. He acted like an idiot as a guest in another house and should spend time in the doghouse.
Now, the fact that he leaves both the physical and mental load of running a household on your shoulders is bad, really bad. It’s probably why you feel this way to begin with. Resentment is breeding, so something has to change, but it’s not going to while the two of you act like petty siblings around eachother.
Sit down when you’re both calm, with kindness in mind, have a conversation about what you both want your life together to look like. Maybe ask him about his job, he doesn’t seem to thrive with these hours, maybe he can change them. Make a schedule for what needs to be done and try to be fair, if possible let eachother choose the things you don’t hate the most. And then don’t fall for the urge to micro manage when he does them. Micro managing is a real mood killer for anyone. Adjust your expectations.
Then maybe set a time every month, or every two weeks, when the kid is asleep, to have a nice meal and check in with eachother how things are going.
This marriage doesn’t have to go down the drain, you know.
It sounds like you two are not in a great place and need to seek out therapy.
His outburst is unacceptable, but it’s also within the spectrum of emotional outbursts that come from some other issue. You say he’s been pulling away since being on night shift, have the two of you talked about that? Are you regularly communicating about the state of your relationship? If not, then he’s been pulling away and you’ve been responding no verbally somehow, which means he’s probably reacting to your reaction nonverbally. You’re both careening good towards the cliff, without pointing out there’s a cliff ahead. You need to communicate and a therapist can facilitate that.
I agree that he should have apologized in front of your friends and it would be reasonable to ask him yo apologize later, but right now I think you two need to get to the root problem of his outburst. There is likely something beneath it, that motivated the tantrum. Even if it doesn’t make his outburst acceptable, it may help you understand it and you may be able yo empathize with him.
Everyone else is also making it seem like you should shut off all emotions with him and abandon him on his own emotionally because he made a mistake. Let me tell you, that’s about the fastest way you can exacerbate this issue. You don’t need to be cold and withdrawn, you also don’t have to be gushy and emotional. There can be a middle ground. Validate what you can, encourage him in helpful ways, but don’t protect him from feeling bad, don’t rescue him from bad feelings. He needs to feel his feelings as much as anyone else, but you can be a safe person for him to feel them around, someone who doesn’t judge him. I’ll give you an example:
He could say something ludicrous like “I was so embarrassed as you kept yelling at me and I felt like you were acting like I was a child and you were my mom!”
You could say “Wow, I can see why it would be frustrating to feel like I’m nagging you like a mom, do you have any ideas how I could illicit help from you without having to nag you, because I’m willing to try different stuff. I am willing to change how I communicate with you, but any way we choose to communicate needs to result in you responding to me regardless of whether you agree.“
Any little bit of understanding or empathy you can extend in conflicts like this will go MILES AND MILES. You don’t need to be taking responsibility for everything, nor should you save him from his responsibility, but I’m sure you want this to be resolved and move forward. Regardless of him being the cause of this problem, you may (and likely do) have some level of responsibility for the interaction, no matter how small.
Issues like this are resolved easier when both people take on the state of “Our relationship vs the problem.”
Lastly, I don’t think it was helpful to tell him you won’t initiate affection anymore, it feels immature. Tell him that when he treats you poorly you aren’t interested in being affectionate, but don’t just stop trying all together in a vital area of your marriage. You don’t need to be the one who does all the pursuing, but you also won’t be any better off if you abandon the pursuit all together. You need to communicate with him how you’ve seen the balance of affection shift and make it clear to him that you need his help rebalancing it. Again, you two should be talking about how to improve and secure your relationship regularly, not only after there’s a blowup.
It’s never acceptable to yell at someone, regardless of whether or not in front of others. I would have been embarrassed, too.
However, you initiated the issue by scolding him in front of your friends. And yes, if you repeated it three times, by the third time it’s a scolding. I talk to my 5 year old this way when she’s not listening to get her attention (and I feel guilty when I do it, because it’s not effective communication and only escalates the situation).
You guys have a baby and he works nightshift. That’s a stressful situation and it’s surprising that you guys have snapped at each other before. You are both burnt out, even if you are doing more of the actual labor.
When you first asked him to watch her, did he acknowledge your request? If not, he should have definitely acknowledge that he heard you. Did you repeat yourself in quick succession or raise your voice?
I am a tired mama myself and almost always immediately side with the mom’s because I think we get the short end of the parenting stick a lot and are made to feel silly for not being ok with doing 80% of the work. However, this really seems like you two are both a little burnt out and not communicating with each other effectively. Couples therapy couldn’t hurt, but sounds like it would be difficult trying to fit in your schedule. Is he due to be done with night shift soon?
Honestly, none of that screams red flag to me on either of your behaviors. That first year is a tough one.
“He’s a great dad but I do the bulk of the work.”
*Is he* a great dad, then?
>He talks to me like that after I work a full-time job, cook and clean
up, do bath time for our baby, tries to squeeze in some outdoor time for
her, do laundry, housework, doctor appts, grocery shopping… etc. He’s
a great dad but I do the bulk of the work.
What are you going to do about your real problem? And what will you do if your husband doesn’t change?
I’m getting the impression there is more to this story that you are leaving out.
If this was really the first time he freaked out at you like I feel like it’s probably a stress related reaction. Probably a lot of built up pressure between work and home stuff. If he doesn’t have a good way to work it off it’s probably been building a while.
I find your response more interesting however. He yells once and you turn off all affection for him. Seems a little disproportionate. Which leads me think either this wasn’t the first time he has freaked or your leaving out details on your end of the story.
This is clearly not about the snapping at you, this about a thousand other things that you are also angry and resentful about. It’s time to address all of them.
If you do the bulk of the work, he is not a great dad.
You have no shame or embarrassment to feel. It’s all on him and everyone else in that room knows it. Don’t take on the shame and embarrassment of other people’s behavior.
“Great dad but I do the bulk of the work” sounds like an oxymoron to me.
Did he understand that his lashing out was not acceptable?
Did he make any effort to understand and explain to you what was going on (IN HIMSELF) that he reacted that way?
It’s perfectly normal for partners to give each other some guidance, for all you know he wasn’t watching and the baby could have been hurt. You were coming from an authentic position caring about the baby, letting him know of a danger in case he didn’t see it. That’s it, that’s all
He reacted to that with a shame-based, defensive response that did not respect that you two are partners and partners look out for each other.
Right now though your response to withdraw and avoid is not allowing the two of you to communicate about the situation. You want compassion from him that his reactive blow up was hurtful (and worrisome!) to you. He wants compassion that he fucked up and he absolutetely knows this and has no tools to process that gracefully. An emotionally healthy person understands an apology for something like this includes a WHY that is entirely something he owns about how he handled himself — and how he’ll do a better job next time.
If someone says the same thing to me four times in a row in under two minutes I’d fucking murder them. While I think your husband was inappropriate I probably would have reacted the same way. You either thought he was deaf or knew you could do it better, in which case get off your fucking ass and do it yourself.
Most men aren’t like this. Why do you let him treat you like a servant?
Sounds like a one time mistake, it was inappropriate for sure but it sounds like he just lost his cool and went off. I wouldn’t put too much stock into it. Just let him know how you feel about it and ask him to work on his temper. Everyone loses their shit once in a while and makes mistakes. It sounds like he recognized it after the fact and apologized.
>I promised him last night that I’m not going to initiate any kind of affection anymore.
This is emotional blackmail and abusive. Long term this will lead to horrible results. Don’t do this.