I (F,25) have been in a relationship of nearly 7 years from the ages 16-23 with a guy I was very much in love with (or so I thought). When he broke up with me, i took my time to heal, went to therapy, reflected and learned a lot about myself and the relationship. Mostly i’ve learned that the relationship actually wasn’t all that great and there was a lot of trauma bonding involved because of his hot and cold behaviour. I was only occasionally a priority in his life and basically my entire relationship I was chasing after the highs and lows of feeling worthy and loved.
Now, after 2 years of being single I have met a great guy; consistent, mature, kind, good communicator, emotionally available, all the things I was looking for. I feel very comfortable and safe around him BUT, i can’t seem to feel a spark. I do find him attractive but I keep feeling like something is ‘missing’.
I do know that I should not compare my feelings to the ones I had in my previous relationship because they were quite toxic. And so I am struggling with; How do I know if im just self sabotaging here and should continue seeing this guy that is actually good to me, orrrr at what point should I just conclude my feelings are not there and he might just not be the one..
3 comments
In my experience, after a long-term relationship ends it’s a common thing for someone to close off their feelings and not allow themselves to ‘fall in love’ so to speak. Honestly, my advice is to be vulnerable and open to a new relationship. By that I mean try to allow yourself to be completely at ease when you’re around this guy, and let yourself be vulnerable without your previous boyfriend’s behaviour acting as a barrier if that makes sense. once you do this, it might be easier for you to feel a spark or connection. I hope this helps a bit… I am glad that you are no longer in a toxic relationship, and I hope you find the person for you 🙂
To start, let me suggest that there is no “the one” for people. That may have just been turn of phrase, but keep in mind that you aren’t seeking a singular person that is your soul mate.
If this is your first return to dating, I expect it would be natural to have these hesitations. You seem aware of the aspect of how you feel vs. what’s real, which is a good start.
I wouldn’t call it sabotage, but I’d suggest that it’s possible this new relationship would feel like it’s missing what you’re still accustomed to. Therapy makes you aware of how you feel and patterns of behavior, but if you haven’t had practice putting it to use, it’s likely your expectations are still to feel certain things in relationships – even though you logically know otherwise.
I can’t say stay or go with this guy because that’s not something I have enough info to suggest, but I believe it would be in your best interests to allow your logic to make the decisions here. I believe healthy and mature relationships tend to be more of a slow burn that encourage both partners to grow, while a lot of dysfunctional relationships tend to seem more like an intense flashfire.
I was on the receiving end of someone who felt that this pretty recently. We had great chemistry (my POV) and she said she was into me to some degree, but I could feel her sort of pulling away and being hot/cold. She ended up asking me to be pals. If I was the guy you’re seeing, I’d appreciate either being given a sincere chance or being cut loose 100%.
With that being said, if you find this guy attractive, maybe you don’t need to put too much into the spark. Try letting your walls down and see where it goes maybe.