My boyfriend is a really great guy, he’s kind, sweet, polite, funny, smart. My parents see that, and they do like him, and I’ve told him that. And he said he likes them too, he thinks my dad is funny and my mom is cool. But he’s always super nervous when we go to my house, I feel like I need to beg and push him to go… For example, it was my dad’s birthday the other day and my mom invited us over for lunch and cake… He was so nervous before going to their place, he had to drink a beer to relax.
It makes me feel bad because it’s important to me that he gets along with my family, but I also don’t want to push him into something that makes him so uncomfortable… I tried talking to him about it, but he says he doesn’t know why that is, that it’s just the way he is, shy and nervous (tbh I do know he is kinda shy, he was super nervous when we started going out).
Is there anything I can do to help him relax?
I don’t know if that matters, but we spend time with his parents all the time and I’m totally okay with that, I never make a big deal out of it. We only spent time with my parents like two or three times. Will it get better with time, as he gets to know them better?
Any advice is welcome, thanks!
TL;DR: My bf is shy and almost never wants to hang out with my family because he feels uncomfortable, even though he says he likes them and they like him. Is there anything I can do to help him feel better in this situation?
17 comments
There isn’t a one size fits all answer to this question, but here are a few potential suggestions: – Talk to your bf ahead of time about your parents’ expectations and what he is comfortable with doing/not doing around them. This will help set expectations and avoid any awkward surprises. – If your parents are the type to ask a lot of personal questions, try to steer the conversation towards topics that your bf is more comfortable discussing. – Encourage your bf to participate in activities that he enjoys and feels comfortable doing when around your parents. This will help him feel more at ease and show your parents that he is interested in their hobbies/interests.
there’s nothing you can do. eventually he may become more comfortable, but only time will tell.
and it doesn’t matter how you feel at his parents house. You know he’s a shy guy, dont expect him to act like you.
Just find a common discussion subject between your boyfriend and either of your parents and he’ll feel way better. I’m usually talking a lot about cars with my gf’s father. We both love cars. At some point we talked that much about a Ford Mustang that my gf was genuinely concerned.
Tell your family he’s nervous and shy and ask them to welcome him in. Get him involved in activities. Chat it up w him.
Yeah just let your family know he’s a super shy & nervous lad, he’ll get better with time, he’s obviously just nervous around them because he’s dating their daughter that’s all, there really isn’t a answer for this, he just needs to feel more comfortable around them, at the same time he’s also trying to please them & worried they won’t or don’t like him.
Tell him how you feel. He is probably scared of being judged for whatever reason. Don’t force him to do it, but he needs to know it’s a concern for you and he is in a safe space. It’s selfish if he continues to not want to see them after you express this .
Yes, it will get better with time, especially if your BF and parents all like each other already.
What things have you done with him and your parents? Sometimes if you’re just going to their place it might feel to him like he’s the focus of everyone’s attention, which can be intimidating for more introverted people. Maybe try having them together for some sort of larger activity (sporting event, concert, museum, etc). Might take the pressure off just a bit.
Don’t tell him that “it’s important to you that he gets along with your family”! What an unnecessary pressure – don’t push and everything will turn out ok
What worked for me was when the family invited me over directly, not my girlfriend / now wife trying new about an event. Felt good to have them show I was wanted around even though I had nothing in common with them.
Don’t beg and push him to go. That’s rude. They’re YOUR family, stop expecting him to act like you do.
If he’s not used to being close to your family then it’s just going to take time and if you’re trying to force it then it will take Longer because you’re making him uncomfortable. IMO this should be about making him comfortable with the situation not him catering to your feelings.
If at all possible I suggest you meet in a neutral place and his parents AND your parents go to, so it’s a larger group, he has more emotional support and it’s a neutral space like a hike or walk in the park or meeting up for an ice cream or similar.
Tell him to stop being a basic ass pansy
I am not sure there is much you can do. You might want to remember you are at an age where quietly he may fear your parents who are still together and measuring him as future potential. Its not like guys are 18 and he is seen as another kid relationship. Now doe him there maybe a fear or nervousness to present himself the right way in front of your parents. Continue to talk to him and tell him how you feel and what you think is the proper way to carry himself.
Sounds like you’re gunna have to just get different parents?
Yeah look, short answer is your bf is likely picking up on a vibe from your folks that you won’t be able to fix.
Long answer is your parents will tell you that they ‘like him’ unless he’s clearly very bad news. But the truth comes from their actions and demeanor, and he’s picking up ‘you don’t measure up’ vibes. If he really got the sense they liked him, he’d already be at ease and his shyness would be gone.
My in-laws are the same. They say ‘we like him’ with clenched teeth and a pasted on smile, but I’m always getting *hard* judgement signals from them. And we’ve been together more than fifteen years. They obviously firmly believe she could have done way better than me. Frankly, it makes being around them exhausting, as I play along with this game of politeness and friendliness.
The only thing that’s going to stop this is your parents *actually* thinking he’s good enough for you. And since nothing you say can make them do that, the best thing you can do is try to keep your bf and your parents apart as much as possible, while talking up your bf to them.
Alternatively, if it’s crucial your partner gets along well with your parents, you could ditch your bf and go for a guy your mom has approved of ahead of time.
It might help to do passive activities or consistently engaged ones with no stakes. He’s afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. So watch the sportsball tournament or play a board game or cards so he doesn’t have to fear uncomfortable questions or wrong answers.
Time
That’s not your job