Ok here goes.. This might get very long and English is not my first language.
My husband (M52) and I (F38) have been together for 16 years. We have three kids together(not mentioning their ages, because it got my post deleted last time). We have had our ups and downs like any other couple I guess. We were even separated for a few months five years ago, but we got back together. I still had feelings for him back then, but he was pursuing a life I didn’t see myself living, especially with our children. We got back together because I didn’t have any friends, I was having multiple setbacks and it felt good to have my family together again.
I have been suffering from depression on and off the last 8 years. The therapist I’ve been seeing has been wonderful, I’ve grown so much as a person. We’ve been working on identifying myself, discovering my emotional needs and how to act on them constructively. I discovered that I want to have deeper connections with people. My husband is not able (or willing) to have that type of conversation with me. I actually tried different strategies for over two years, nothing seems to work. Having the deeper connections with friends is not an option for him, he’s not comfortable with me sharing our life with “strangers “.
I read a book a few weeks ago (Why does he do that, by Lundy Bancroft) and it was scary how accurately this book could describe my husband. I concluded this was an abusive relationship, and even though it had improved greatly after our separation, it had never felt like a relationship of two equal adults. Just to be clear, he never hit me. He did punch holes in the wall, throw and kick stuff. I have been afraid in the past, yes.
The book just made me see it was always his choice to treat me the way he did. Ever since, I’ve been more distant. Last weekend, I almost told him I wanted a divorce but I chickened out.
I just don’t know what to do now. I know my children don’t want to move (two have an ASD, one has severe dyslexia and goes to a special school) so part of me just wants to wait until they’ve moved out. On the other hand, that’s another 10 years.
I run a small business from home, and it is successful enough, but not to buy the house myself. We have a fairly good life now, we don’t argue a lot. Am I willing to give all that up? I’m afraid there’s only loneliness on the other side…
2 comments
Please, for the love of whatever possible deities that may or may not exist, **leave your husband**.
My father was abusive to me and my mother, and one thing he did the most was hit his surroundings, yell, be condescending, and neglect the fact I have Asperger’s and was just “weak” or “odd”.
Now, the only feelings I have for my father fluctuate between 2. Pure, true hatred or indifference, there is no in-between.
Your kids should be the people you are putting on the front here, if you stay and abuse gets worse, which it will, when is he gonna hit your kids? Lock them in a dark room or outside? Tell them they’re meaningless and mistakes?
They’re also going to think that your current relationship is “healthy” as they grow up, and when they get a partner, they may act just the same.
It’s also a threat to your and their lives. You have to leave.
Record his abuse, document it, send it to the police and get a divorce.
So he was 36 & you were 22 when you married?