tl;dr for the incoming text wall: my gf made new friends w a guy and after a few weeks theyre basically inseparable and some of her behaviour is sketching me out. Am i letting my insecurities get the best if me?
So me (18M) and my gf (18F) have been dating for two years now and it has been absolutely wonderful theyre genuinely my best friend and favourite person to talk to which is why im starting to get a bit worried about a new guy she met at uni.
This is her first year attending and in her main class she didnt know anyone so started branching out to make friends, anyways after the first week she tells me about this guy she sits near that she talks to in class and how shes been kinda making friends with him and a guy i worked with for a couple months. I think cool whatever im glad shes meeting new people and im always happy to grow our circle larger. But days go by and over the course of about a week he goes from a guy that she sees in class every other day to getting lunch together, studying together, and skipping classes together almost every day plus meeting in the mornings. Beyond that its at the point where she texts him all day and occasionally even after telling me shes going to bed (we look through eachothers phones out of boredom/fun i wasnt just being a creep like its mutual we just dont have any boundaries for that sort of thing), like even on our date nights together i cant get her to keep her phone down and they snap all day. Now i cant read the snaps because they just send pics w captions back and forth and whenever i ask about what they talk about its always “oh just school stuff” or smth similarly vague with no elaboration.
Ive got bad jealousy issues and im really trying not to let them win because ik she needs people and restricting her will only push her away but we had the sort of rule that if youre hanging out w a single person of the opposite sex without your SO present you should have another person there which sure is controlling on my part (reasonable exceptions exist ofc and i dont freak out if she doesnt but still) but the part that made me start worrying and seeing this as an issue is the fact that whenever her in this guy were together she assured me she stuck to what we had set previously and always had the work buddy there because she described the dynamic as basically a throuple but specifically mentioned not wanting to be alone w him because she knows i dont like it, well fast forward two weeks and it turns out that that isnt true shes often alone with him and the work friend “came around a few times but never for long” which would even be cool if she had said that but clearly theres a discrepancy there between the initial “ofc work friend is always there” to her saying hes basically never around.
Sorry for the wall of text I’m a little bit high and pretty worried but just really want some external input, shes doing things with this guy she doesnt even do with me (eg skipping classes to hang out, talking late into the night, having study sessions, etc) and beyond that im pretty sure shes lying about their hangouts because the story of what they do and how they hangout just changed one night and yeah overall it just really seems like shes trying to hide parts of there dynamic from me and its really starting to bother. Any help or input would be greatly appreciated and please do tell me if I’m out of line because i have been in the past with things like this
3 comments
I would normally say that it’s okay for people to have friends, but she’s lying about things and even on date nights she isn’t present with you because she’s on her phone texting him. Seems kind of disrespectful to you, honestly. She spends all her free time with him before and after class, why is she not giving you her undivided attention?
I think I’d probably start to have a problem with it at that point. I think you just need to ask her if she can please leave the phone in her purse when you guys are on a date. Explain that you’d appreciate her attention.
She needs to learn boundaries and be present with you. Dial the new guy down a little
When did this kind of behaviour start being ok? Did her mom hang out with another man more than her dad and called him to talk all day and night? She would be out that house headfirst. If you are not ok with her dating another man you tell her that. Its not insecure to have som basic boundaries. Why doesnt she have girlfriends? If this was me i would tell her that if she wants a relationship with me she doesnt hang out with or text other men and if she cant do that she can get the f*** out. Find a girl who checks herself and doesnt fail every girlfriend/wife test