This may be a long ass text but I really need to vent so here goes…
It all starts around January when I(20M) went on vacation with some friends to a house my dad had rented. My younger brother(17M) had invited some friends of his own, and amongst them was one female friend (17F at that time) I had never met before, and she was so beautiful. I’m not gonna say we hit it off right away given that both of us were quite shy, but some nights when my friends went out, and I was too tired, she would stay in as well just because I did. One of the last nights we were there I was sitting in the couch watching tiktoks at around 12pm when everyone had decided to go to bed, she sat in the couch with me and we watched tiktoks, talked and laughed until 5:30am. Mind you, I’ve never been able to talk to girls at all, I’m very shy and insecure (though I wouldn’t call myself conventionally unattractive).
Once we came back from vacation I didn’t think much of it, until a week happened and she messaged me on tiktok. We began talking often and moved on to whatsapp. Given that both of us were so shy, we were on this talking stage for about two months or so, but eventually a friend of mine who vacationed with me threw a party and invited her as well. Though nothing happened and we talked and had fun, the next day she asked me out on a “date”. We went for a walk and had the greatest time, she was so fun to talk to when we were just on our own. At around this time I found out that a year and a half from then she was going abroad for college, very far away, but honestly I didn’t care, I was in love.
Again this “going out & meeting up” went on for two months, and nobody had made a move, I had had the urge to kiss her on our last meet up, but she had to leave early and nothing happened, so this time I was determined to kiss her. Our “date” went lovely, but I just couldn’t move, we were close to her house and she waited for the train with me, when I was on my way home I texted her that she was extraordinary and that I loved talking to her, and my next message was going to be “i wanted to kiss u but was too embarrassed”. As I was writing that she sent me exactly the same, she wanted to kiss me. I’ve never smiled as much as I did that night on that train.
Soon after, she invited me to a party even though I’m not much of a fun of parties where i don’t know many people, but she managed to convince because it was close to my house and she said “i wouldn’t invite u if i didn’t know u are gonna have fun”. That night i went to the party with her and she walked me home (about half a block, it was really close). Right there on my front door she kissed me, it was a dream come true. She went back to her friends and left. Soon after we met 3 o 4 times were I invited her to my place and we would kiss for hours, although one night she did stay over and I had my first time which was very awkward, but she was so understanding of me. During this time I was madly in love and it seemed like she was as well. You know, good morning and good night texts, I miss you, heart emojis and sticker, it all was going great.
This all was a very short period of about three weeks until I went on a winter vacation to another country with my family that we had planned for long ago, it was three weeks long and we had talked about how much we would miss each other. During this time she was on vacation as well and was on a weird sleep schedule, so she would wake up and go to bed very late, on top of that there was like a 5 hour difference on our time zones, so it was hard getting times to talk, sometimes i would wake up and she was just going to bed. She became distant in texts, so I asked her about it sometimes, she told she wasn’t mentally in a good place and even said that she was about to be diagnosed with bipolarity. This made me sad for her and I tried to let her know as much as I could that I was there for her and that she could trust me and tell me anything. The last days of my trip I tried to invite her out on date again for when I had come back, but she was very busy and it seemed like she wasn’t really trying to make time for me. Once I was back we sort of had a date in mind but a day earlier she told me that she was actually going out with her girlfriends. I made a comment on something like “we are never meeting up again at this rate” which was kind of harsh of me, but I really wanted to see her. Right there she told me she didn’t want to go out with me anymore, that she really cared for me but the pressure of a relationship was too much for her at the time. nevertheless, I told her that I wanted to meet up so we could discuss it (and gave her some presents I had bought for her on my trip), but she said she had already made up her mind. That was my first heartbreak, and god it hurt so very much.
I was to start a new job that week and a new semester at college, so there was a lot on my mind. There was a week where we didn’t text or anything, but I kept telling her I wanted to meet up and she would say we’d do it when she wasn’t as busy studying. But at some point she began talking to me about casual topics, to what I thought “oh that was a nice friendly chat”, but later on she messaged me again, now telling me about her day. And we got stuck in a cycle where we couldn’t just stop talking to each other, on my side I was still in love with her and was hopeful that she would change her mind, but she still seemed sort of distant.
Many times I asked her about the bipolarity thing and if she had actually been diagnosed, and twice as many times I asked her about meeting up to talk, but all my questions went unanswered. We were stuck like this for more than a month, but I decided to open up and tell her that I still wanted to go out with her and that I thought it could make us both very happy. She told me that her decision hadn’t changed and that she had always felt her relationships start off good and then she stops liking the situation, and that she didn’t have enough time or was in the mood to be in a relationship, all of this on top of the fact that she was going abroad on 7 months and that she felt it changes things, but she made it clear it wasn’t something against me, she just wasn’t in the mood. I know I must respect her decision but it breaks my heart, every moment we shared was so perfect and now I miss her so much I just cannot move on. The worse part is we still talk daily and I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to feel. I’ve been alone my whole life, but it feels different now, I miss her touch and I miss her love. Something I can’t get out off my mind is the fact that she is beautiful and can be with anyone she wants, but here I am left all alone again, having had a taste of love, but only enjoying it in my memories. I don’t know how I should feel about this but it seems like getting over her will take a while and I don’t know if there is anything I can do to make things right.
If you got this far then thanks for reading, just writing this out helps me a lot since I don’t have anyone to tell all of this to.
tldr: I fell in love, entered the first relationship of my life, thought everything was perfect but she ended things. We still talk to this day and I don’t know what to do or feel.
8 comments
If I had stuck with the first guy I fell in love with, I would have missed out on so much in life. Every heartbreak is bc you weren’t a good match. Learn and continue living.
She fell out of love with you because you became the woman of the relationship.
Hear me out.
You were more in love with her than she was in love with you. This long ass post you made and how you describe how beautiful she is and how perfect every day was with her just shows me that you led every interaction with her with your emotions.
This is a common issue that I see all men go through during their younger years. They overly invest into a woman, way more than she invests into him, then she pulls the “it’s not you, it’s me” card and breaks things off because she was sensing that the relationship was getting too serious too quickly.
You need to pace yourself when you date women. You need to be completely certain she’s the one that fits into your life like a puzzle piece. If you are barely one year in and you are in love with her, you are fucking things up and moving way too quickly. It’s okay to enjoy her company and know she fits well with you, but just be careful with how you expose your emotions.
Honestly you should stop talking to her and move on with your life. You expressed interest, and in spite of your connection, she told you her decision and you need to hear that.
The reason you should stop talking to her entirely is for your own stability and your own ability to move on. You won’t be able to move on and meet other people who are actually interested (trust me, there are tons out there no matter how unattractive you think you are) as long as you are pining for someone who doesn’t want to be with you, no matter their reasoning.
Sometimes we get so caught up in our feelings for someone that we forget that we shouldn’t be needing to convince someone to date us. IF they don’t want us, we cant make them want us. Its the classic love-potion ethical quandry in most fantasy stories… do you want someone to love you merely because you loved them first… or do you want to be with someone who actively, enthusiastically chose you?
Sweep her off her feet.
Is it something she may want.
Yes no maybe so.
– Haiku
You are a loser chasing a 17 year old.
Your first heartbreak is extremely painful. It is the most painful experience of your life so far probably. It will also pass though, as does everything. In order to expedite this process I strongly urge you to take some space from here. *At least* significantly reduce the amount of time you talk to her, ask her less about herself, stalk her less, and just know less about her. Distract yourself, go for walks, go to the gym, meet new friends, travel, discover a new hobby, read, listen to podcasts. Give it time and more time. It will get better but do try to get better.
You are in charge of your own feelings. That’s the most important thing to learn here. She is very clear that she does not want a relationship, is dealing with a mental health diagnosis, and is moving. You can never force another person into a box of your liking and she is no exception. No one is stringing you along but yourself.
Breakups involve a long period of separation so your body and mind can readjust to the lack of good feeling rushes. You’re still getting that every time you receive a text and will not be able to move on until you begin and hold fast to that break.
The right thing to do is accept and tell her you need time apart, block her number and socials, be sad for the duration of this difficult breakup, and slowly become more comfortable being alone with yourself and regaining your self appreciation and confidence. You have your own mind, inner world, and hobbies that you have been ignoring. Start rebuilding there.
Stop talking to her!! The more you keep talking the worse it’s gonna get. Just rip the bandaid off and suffer the short term consequences for the long term gratification