For women in long term relationships, what keeps it alive?

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  2. Of course different couples have different needs, but for me it’s healthy communication about our needs, mutual respect, compatible lifestyles and shared passions/interests.

  3. I just had this conversation yesterday. It’s not about grand gestures, it’s the little stuff you do every day for each other just because you can.

    Examples:
    -when I stopped at the gas station last night I grabbed my husbands favorite candy bar and made him close his eyes before I gave it to him, just for fun.
    -when im feeling stressed out my husband massages my feet for me without being asked.
    -when we notice the other has cleaned something up, we thank each other. Even when it’s something small or necessary. Appreciation goes a long way.

    You get the opportunity to do little things every day, seizing those opportunities shows your partner that you continue to value them.

  5. Having sex, sharing goals and morals, making decisions together, going out together, and listening to the other person. And actually listening to them, as if the next words they say are the most important thing you need to hear.

  6. Continuing to date eachother. We live together, our lives are completely enmeshed, but once a week we get ready at different ends of the house without interacting, drive out separately, and meet at our date location of choice like we did when we were first dating.

    Keeps us feeling young and silly and in love after many years together.

  7. If either of us feels a lack of intimacy or quality time, we initiate it ourselves. It’s easy to slip into the idea of “if they wanted to, they would” but people aren’t mind readers and many people need dates, gestures, etc. in different frequencies than their partners.

    We talk when we need support, but we try to be generally supportive over longterm issues (keeping work stress, chronic pain, and other chronic symptoms in mind).

    Appreciating the small things we do for and with each other, not just the big gestures. There is little I love more than being able to read beside him while he watches a movie, our legs touching. It always makes me smile when I see that the gas has been refilled because I’m often harassed when I fill up—which I haven’t done in months now. He handles any ant problems (I hate them and want any inside the house to die), and I move spiders outside (he wants them to die but respects that I want them in the garden).

    Loving simplicity and domesticity is probably more important to longterm relationships than excitement.

  10. Communication is a huge one, but also knowing each other’s love languages. I learned over the years to not love my husband the way I want to be loved, but to love him the way he needs/ wants to be loved. If you haven’t read the book The Five Love Languages, I encourage you to read it. It’s very helpful, especially in long term relationships.

  11. Can’t speak on this with absolute certainty as I’m still only in the early stages of forever. But, at least from what we’ve been through so far, it’s a mish-mash of quite a few things. There’s honestly too much to really name, but I do have some favorites.

    There’s the obvious ones:
    Love for each other, love for yourself, compassion, empathy, compromise (and a willingness and readiness to do so), communication (not always super sweet, but always honest), both letting go of and accepting control in various areas, open mindedness (not to be confused with blind acceptance), intimacy-both emotional as well as physical (and have fun with it; be a downright degenerate for your one and only, dammit), and privacy (be careful about how and with whom you share your business, good or bad).

    Then there are things that have surprised me too:
    Arguments (healthy conflict ain’t a bad thing, much to my shock), downright fights (not abusive behavior, obviously, but coming to theoretical blows shows you both how to deal with different styles of conflict resolution), “bad times” however you may define that term (yeah, they suck, but how you handle them-alone and together-is very telling; it’s part of wedding vows for a reason). The last one I’ll mention has been the most surprising and entertaining imo: straight up spite. Sometimes all that keeps you going is a selfish, bullheaded desire to stay with your person no fucking matter what the universe tosses your way (within reason, of course-once again, I’m not talking about abuse or anything like that). It might not make sense to some just why you want this so bad, but fuck them because it doesn’t have to. You’ll get angry with your partner; hell, you might even hate them from time to time. But even so, there’s just… Something™️ about them and about who you are with them. Hell, that man of mine drives me up the wall some days, and I do the same to him sometimes. We’ve been through some shit, some of which had me really seriously wondering if the relationship was even worth it. But, no matter what’s happened, he’s my guy. My absolute favorite. Sure, sometimes I think he’s kind of an intolerable fucker, but that’s MY intolerable fucker and no one can say a goddamn word about us except for US.

    Sorry for the rant. This got me in my feelings a bit.

    ETA: obviously this topic is subjective so I hope it’s clear that I’m not speaking on any experience other than my own. 😅

  12. Open, honest communication. Shared values, morals and goals. Similar interests. Genuinely caring about each other. Having fun together. Facing life’s problems as partners

  13. Communication, shared values and goals, and it kind of just kept going well so it didnt feel “hard” to continue.

  14. Agree on communicating but also that both put in the work, especially in the home (i.e. cleaning).

  15. Learning how to fight constructively. We’ve learned that it’s okay to take a break and resume talking after we’ve cooled down.

  17. Communication and compromising are important. Laughing. Being honest. Agreeing about how to spend money and time.

    And another that sounds bad, but isn’t in my opinion: lower expectations. Don’t expect your partner to “complete you” or “make you happy”. No one can do that for you.
    Complete yourself, be happy and find someone to enjoy the ride with 😊

  19. I make sure to interact with him everyday, at least hug and kiss him once a day, always text him everyday, and we try to go on dates at least once a month.

  20. Constant growth. We take pride in growing from disagreements. We hit rock bottom and rise. it makes you emotionally stronger together. It’s really special. I know that I don’t want to have to start from rock bottom with anyone else!

  21. I think it’s important to have your own life. Have separate hobbies, friends etc. This gives you something to talk about and admire about each other (while also spending time together of course).

    I will say as well as this, when it comes to communication, its more specifically about how you communicate (honesty and integrity are big things). If your partner comes to you about something, try not to blow up at them for example. This just teaches people that lying to you is easier than approaching you on difficult subjects. If they know you will not judge them/ get angry (essentially an unpredictable response) , they are more likely to talk to you about anything and everything. Bottom line of communication is talking about something you or they are not happy with. How can they communicate things to you, if you won’t listen or never admit that you’re wrong (even a little bit)?

  22. Communication is the main thing. Talk about everything that you like and don’t like. If your partner did something you didn’t like say it but explain a reason. If your partner did a good thing also say it. Show them that it was really meaningful for you. Respect and listen to each other

  23. Respect 100% and knowing ur it for someone

    Reguardless of shit u both are back to back against all that can interfere

    It’s a Bonnie n Clyde circumstance

    It’s a ‘i know’

    It’s more than what u are

    It’s knowing the Universe has ur intentions in order

    It’s knowing

  24. Space, give the guy a chance to miss you once in a while. Separate bathrooms, there’s a limit to intimacy. Always be kind. Been married 20 years and still love him.

  25. Making sure that relationship is with your best friend. We absolutely adore each other and love just having the presence of the other. Don’t even have to be doing anything. When we do anything it’s always fun because we have the same type of energy and humor. Could be a grocery trip, could be a 6 hour car ride, or a move, or a nasty sweaty miserable hike in mosquito swamp land.

    Communication is huge, we still have yet to have a fight. We have disagreements and talk about different POVs, but for the most part we are completely in sync. And no matter what we are respectful of the other. That whole ‘fighting shows you love each other’ just never have understood that besides Hollywood trying to get incompatible people to justify a toxic relationship.

    As for keeping the bedroom alive if that was the question, we don’t put expectations or disappointments on anything. Sometimes neither of us finish, sometimes we aren’t in the mood, sometimes it might be a week between, but again, being respectful because life together is a marathon and we love each other, we come back together riled up more than ever when we go at it. Respect and affection is hot.

  29. Curiosity and novelty! Sometimes we assume we know all there is to know about our partners when in reality they are also changing and growing every day. I still learn new things about my husband and appreciate how much he’s changed as a person (in a good way) since we’ve first gotten together.

    In terms of novelty, trying new things together is so important in a LTR.

  31. We’ve been together for 12 years, married for 7 and have a young kid.

    First and foremost, we’re bffs. We may be very different in many ways -she’s much more social and outwardly affectionate than I am, loves to be around people- but we’re each other’s best friend. Definitely struggled and lived through some fraught times together and it’s brought us closer together.

    Communication is super important. Gotta talk about wants and needs and be clear/honest with each other.

    Also gotta keep the romance alive. Sure, things slow down after a having a small child and we’re not exactly 20 anymore but we still love and are attracted to each other.

  32. The small things. Like for my last birthday he got me a book I had mentioned a couple of months before I wanted to get. We were on our separate computers and I kind of mentioned it for myself, didn’t actually think he listened. But he did and remembered the name and got it for me because he “noticed I actually never bought it”. Idk it meant a lot even if it sounds like the smallest thing.

    Also, when he goes shopping he often comes back with my favourite snack even if I said I didn’t want anything bc he knows I’d probably change my mind later.

    And his dick is good.

  33. To be honest I just genuinely still like him as much. However. I think it’s important not to forget what you like about each other and to still go out of your way to be nice. If I’m getting myself a treat I get him one too. If he shows me something he’s excited about, I get excited about it too. I ask him questions and take an interest in his life. When he does something around the house or does something nice for me I make sure he’s know I’m grateful. It’s not that hard. When I have extra energy or time I do make sure to get things done around the house, to do extra things for him or I am extra understanding even if he’s in a bad way or annoying me. It’s like putting money in the bank of our relationship. That way if I ever don’t have the patience to talk nice or he doesn’t, it’s a momentary slip instead of a behaviour pattern. I hope that makes sense.

    We still do activities together and go on dates even if it’s just to go for a walk or a hike or to get a burger or something stupid. We still try to look nice for each other and are quite physically affectionate.

    I think I just try to tip the scales significantly towards being a fun, good, and supportive partner more than when I’m having an off day and being critical or sensitive or annoying. Everyone’s human but if you both try your best things will go well!

  34. We genuinely are best friends. We love each other’s company. We make each other comfy. We want to share every experience together if we can.

    It’s why I relate so much more to couples like Ben and Leslie on Parks and Rec or Herman and Lily Munster over the fiery, hot passionate romances out there. I love him and I like him. We can see ourselves growing old together.

    I think a lot of couples mistake someone they have fun with in the moment with someone they’re mutually suitable with. Yeah I’m sure the short-lived excitement feels great in the present, but what about hard days? Are your likes and values at least a little similar? Are you compatible? Is there chemistry besides the sexual kind?

  35. When the “honeymoon phase” is long gone over, you still find small things that you and your significant other appreciate. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. I work a standard 9 to 5 job and he works overnights. Sometimes I’ll see him before he heads off to work.

    When I head off to work (around 6:30am), he is asleep in bed or just getting off from work. I know he likes sleeping with a particular blanket and pillow, which he has kept since he was a child. He is 28 and I am 26. I usually leave the blanket and pillow for him so he has them to sleep with. We’re gamers, so we also enjoy doing small things for each other such as doing particular quests for each other if one of us is struggling or showing how to kill a particular boss. He is stronger in game so he would show me how to kill different bosses.

    ​

    It’s also small things like helping me work out to be healthy and be my rock to cry on when I was in school. Its also small things when we go out such as: him holding my bag, he usually has me walk on the inner part (not on the side where cars pass).

  36. Doing something unexpected and special for each other. For us, my hubby is all about his stomach, so once in a while I try a newish recipe that I know he will like. He’s always so grateful, especially because he’s an acts of service kinda guy, and I get nice compliments, which works for me since I am a words of affirmation kinda gal.

  37. Honestly, I think it’s the date nights that we commit to doing with each other. Used to have weekly date nights, now sometimes it’s monthly or every two months. Pre-pandemic, we would commit to choosing and planning an activity to do with the other person that we think they might enjoy. For instance, If he planned a coffee date one week, I would plan dinner the next week (but we would switch variety of course). Now, even if we only manage to go out once a month, his turns are always so fun and thoughtful that I feel so loved and so lucky to have him 😊

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