hi good night,
I\[19M\] started my relationship with my girlfriend\[20F\] 8 months ago, at first everything was going well and the biggest problem we had was her father who, despite liking me, didn’t like us to be alone at home and always wanted us to be around in the living room. My girlfriend’s family always had this habit of always being in the room together watching something, so it was a normal attitude, but when we didn’t feel like staying in the room we were forced to and although she didn’t like these abusive attitudes, she never complained about it and her mother had never yet spoken out on these matters, making it seem as if she didn’t care.
Turns out, as her parents were getting divorced, she’d been telling me since our 1st month together that when he left, everything would change for the better. 2 months ago he went away, leaving only his mother and her, because I also had to move to a city that is 70 kilometers away to do my graduation. The problem started after these two drastic changes in her life, which made her feel a little more alone, because she is not very good at making friends, but instead of getting closer to me, which despite being in another city, I am still close by, she began to always want to be with her mother and the two became practically best friends, spending most of the day doing things together.
At first I could even understand it, because she missed her father, but with each passing day she stuck to her mother a little more until it got to the point where my girlfriend came home after school in the morning and stayed at 1:00 pm. until 11:00 pm with her sending me few text messages over that time and when she did it was few words and showed a lack of interest in talking. Gradually she also inserted her mother into the middle of our relationship, telling her mother all about our fights and trying to keep her close all day when I’m there. I usually arrive Friday night and leave her house Monday morning, and during all that time, until her mother decides to go up to her room and sleep, we have to stay in the living room with her and watch some extremely boring program that she likes it and even though my girlfriend doesn’t like it so much, she does her mother’s wishes without question and not only about tv shows, but also about anything her mother asks for she will promptly do it and tells me she just doesn’t want it the mother is sad or lonely.
I confronted her a few days ago about this routine, starting with the fact that I feel like I’m in a three-way relationship, because now that the two of them are very close, in case we have an argument, I have to keep explaining to her mother too and I have to constantly live with the fact that she tells her mother everything. I feel that I don’t have any privacy within my relationship with this and soon after I also complained about the fact that at dinner or lunch time she only addresses the word to her mother, never bringing up the subject with me and that I felt bad about it because I always try to include both in conversations and I feel that only her mother includes me in things and her response was that it was 20 years of her life like this and compared me to a mere visit, saying that I could not change it in 8 months to the point where she include in conversations and that usually with visitors she doesn’t feel like talking and her mother is more open to reception. I also said about the fact that I don’t like not seeing her half the week and in the time I’m there we don’t have time just for us and that I would like to stay in the room also during the day so we can do something and again I received the same answer that she was afraid that her mother would be sad because she had to watch TV alone during Saturday and Sunday in the afternoon, I told her that it didn’t make sense because they spent the whole week together and finally after more After some time of discussion, she ended up promising again to try to spend time with me, but I don’t have high hopes since it’s not the first time she’s moved away from me like this and clings to someone else to suppress some neediness.
I just don’t know what to do or say about this situation, while I feel that I don’t have privacy or time with my girlfriend anymore, I feel that maybe she could be right, as her mother almost always defends her and that makes it seem even more that I am completely wrong.
I would like to know your opinion about this situation and what I could do to make things better? because I like her and although I feel that she has moved away a little with all this, I know she likes it me, but I would like her to pay more attention to me and be interested in talking to me or making plans for the future.
TLDR: after my girlfriend’s father got divorced she’s always with her mom and don’t give me attention, what can i do to have my privacy again and time with her?
2 comments
You’re not mature enough for a relationship.
OP – if you are able to salvage this it would be a miracle, but this is not your fault.
First I clearly want to tell you that your feelings are valid and that many people, myself included, could not tolerate a partner who is that enmeshed with their parent.
If she never breaks out of it, I have seen the age 35 version and it’s not good.
Have you considered that she has been more hurt by her father leaving than perhaps you and she realise and that is why she is now clinging to her mother like this, the only parent she has.
I wonder if she is mentally unwell and you maybe are asking too much of her. She thinks living like this is OK, normal and that is disturbing.
I know you like this girl and I hate saying this because I don’t like to join the negative parade but OP, I don’t think you can do anything here other than protect yourself and your mental health and walk away.
Have you ever considered how manipulative it is for her to tell her mother everything that goes on or is said between you?
The girl has picked up fleas (toxic behaviours) from her controlling father I suspect also.
Good luck to you OP.