I (25f) and fiancé (31m) have been together a little bit over two years and we have a baby together. He called me his ex’s name while he was singing me happy birthday and I honestly don’t know what to do? I don’t want to go forward with the relationship if he isn’t 100% about me. He said it was a mistake and that he was sleepy when it happened, but I’m probably gonna remember this every single birthday. Is there anyway to get past this? I don’t know what to do.
TLDR; fiancé sings happy bday and called me ex’s name. I fear he settled and I want to break things off.
20 comments
I’m going to be honest – absent other problems, this seems like a crazy reason to breakup when you have a child together.
Be mad? Sure. Postpone the wedding? Sure. But breaking up seems extreme.
Just saying.
You don’t mention if in this two yrs with a baby and fiancé if you’re in love or happy? Trust your gut. Is this ex’s name similar to yours? I understand your trepidation, it was a bad fuck up.
Sometimes the mind just pops up with the wrong word randomly. Without another significant red flag, it means nothing.
You’ve mentioned staying together for your child, but that is generally a mistake. If you are unhappy, especially to the point of being miserable, you will only teach them that is how relationships are supposed to work. Value yourself and your happiness and your child will learn to do the same.
I don’t think the name thing itself alone is an issue—my partner called me his ex’s name once in the very start of our relationship after he’d been drinking, I just laughed and said “no”, there’s not been a repeat in the last 6 years—but the other circumstances surrounding that relationship are concerning to say the *least*. At the end of the day, *trust your gut*: if you’re not happy and things don’t feel right, they’re *not*.
You said you’re unhappy, there are red flags, and you’re staying for your child? I read many comments the other day on a different post that those children whose parents stay together for them affect those children negatively. They wished their parents had split. What’s the point of being with someone you are unhappy with? Maybe you should think more; after all, each comment you comment I read was sad. Hugs.
Honestly I was pretty exhausted the other day, hadn’t eaten enough, and I went to call my dog, and accidentally said several other names before I said hers. Sometimes it really is just a mix up between the neurons when speaking. I went to call “Luna” and ended up saying like “Jenny” “Lenny” “June”. Try to give him a chance and try to understand if he was really that tired 🤍
After reading the replies, it may be best for you to cut your losses. He wanted to name the kid the same as hers? There’s numerous red flags? He calls you her name? This man has her living in his head rent free on a beach front property while you’re suffering. Do what’s best for you and the growth of your child and don’t stay together for the sake of it. You will find someone who wants you more than the way you want this to work.
If he said her name is because he’s been thinking about her
“It all started when I got pregnant. Constant comparisons and memories he’d mention about his ex. He drove me by her house one time we happened to be in her neighborhood. He wanted to name our child the same name his ex’s kid has. It’s hard to not feel like we are their replacements.”
Honey I don’t see these as just red flags. These are red alarms now.
Sis, he wanted to name *your kid* after his ex’s child. No sane person would do that. Not to mention all the other red flags you’ve noted…it sounds like you’re simply a stand-in for his ex.
Take a moment to think long and hard about what you want for your life, and your child’s life. Do you really see yourself marrying and being happy with this man? Do you want your kid to grow up in that environment, being compared to his ex’s kid?
As for my opinion, I see some people are saying you shouldn’t leave the relationship because of your child, but I think you absolutely should. It is not healthy for a child to grow up in that kind of dysfunctional environment, and I say that as someone who’s parents stayed “for the kids”. Now I have CPTSD! So I’m a firm believer that a single parent can be better than two dysfunctional ones.
But, if you really don’t want to split, I urge both of you to attend couples counseling, and possibly individual therapy sessions aswell.
At least he didn’t say it during birthday sex
Using the wrong name, especially at intense moments, is pretty common. I’ve done it and guys I know have done it. It doesn’t mean he was thinking of her. He knew you were you. It doesn’t mean anything. Has he called you mom yet? That won’t mean anything either.
Just by reading all of your comments it is evident that you are just looking for encouragment to leave him and the only thing holding you back is guilt.
Realistically, in your position, no choice you make will be fair for your baby. You shouldn’t have had the child with a man who you don’t really like that much and who allegedly just settled for you. Best advice I have for you is to show your fiance this reddit post and all your replies. Maybe something will come out of it.
Good partners are committed to each other inspite of the fact that their relationship isn’t the best and that better things and people are out there for them. You, and perhaps your fiance, don’t seem to have that quality.
I called my son by a name that I don’t even know where it came from the other day. Imagine his name is “Billy” and I called him “Willow”. And within an hour or so, I called my dog (“Oscar”) by the name of a childhood cat (“Maggie”).
I can’t say why, it was very shocking to me, I wasn’t thinking about the old pet, I don’t know where the name Willow even came from, it wasn’t even on our backup name list nor would I have ever considered it as I don’t like it, and yet it happened. I can only imagine it’s because I’ve been under a bit of stress lately, and that day I had been to see my psychologist and were working on unpacking some childhood trauma, but really, who knows.
My point is, these weird brainfart moments happen. It could be that something has been plauging him, it could be that he still feels loss that the child wasn’t his, it could be that he was exhausted…or it could be more sinister. There’s lots of research done into why people call current partners exs names, and it’s far from always for nefarious reasons, but that doesn’t excuse that sometimes it’s because of a rekindled connection.
I guess my advice is to discuss with him how this made you feel, to try to understand it, to maybe do some reading into the research I mentioned, and if you believe him that it was a moment of confusion….forgive it. If you can’t, then you can’t, but if it was a moment like mine mentioned above, caused by something I’ve mentioned, would you want to end your relationship over it? 100% up to you.
ETA: I’m gonna leave this comment up, in case someone with a similar issue in an otherwise good relationship searches for your post one day, but in reading your replies, it doesn’t sound like this is a good relationship, and it sounds like he doesn’t respect you at all. Staying for the children is a bad idea. You should model the relationshis and self-respect for your child that you want for them one day. Don’t normalise disrespect in relationships for him.
That truly fucking sucks. If it was me I wouldn’t be able to continue having a relationship with him. Two years together and he says her name? He knows your damn name. I’m sorry babe but I think it’s best to end the relationship and talk about co parenting with him. Every birthday with him you’re going to relive that heartache from him saying her name. Don’t do that to yourself. You need someone that is 100% about you.
OP, I am really sorry. I will say, I have done this ( not during an intimate moment or Happy Birthday.) I caught myself while starting to do it, (say the ex’s name .) Believe it or not it happens. It doesn’t really mean anything. Sometimes we are just so used to saying that persons name ( if it was a long relationship.) This is my opinion. I don’t know your personal situation, though.
He doesn’t love you. In his mind, he is settling for you because his ex doesn’t want him back. Take the child and run. Also, don’t be surprised if he either comes crawling back to you in a few months (don’t take him back) or end up marrying her after 3-6 months.
If you want to break things off, do what’s best for you but DO NOT stay together just for your child. As someone who grew up in a toxic environment with parents that “stayed together for the children” doing so did so much more harm than good and caused trauma that I’m still trying to recover from. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, I hope everything works out in your favor.
Staying together for a kid is a bad move. Kids are smart and pick up on stuff, they will realize something is wrong. They may interpret it as it’s their fault, and when it finally ends they will say it’s their fault because you put yourselves through unhappiness to maintain “normalcy” for them. Plus they lean behaviours from their parents, so when they begin going into relationships poor relationship behaviour may seem normal to them and they continue the cycle.
Honestly, kids will be better with 2 happy families than 1 miserable one. If you both move on and find someone who makes you happy, they will see it. As long as you both remain civil when separated, you can still give kids the same opportunities as if you were together.
Good luck OP.
When I initially read your post, I was going to reply to say people make honest mistakes… and that I’ve been surprised when a wrong name or word slips out of my mouth at times. It especially happens when I’m stressed, tired, overwhelmed. I know it is less-than-ideal that it was his ex’s name, but
But, then I read lots of your replies, and it seems like you’ve considered ending this for a long time.
These are big decisions which should be carefully considered for him, for you, for your child. This is my suggestion: First of all, tell him you’re questioning the future. Then tell him you’re committing a period of time (2 months, 3 months, 4 months?) to get healthy and be in the best frame of mind to make decisions about your future together. Ask him to join you in this commitment in being diligent and making it a top priority. Then, do everything you can to meet with the doctors, eat good food, sleep well, get fresh air and sunshine, clean and organize your house, walk outside, exercise, etc. to ensure you are healing from PPD and any other issues that might be dragging you down in your outlook. No matter what you decide, your daughter and you need the best and healthiest you.
I don’t know if you’re saying the cheating and child issue he experienced with his ex-girlfriend is the trauma he is overcoming or not, but that is no small thing. I hope he continues to receive help with that or anything else traumatic that has happened. Did you notice any of that situation becoming stronger or resurfacing when you had your child with him? And, will the counselor have time to include you in a month or two after you’ve been able to give your healing a bit of time?
If you’re not really torn about your future with him, then the above time/steps aren’t needed. But, you seem really torn in various ways, and it seems that both of you need some TLC and healing and reflection before the big decision is made.