Losing the connection

40 comments

1. It depends on what kind of connection you’re looking for. As a guy, I’m obviously looking for a sexual connection and that is what’s motivating me to go on a date in the first place.

2. In a word – yes. I’ve been back to dating for the first time since I was 23ish after a divorce, now 37. I have been on a LOT of dates and have just never felt that spark, was really starting to question if it was even a thing anymore at this place in life and then a couple weeks ago I met someone and BOOM, it’s there fully and seemingly on both sides. If you NEED to feel something hold out for it. It’s a hard thing to fake.

3. It could also be that you’re burnt out and just not feeling like being with someone right now. That’s perfectly fine. It’s Ok to be single for a while until you get your relationship mojo back.

4. I was just complaining about this to my mom last night. We were talking about sparks/crushes/chemistry, whatever it is that draws you to someone early on. I have felt that only once since I’ve been single (1.5 years, lots of dates, lots of casual flings/sex).
   She told me that she’s only felt it a few times in her entire 75 years. And she worked mostly with men, dated a lot before marriage. But the percentage of people we’re romantically attracted to is just really small compared to the people who come into our lives.
   Doesn’t mean it can’t happen on date 2, but if it doesn’t, that might be totally normal.
   I know that’s not really comforting, but it might all be a patience game.

5. Honestly I gave up on “dating” and only organically meet people now. It’s very difficult to foster attraction from a cold start.

6. I actually find it easier. It has a lot to do with me being okay with who I am and not having any desire to impress anyone. That allows me to be much more present and focused on the moment rather than letting insecurities run and make me second guessed everything I say.

   In general I do believe people 35 and older are much more likely to have their guard up compared to people under 35. Sadly that quality rules out many people who might otherwise be interesting connections.

7. For me, I think I know myself a lot better than I did when I was in my 20s so finding a real connection is even harder. Not just any guy is going to spark my interest. I do also agree that OLD is definitely harder in terms of finding a connection right off the bat because you’re still getting to know them. In my adult life I think I’ve had that “crush” feeling on maybe 2 people.

8. I find it even more depressing when you find someone with whom you seem to vibe, things go well for a while and then they begin to fade

9. I feel like this is the infamous “spark” which is always a popular topic of conversation. Many dating experts will say give it more than one date – if you have a nice time with someone, it’s worth seeing them again! I like to give 3 dates before I decide I’m not feeling it.

   And even that connection is fickle – last guy I dated I felt the spark there, but after dating for a month or so realized we actually had some significant differences in what we wanted out of life, so that didn’t end up working out.

10. Yes, but at the same time I don’t expect a connection to just appear out of nowhere, and I’m even very very cautious if that’s the case as it led me into bad relationships in the past. I think after you’ve had at least one serious long term relationship (like living together and everything), then the “magic” that we see in romance movies is lost, but we become aware of much deeper levels of relationship.

    I think other facts of life also pile up, such as relocating to a different city or different country, losing some family members, growing apart from childhood friends. It puts everything into perspective. Some might turn cynical, but I think most will just mature.

    We also have a much better understanding of what we like and we can more easily spot what we don’t like, so we don’t get fooled into a relationship with someone that’s not compatible.

    At the same time, I feel a lot of people nowadays are too quick to judge because of the online dating culture where so many people are in reach (supposedly) so there could always be something better out there. I’m in the camp that think that giving up after a first date, because everything seemed to match but there was no “spark”, is not a good strategy at all. After a few dates I think that is fair though. And hopefully as people get older and more experienced, they gain the maturity to be able to know if someone is a good match even without a spark on the first date.

11. I’ve felt that “oh shit” (in a good way!) feeling twice.
    First time I was too young (24f, a very naive sheltered 24) and my picker was definitely wrong haha.
    Second time I was 29 and he was/is great but his life kinda blew up shortly after and there was no way to work it out he had to focus on him. He’s a good friend now.

    I’m 33 now so still dating and waiting for that spark and yes OP I feel the same way. I’m so over it but I think it’s a “trust the process” thing. That’s what I tell myself!

12. I actually really don’t think it’s worth focusing on whether there’s a strong initial “spark” or not. Maybe I’m just jaded, but when I was younger I would feel really strongly about certain girls I’d meet only to end up disappointed. The feelings would either be unrequited, I’d learn more about them and it would change my perspective, or something else that would effectively snuff out that spark.

    Now, rather than chasing that “spark” with someone, I’d rather have the feelings build up over time. I’d rather have a bright bonfire that I’ve built over time with someone than a spark that burns out as quickly as it formed.

13. This past year I finally felt that lightning strike after years of fearing that I would never meet that special someone again. She’s beautiful, interesting, storied, genuinely funny, and we had a ton of things in common.

    Turned out I had underestimated her borderline personality disorder diagnosis. Significantly. Caveat emptor.

14. I’ve been thinking about this a lot too. I’m a serial monogamist I guess, in that I’ve had two very long friendships back to back since my late teens, and now I’m 40 (F) and really dating around for the first time ever. I really don’t know myself like some of you who were dating through your 20s/30s. My early relationships in high school and university developed organically, from knowing someone and having a spark to be more. My ex husband was initially a good friend, then FWB (before that was even a term in common vocabulary) and it just built from there. My next bf was the opposite – first online date ever, crazy sparks, then a 6 yr relationship.

    Now I’ve been dating for about 6 months and have felt a spark on just a few of those dates, but those didn’t work for various reasons (recently divorced/emotionally unavailable guy, and guy with DV record). I also tried exploring with a guy who I liked a lot but didn’t feel sparks, and it turned out that we should’ve just been friends (and we are friends now). Now I’m going on a second date with a guy who is objectively attractive and we had a fun easy conversation, but because of the experience with should’ve-just-been-friends guy, I feel like this won’t work either if there’s no spark. I’m still giving it at least one more date because that’s what reddit says. I’m just figuring it out as I go along, but I sure wish I had a manual.

    I’ve also been thinking about how few times in my life I’ve been really attracted to someone (not just physical, but that extra something that’s a spark) – like having a crush when you’re in a relationship. I can actually only think of one time, during my marriage, when I was attracted to someone else and felt like we had a spark. I felt it from the first time we met (we became and still remain good friends and nothing ever happened, but I’m sure it was mutual and would have if we had been available, but he’s gotten married since then). Then one more time recently with a random guy I hired to do work on my house (and I did try to approach him but didn’t work, a story for another time). My point is, if I wait for sparks to happen organically, I could be waiting for a looooong time if the past is any indication. I’m trying to be more open to it though, which is new for me because I was always unavailable and didn’t really approach the world that way.

15. Well, you have less in common with people when you get older. However, I think it sounds like you just need to take a break from dating because you don’t care.

16. Not inherently. I’m not likely to develop crushes or get wow’ed by people before I meet them properly, though. I don’t have great experiences with developing attraction too early.

    I need an intellectual connection, those don’t develop instantly.

17. IMO, you aren’t meeting the right person.

    The problem is that as we age, there are fewer guys and more women.

    The longer you wait, the worse this is.

    My father is 87, and he’s getting swamped by little old ladies.

    Unfortunately, he is super fit and likes to hike and workout and swim.

    He’s having trouble finding ladies who can even take walks!

    We can’t wait around or be subtle.

    Go out and get your man!

18. Yep I’m 38 years old so I can agree.

19. I thought it’s literally not possible for me to feel that spark with someone. During my 37 years on with planet I’d never experienced it and I’ve had 3 long term (4+ years) relationships, one which was an 11 year marriage. Since separating I’ve been dating casually a little, a hookup to shake off the dust from the rubble that was my marriage breaking down and just getting used to being single again.

    A couple of months ago I sent a like to someone whose profile just seemed like my vibe, and we went for drinks. I didn’t expect anything more than perhaps a one night stand from it but it was an instant connection, like I was peering into a lake that showed my reflection but the water beneath was endlessly deep and all I wanted to do was dive in. When I’m with him I feel like I’m wrapped under a soft warm blanket, when we talk it’s like there’s no one else in the room, when we kiss time seems to lose meaning and when we have sex I feel like I die a little inside in the best of ways and it feels like we’re one. He is endlessly fascinating and absolutely drop dead gorgeous to me. I’m completely and utterly smitten with him, and I truly had no idea I’d be capable of feeling something like this for another person so strongly. I’m not pursuing a relationship with him, but I am amazed by him. Even if we parted ways tomorrow, I’d still be grateful for having had the pleasure of experiencing what it feels like to fall madly in love for a brief moment.

    All this raving said, I wouldn’t expect or go looking for this kind of attraction with someone when looking for a life partner, because I think whatever this is… It’s very rare, and likely fleeting. But just because it may not last doesn’t mean it isn’t lovely, wonderful and meaningful to me all the same. And also, I think there is value in sharing your life with someone who is kind, dependable and loving even if they don’t hit you with that lightning bolt. Attraction can be built over time, and when you find a person who wants to build with you, you can create the castle of your dreams.

20. Felt the ‘spark’ with 2 men this year who ended up becoming my boyfriends. One ended up being controlling (telling me what to wear) and had a bad temper. The other turned out to be married and only told me after a couple months! Dont trust the spark

21. I met with a dating coach and she said having a “spark” or “chemistry” on a first date is actually a bad sign. She said this is 2 people with opposite attachment styles creating anxiety which is often mistaken for a “spark.” She claims this can lead to great sex, but rarely ever a lasting relationship. She claims the boring ones with commonality are the keepers. Food for thought anyway.

22. I used to go into dates expecting no romantic connection until date 3. These people were complete strangers lol romance doesn’t just appear with some rando and if it does I think it’d feel weird or unhealthy maybe. Because again, they are strangers. If nothing develops after 3-5 dates then I called it no romantic connection and moved onto the next!

23. 100% been struggling with this, so much so that I was questioning whether I was “broken”.

    Met someone recently where I feel like there could be that connection.

24. The older I’ve gotten the more I assume it’s not going to work out. Like going on first dates and wondering how many dates we’ll go before not talking to each other anymore. The excitement of getting to know someone new is hard to find now personally. The few times I go past date #3 I’m pleasantly surprised.

25. Me me, I’m rather suspicious and looking for red flags.

26. I basically never have connections, I barely get a second chance, there’s no time to build a connection if women immediately know they don’t like me, which is dumb. Plus, liking women is bad, they don’t like being liked, so I don’t even know where to start anymore. There’s nothing you can do right, but plenty to do wrong, don’t even try.

27. I did the online dating thing for 14 years after my divorce. My advice: stay frosty. Trust in your heart and be picky. I tried settling but couldn’t let myself do it. Now I’m with the greatest woman I’ve ever known with plans to marry. It can and will happen, but timing is a bitch.

28. No. I just only date beautiful women who I love. Why would you hang out with anyone you don’t connect with?

29. OP what is your primary way of finding dates? OLD or IRL?

30. I think it’s a matter of not meeting the right person. I was feeling the way you are feeling too until my first date with my current bf when the feelings of attraction were v stronk even though he wasn’t my “type”.

31. For me, it’s like 9 out of 10 or so first dates are meh. Guy is fine and ok looking but I don’t feel anything at all. Then I meet someone I’m attracted to and into, but of course then there’s other issues or incompatibilities, bc so many things have to be right and what are the chances of that???

32. Where did you live abroad?

33. Am I the only one that finds this thread incredibly depressing? We have this amazing technology at our finger tips (literally) that allows us to meet and connect with other local singles in the area, and yet just about everyone seems to have a “meh” attitude about the majority of people they meet. Honestly sounds like the most people have no idea what they want, which leads them to have unrealistic expectations / disappointment.

    I work in a creative field, I’ve encountered a client that said: “Well, we really don’t know what we want, but we’ll know when we see it!” Guess what happened to that client? Fired!!!!

34. 30s is the real time when the milk churns to butter for some of us and others continue to stay milk. those of us have grown through experience and those of us havent seem to be on seperate wavelenghts and that is probably what you are expereincing now.

    ​

    Ive met a lot of people in their 30s and they seem to either try to be reliving their 20’s or still stagnating in their teens and that prevents any form of communication whatsoever.

35. I have been wondering this for the last few months. I ended a long term serious relationship last year. One I started in my 20s and before online dating was really a common thing. Now I’m in my 30s and everything is online. I feel like dating seems like a big commodity to everyone. I hate the apps but it feels like there aren’t good ways to organically meet people in a post-covid world. I asked a friend recently..what if you only get one shot at meeting that person that you have something special with? The one you thought was “the one”? I hope that’s not the case. I like to believe there is someone still out there for me. But dating in your 30s in 2022 is miserable.

36. The current guy I am dating and I are both *really* attracted to one another and have admitted to how scary it is to be this excited knowing that sometimes things just don’t work out. I agree that it is very rare to find this kind of attraction out of the blue, in general. In my case, we’ve known each other for a year, have seen one another in difficult circumstances, and the attraction has been building over time from pure physical attraction to actually knowing one another. For what it’s worth, things feel pretty good, and I consider myself lucky… only time can tell how things progress, but my advice is not to give up. I never thought I’d have this happen to me in my thirties.

37. Lonely… losing hope
    Depression is real

38. It’s quite unrealistic to expect that “spark” on a first or second date and it frankly has no bearing on whether you two would be a good long term partnership. I suggest focusing on compatibility in values and life goals and taking the time to get to know people. Dating in our thirties, if we are honest, isn’t high school or college anymore. The fairy tale romance is a fairy tale for a reason. Meaningful connections are built, they aren’t whimsical.

39. 95% of the connections have no chemistry… of the remaining 5% it’s a toss up if they also feel the same way. I’ve given up on OLD this past year because it was so dang stressful.

40. Yes, this is why historically people were encouraged to marry young. When you get old enough, you tend to become unsatisfiable because you’ve already experienced the best there is with other people years ago.