Pretty much as the titled states.
My birthday was this week on Tuesday, I just recently turned 21. What was supposed to be a happy day turned into a rather hurtful one, I guess. Toward the evening, my parents called to congratulated me on my 22nd birthday, separately. Both of them forgot my age.
A week before that, it was questioned what kind of present I’d like to get for my 22nd birthday, to which I replied that I was turning 21, not 22.
I get that people can forget birthdays and ages as time passes but… come on. I told them a week before, how could they forget this fast? I guess I expected a little too much, being the oldest sibling I should have known better.
Whatever, right?
Did not change the fact that I still wanted to see my father and mother, as well as my little sister (17) on my birthday. I don’t live that far away from home, about a 30 minute drive. Due to previous disagreements I moved out with 18 and now live in my own flat. A day before I called a restaurant and reserved a table for six; parents, sister, her boyfriend and mine.
Two hours before they were supposed to come, they called and cancelled. My Dad didn’t feel well. Alright, nothing you can do about it, its fine.
So I wished him well and we reschedueled to Thursday. Well, time passes and I get yet another call. They won’t be able to make it because my sisters boyfriend (sbf) is still at work and my Dad still lies in bed with a sore throat. Not wanting to have sbf uninvited and feel unwelcome they collectively agreed on rescheduling again, adding in that my dads sickness plays a role, too.
So here I was, cancelling the table AGAIN. As ridiculous as it sounds, I felt like crying on the phone. Perhaps reality had set in that my own parents gave a flying f\*ck about their clingy daughter just wanting to see them on her own damn birthday.
My dad now leaves to see his Uncle and Cousin 6 hours away, for the entire weekend. My Aunt and grandpa both join him and apparently it was planned a few months ago.
Why can he go and see them despite being sick but not me? I have tried not thinking about it, excusing it, not feeling like a burden, but I can’t anymore. My little sister always gets a nice birthday, cake, some gifts and everyone celebrates. Its not her fault, I know that, I really really know that, but it makes me feel so bad about myself all the time. It makes me resent her and I don’t want to do that.
I don’t know if it is because Im supposed to be the “independent” or the “adult one”. Maybe I just keep telling myself that to avoid accepting that I will never be loved the way they love her, really.
I hate being the older one, I didn’t ask to be born first.
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So, I guess after all this I just want to know what Im supposed to do now. I don’t know how to deal with those feelings, I just want them to go away. Therapy isn’t an option, I don’t have the funds available for it and pretty much nobody wants to listen to some randoms sob story anyway. Reddit is free, however, so I figured I might as well try.
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TL:DR
parents forgot my age and cancelled my birthday, now they made different plans. Little sister never goes without a proper birthday and celebration, which makes me feel horrible. Don’t know how to cope, please help me?
11 comments
Just tell them you don’t want a party this year, but could they send you $100 to buy your own gift?
It is hard, and it sounds like they are playing favorites, I wouldn’t be surprised if they know that they aren’t supposed to.
But the truth is that you just don’t live there anymore, out of sight, out of mind. Because your birthday has already passed, it’s not really a birthday celebration anymore but just a get together.
Instead of canceling next time, go ahead and continue on with your plans anyways and have a very nice dinner all by yourself.
I understand. It happened to me one year.
It’s not about the party, it’s about feeling like you are expendable. Like everyone and everything matters but you. I don’t have any advice. It just flat out hurts.
I have parents that’s I also feel don’t love me. I’ve voiced my authentic opinions multiple times. I’ve said to them what I’ve wrote in my journals on reditt etc, and it helped me. They need to hear this, you need to let it out, but definitely don’t expect a good response from them. It has to be for you. I have a good conscience knowing that I tried to tell my parents how I felt and I defended myself and told them I don’t deserve this. I’m strong enough to allow myself to vent without needing their approval. I know that I’ve been honest with them and I’ve given my best attempt at having a real relationship with them. People need feedback in order to grow.
Make them unimportant to you
Misery loves company, so…
My parents routinely screw up my kids’ birthdays. They’ve threatened to not come to a birthday party because I wasn’t planning on having a salad. Another time they forgot to call on a birthday then when I reminded them, they sang to the wrong kid. They live 15 minutes away and have seen my kids twice this year. My brother lives 1000 miles away and they already had a 2 week trip to visit and will have another one around Christmas, which coincidentally includes my birthday.
I’m sure none of this helps, but know you’re not alone. Sometimes parents just suck.
Happy belated birthday!
I’m sorry your parents suck. Remembering that and not getting your hopes up in the future might help. Instead plan your birthday with people who value you.
Happy belated birthday. I’ve said happy birthday several times today, as we drove 6 hours to be with my 19 year old son for his birthday at uni.
But …
Well documented on here is how much my own mum dislikes me. I’m comfortable with it. Both my parents disliked me. Never told me they loved me, never kissed me, never congratulated me, never hugged me, and even my own father sat and told his his sister he loved her at the end and just looked at me as he went back into his induced coma, not once but twice!
Once I had settled with that in my head, and it took many decades, I became so much more happier with my life.
I’ve lived a good life, told my wife and kids lots how much they are loved, put the hard yards in, and still enjoy doing it today as much as I did when they were 5/6/7 etc. I feel alive. I get love back off my family.
You have a few choices.
Confront them calmly , family meeting.
Or
Don’t confront them, be at peace with their approach and live the most amazing life. You will have your own family one day no doubt and will be able to reverse things.
Again a huge happy 21st birthday and from one corner of the internet to yours know that we can all have our struggles with family.
I would.just go no contact for a while and make them reach out for once and if they ask why, tell.them the truth. If you don’t then this will continue for another 30 years and only get worse.
I know you tried to tell them all of this before, but try one last time. Do tell yourself this is the one last time. Also tell them you won’t try again to have a relationship with them, if they make no effort to have a relationship with you. Explain to them everything you said here. Also tell them that because you are older than your sister, it doesn’t mean that your feelings are less important.
If they dismiss you, or tell you this is just your perception and things aren’t like you say, or any other action that is not apologize and really start making some effort… go NC with them. Doesn’t have to be permanent if you don’t want to, but for enough time that you think about them less and less and what they do hurts you less just because of the fact they aren’t in your life anymore, hurting you. Until you can afford therapy
Happy Birthday Sappy🎶! Happy 🎶🎼happy birthday to 🎼🎶Angel! Happy happy birthday to you!!!
Obviously this guy does it best!
https://youtu.be/98ThUqGSfEI
**hope the link works right**
ETA: you need learn how to be happy even if life hands you poo. The hurts will always be there. But it’s up to you to determine what you’ll do with said poo. You can choose to stand next to it and smell it without respite. Or. You can get a hose, a scrubber, cleaning agent, and a dust pan and throw it in the trash. The power to effect it is all yours.