Broken up with 3 days ago, questioning if we can get back together.

11 comments

1. Yes.

   If you’re going to therapy just for the purpose of getting her back, you are setting yourself up to undo all that work if she decides to stay broken up.

2. You need to change for yourself and give yourself more time before considering getting back together.

3. Your plan for the future may well interfere with your ability to get the most out of your therapy. Set the relationship aside and work on improving yourself and your health. If your goal in therapy is to hit a deadline or trying to fit into a specific shape so that the relationship could work again, you’ll be unable to do the work you actually need to do.

4. Use the no contact method, dont reach out to her for any reason at all. If she reaches out to you, respond, acknowledge and be nice but don’t try to keep the conversation going.

   This is literally the most effective method of getting someone back. If you do this method and she doesn’t come back, you have the peace of mind of knowing you did everything you could.

   In the meantime, drag yourself through the motions of self improvement. I say “drag” because it takes a while for the mental improvements to show, so you have to physically pick yourself up and “drag” yourself to the gym, like a robot who was commanded to do something.

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   >Or should I give up on that hope?

   By giving up hope you have everything to gain and nothing to lose. If she doesn’t come back than you were already prepared for it. If she does come back, great.

5. Three days solves nothing. Your gameplan is daily change and improvement for long term growth, not a quick fix “get the girl back”.

   Don’t think about her, or getting back with her. Think about yourself. Think about the type of person you actually want to be, and put in the work.

6. Don’t hold your breath. Biggest thing you can do is to get right with yourself. Eventually if you play your cards right you will realize why this was necessary. If you are meant to get back together, you will. If you dwell on it, you are not promoting change, but quite the opposite. Let yourself grieve and let yourself grow. You are young and you are dumb and will continue to be that way until you aren’t.

7. I’m going to tell you a couple of things you are not going to like.

   One, the thought patterns that come out in your replies are the exact thought patterns that you are going to have to work on in therapy. This “only she makes me happy, I’ll be giving up on her if I respect her wishes and let her go” is precisely what you’ll be working on leaving behind. So once you gain perspective and make real progress, you’ll see this whole thing in a totally different light; and the process will be like pulling teeth because what you really, deeply want, by your own admission, is to cling on to your old patterns; but that isn’t going to be an option if you are actually serious about therapy.

   Two, there is no guarantee whatsoever that your ex is going to feel attraction to the new, healed objectively better you. Once you make real progress, there’s a very real possibility that she might not feel the familiarity and connection she does now. While she realizes that who you are right now isn’t going to be the right person for her in the long run, who you are right now is the person she’s emotionally entangled with. Not to mention that sometimes, in unhealthy/codependent relationship dynamics, we tend to be attracted and cling to the dysfunction and the negative qualities of our partners, despite the fact that we can objectively and rationally tell we shouldn’t. So it’s really not as simple as “healthy you=relationship back”.

   Third, while you’re still in contact with this person you won’t make much progress. No contact is not a game of who’s going to miss the other first, and proper no contact involves not being open to receiving communication as well. So your step one here is to kindly explain that you aren’t going to be reaching out and you would like to not hear from her any longer, at least for a long(-ish) period of time. And if she tries to stick to your same old patterns but without the commitment, you’re going to have to put your foot down and block her.

   I know your pain because I’ve been there. I hope you feel better and are able to make the necessary hard changes to see progress soon. Whether you get back with her in the long run or not, you are guaranteed to form healthier and more fulfilling relationships moving forward if you take therapy seriously.

8. At this time, you need therapy for you, not for her. Build yourself up first, put your mental and emotional house in order. I didn’t understand this early on in my romantic life and I paid for it dearly with years of depression and self-doubt. Then I took some time to just be my own company. I learned a lot about what I could and couldn’t give in a relationship. It made me a stronger person so that when the right one came along (and she did) I was a man she could rely on to be stable and strong. Good luck moving forward.

9. You need to give her space and time. Having a future point in your mind where you try to reach out again isn’t the worst idea, if it keeps you from contacting her before then, but try not to be attached to any particular outcome. She might have found someone new by then. *You* might have found someone new by then. For now, live your life as if the breakup is permanent, and see how you’re feeling after those few months.

   If you and she never get back together, your inner work will still benefit you and your next partner.

10. Don’t hold on or Cling to someone who you are not with. In the next few months she may end up dating someone else and they don’t break up. It’s a “don’t count your chickens before the hatch” situation; you can’t assume that you’ll ever get her back.

    With that said, keep going to therapy, work on yourself. If it was insecurity and vulnerability issues that ended this relationship then those same issues will be an obstacles for future relationships too. Don’t let it be a repeated cause for failed relationships.

    There is also the aspect that therapy takes a couple years to really see change in yourself. In my experience, at 6months I felt like I was essentially the same, at the one year mark I was noticing my flaws when they came up but didn’t stop the behavior, at the 18months mark I was able to catch myself and stop the behaviors in the moment, and a little after 2 years of therapy I would see a situation and think “the old me would have blown this out of proportions.” Basically saying that therapy takes rime and you have to keep at it. 3-4 months is not enough to “fix” issues that caused a breakup. You should more realistically look at maybe getting back together after a couple of years of growth. (And again, don’t expect her to come back to you, be ok with moving on).

11. Insecurities can be bad in a relationship bro but if ever felt she was seeing someone behind your back you had to have proof pictures or videos or something can’t just say she’s cheating but she is gone youve picked yourself up into a new person still holding the memories of your outher self but overcame those problems once you’ve found someone yill know don’t chase her bro that could get you into trouble