Me (24f) and my bf (26m) have been together about 6mo. I love him dearly, and never felt this way before. He says the same.
Now, I’m having a hard time with some intrusive thoughts about his past. I don’t judge people who have slept around. I understand sex is natural and fun, and I don’t think people need to be in love to enjoy themselves. We both have sexual histories, but I am in the single digits, and he says he has lost count (somewhere between 60-100). I found this out during a conversation where I learned lots about his past, and it was actually a nice talk. He’s explained to me he started young (14yo) and was faithful in his two relationships prior to me. He also said there were some interactions he just does not remember. He said he wanted to be with a lot of women in his early 20s, and try things, so he did. Now he loves me and wants to be with me and he’s done everything to show he is committed. Honestly, our sex life is great and he’s complimented me greatly .
I just have a hard time getting these images go out of my brain though, of him with other girls. Or the thought of running into someone in our small town that has been with him in the past. I know it’s on me to handle my jealous feelings because he did nothing wrong.
Any advice? Anyone been where I am before and able to move on?
TDLR: hard time not thinking about partners past
8 comments
Just remember: he’s been with all those people, but chose you. You’re the winner here.
To your question, I’d do two things:
(1) take 60-100 with a grain of salt, especially if you live in a small town. Men are weird and I’ve had past boyfriends tell me, with a straight face, they slept with 100+ women when they absolutely had not. Machismo ego-shit is weird.
(2) ask yourself why you’re jealous. Do you really feel secure in your relationship? If so, why do you feel insecure within yourself?
I’d also ask for proof of a clean STI test. If he is telling the truth, and if you want take him at face value regardless of if 6-100 is true, I’d certainly ask for proof. Even if the number was less than 10, I’d confirm proof of health since even the most careful of folks can have something happen (and maybe not notice it).
You’ll get advice about how to try to frame the situation (he chose you etc.) and that’s all well and good. Here’s tactical advice:
Break the pattern. When you start experiencing intrusive thoughts, find a way to force them out. Call a friend about a random topic, read something that makes you think, turn on the TV, sing out loud, go for a walk or a run… whatever for you just takes your brain to another place. If you dwell on it not only will it be worse, but you’ll start to associate whatever you’re doing with those bad intrusive thoughts and could actually reinforce the pattern.
Keep doing that, focus on your relationship, and with time (months, not days) you’ll start to feel better and maybe reflect that you haven’t had those thoughts as much as you once did.
He could still be out there hooking up with randos.
Instead, he chooses to you be with you and only you.
You must be quite the catch! Remind yourself of that when you get jealous.
It sounds more like an issue of intrusive thoughts, less of a relationship issue. I think you’re doing everything right in talking yourself down off the jealousy, but do remember that it’s okay to feel jealous from time to time. You just have to process it, and not blame your partner if they didn’t do anything wrong.
When one of these intrusive thoughts comes up, take a deep breath (count it out?), and ground yourself in the present moment. A grounding technique I really like is to notice 5 things: something you can smell, something you can taste, something you can hear, something you can touch, and something you can see. You might enjoy adding an extra thought exercise of reminding yourself of how well your boyfriend treats you, with a specific memory.
How did y’all get together?
Can you do anything to change it?
If yes, then do it.
If no, than accept it.
Meditation can be really useful for learning techniques to handle intrusive thoughts (since the whole point of meditation is learning not to be at the mercy of your thoughts, but how to be still and present and not engage with things that you don’t need to think about in the moment). I know that sounds weird, but I had intrusive thoughts (not about a partner’s ex, but about really, really awful stuff that would intrude and derail my ability to just function in that moment), and the thing that gave me the most relief was starting a regular meditation practice (I used a paid app, but there are tons of free guided meditations on YouTube that teach you techniques). I still have those awful thoughts bubble up from time to time, but I have tools to handle them and they don’t consume me or ruin my day the way they used to.